Relationship Violence Story From Autumn

by Autumn
(New York, USA)

WARNING: Graphic depiction of a sexual assault: 
i'm 15 and a sophomore in high school. i was raped last month by my 17 year old boyfriend, k--. we go to the same school and i hate seeing him everyday. i used to have the biggest crush on him. him being one of the cutest guys in school, who wouldnt like him? he didnt give me the time of day until that night. he still jokes about it to his friends saying "i practically begged for it." This all happened so quickly. i went to my friend's, halloween party last month. i decided to go just to relieve the stress of school. i smoked weed and drank all night. i was high and a bit tipsy but i still knew what was going on around me. i couldnt go home under the influence so i asked my friend if i could sleep in her room for the night. she let me so i went up to her bedroom. i was too confused to take off my clothes and change into some of her pjs. less than 5 minutes later, i heard her bedroom door open. thinking it was her, i asked for her to help me get my clothes off. it wasnt until they replied that i realized it wasnt her. k-- laughed and asked if i needed help. i dont remember what i said but he came closer to me, and helped me get undressed. i was now only in my bra and panties with him overtowering me on the bed. he sat down closely next to me and told me to lay face down. i told him no, to put on my pjs but he pushed me down anyway. he started to rub my back and it felt good so i let him continue. he then asked me if i wanted to feel even better. me, being in that state of mind, said yes. i really wish i had said no. he lifted me up and kissed me softly. then he started to kiss harder, making my lips hurt. i pushed him away and screamed at him to stop. he said sorry, that he would be softer. he lied. this time during kissing, his hands traveled to my panties. i tried to push his hand away but he slapped me so hard. he made me feel disgusting with his hand down my panties, groping me. it hurt because he was being rough. i told him to stop but he didnt listen. i blanked out but before i knew it, i woke up naked with him inside me. he was hurting me badly. i felt like i was being ripped in half. i tried pushing him off me but he punched me in the chest, where i still have a purple bruise. i screamed at the top of my lungs for someone to come help me, but the music was too loud. he told me to stay still and shut up or he would hurt me even more, so i listened. when he was done, i couldnt speak. i was terrified of him and i didnt want to get hurt anymore. he didnt leave after that, which is why i am still confused. he got what he wanted so why is he still here? he layed down next to me and held me. i was so stiff and i didnt want to make a move. he told me how sorry he was and that if i hadnt led him on, he wouldnt have raped me. in the morning i woke up with him still next to me and i felt so ashamed. he told me to let him drive me home or he would hurt me so i agreed. the whole ride home he told me that i had liked it and to stop being a little b***h. the whole time he had his hand between my legs and i tried not to cry as much as it hurt. i got to my house and before i got out of the car he punched me in my arm and told me if i ever told anyone, he would find me and do it again. he said no one would believe a w***e like you. i just cried and went into my house. i cried for hours while i was in the shower scrubbing his dirt off of me. i still feel dirty, no matter how many times ive washed. my parents didnt notice my sudden withdrawll from them and left for vacation. i was scared to be in the house alone. i played hookie from school an entire week because i didnt want to see him or hear people calling me a s**t from the rumors they heard. k-- noticed and asked if he could come over. i told him no but of course he showed up at my house anyway. i let him in which was my second biggest mistake. he started to punch me in my arms and asking why i was trying to make him look like a fool. i didnt know what he was talking about. he kept hitting me and telling me how stupid i was and that he'd do it again whenever he wanted to. the worst part is, is that he said he owned me, that i was his property, his girlfriend. HIS GIRLFRIEND. i yelled at him that i would never in a million years be with someone like him. he looked me in my eyes and punched me in the face telling me that i was his and no one elses and if i disagreed he would kill me. he made me take a pregnancy test a few days later since i began to feel sick a lot. so i agreed to be his girlfriend because im scared for my life and the small life inside me. i told my parents about the baby and they are both disappointed. i want to tell them what really happened to me so that they wont look at me or my baby as a big mistake. i'm still with k-- and he's worse everyday. he yells and hits me for the smallest things. i just don't know what to do anymore. but thank you for this site and letting me air this all out.