Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Kristy

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Jan 01, 2009
Alcoholism coupled with no desire to change is a deal breaker!
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Kristy, you are NOT dealing with Marcus; you are dealing with the booze and whatever other substance he may be abusing. His brain has been chemically altered; but that doesn't mean that he can't make better choices for himself, like getting a sponsor. He has chosen to NOT help himself, so YOU must move on. If that means having him forcibly removed from your home, then so be it. Yes, I understand your reluctance, since he has already shown his propensity toward violence; but the longer he stays with you, the more likely the violence will escalate and the more likely you will be harmed. You MUST stop thinking about what he WAS like when sober, because you are no longer dealing with the man he used to be. You will never win over the booze. As long as you continue to allow him to live with you and continue to drive him everywhere, you enable him and his alcoholism. You do not HAVE to drive him anywhere. His choices resulted in having his driver's license lifted (I for one am quite happy to know that he is not on the road using a car as a weapon). Losing his license was a direct consequence of drinking and driving, so let him suffer with those consequences. Let him take the bus!

I strongly suggest you get in touch with a woman's shelter in your area, Kristy. They can help you with resources and some options. You've taken the first step in recognizing that this relationship is toxic and going nowhere fast. And not only that, but you also recognize how adversely this relationship is affecting your own mind set. Now it's time to take action. I also suggest you enter into some form of counselling so that you can determine why it is that you are choosing men who are so needy and unhealthy. You certainly deserve better than the two you've chosen so far.

Thank you for your honesty, Kristy, and for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Jun 24, 2009
Thank you
by: Rhianna

Dear Kristy,

Thank you for sharing your story. It is clear and well expressed and it acts as a warning to the rest of us.

Many women have been in abusive relationships and sadly, we continue to put up with the abuse, disrespect and selfishness of our abusers. I have also been in such situations. Some of us waste years of our lives in these sorts of scenarios. What we lack is respect and love for ourselves. I agree with what Darlene has said about your situation. It is a deal breaker.

I would like to recommend two books to you which I have found helpful. "The Nice Girl Syndrome" and "Loving Him Without Losing You". Both are by Beverly Engel. They are clear and well written and empowering for women. I would start with the first one. It teaches us how to move from being a "Nice Girl" to becoming a "Strong Woman".

When we are "nice", putting others first, always making allowances, helping others often at the expense of our own well being etc., this makes us vulnerable to being abused. Abusers see us as weak, easy targets and take advantage. What you have described in your current relationship reads like some of the cases cited in the book. I would definitely recommend it.

Once again it is all about love and respect for ourselves. I hope that you are able to make the transition from being a nice girl to becoming a Strong Woman.

All the best to you Dear Kristy!

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this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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