I'm 20 years old I recently ended my relationship 3 months ago with my ex-boyfriend of nearly 2 years I met him from one of my guy friends from senior year. When I met N I didn't think much of him I thought he was just going to be a guy I just met and that was going to be the end of the story. I was wrong though few months later he sent me a friend request on Facebook and started to create conversations from there that continued for about 2 months we constantly talked to each other through Facebook every night. We never met in person but I found myself looking forward coming home to chat with him every night it was starting to become a routine. Finally on a Sunday he came over with a teddy bear that was dressed up with a suit and he was dressed up the same way he came to ask me to be his prom date! I was so nervous yet very excited I said yes. Later that day I thought to myself that was weird for him to ask me to prom first we don't go to the same high school and we don't know each other I only knew the person I created in my head which was the internet version of this guy. I didn't care I still went along with it. I was so happy that he had asked me to prom I had to tell my mom about it and she straight off told me it didn't sound like a great idea because I didn't know him at all. Again I chose to ignore her and went to prom with him. Finally it was prom day and we had nothing to talk about at the party. We were quiet the entire time this wasn't the N I pictured from Facebook we had nothing to say it was awkward. He asked me to dance 3 times and those 3 times he left me on the dance floor and went off with his friend that introduced me to N I was so pissed and hurt. I just went to the restroom and cried I was mad at myself to allow myself to go with this guy I didn't know later he came looking for me and asked me to dance with him again I gave him a chance and again he left me on the dance floor. I was fed up that I decided to leave the party I didn't say bye he didn't know I had left he never called me to see if I got home safe. A week passed when he facebooked me and said he was sorry and he missed having night conversations. I forgave him and the whole talking started again. He asked me to go out with him again so we did that same day we went to the park and we just started messing around he pushed me to the point that I fell on the floor I called him a jerk because I was wearing a strapless top and it had came off he then called me a wh***e. I felt so bad I just walked away mad and sad all at once I was confused. He saw my reaction and he started comforting me I liked the feeling of being comforted so I thought the whole scenario out and I just made an excuse and said he was just playing around with me. So he decided to ask me to be his girlfriend and I told him why do you want to go out with a wh***? He just answered fast and said what are you talking about I never called you a wh***. And I doubted myself and thought did he call me a wh*** or was I just imagining. I just said yes I would be his girlfriend he was really happy. The first month of our relationship was amazing he was nice, sweet, caring, and wanted to see me all the time. But time went by and he started treating me different he would tell me he wouldn't be able to see me because he was gonna go out with his friends or he would get angered quickly. one time one of my girlfriends came to hangout with my boyfriend and I and he was being too cozy with her my friend told me what he was doing and I saw I was so mad I just walked away he didn't like that I walked away and he came storming after me telling me he wanted to talk to me and explain, I didn't want to hear anything I was just crying and didn't know how to feel I just didn't feel like hearing his lies. When he saw that I wasn't listening to him he grabbed my wrists so I could look at him, he hit my hands, and pushed me later this guy stopped his car and asked if I was ok and I said I was fine but in reality I was scared it was dark and I didn't know what this so called boyfriend of mine was capable of doing to me. I broke up with N thinking that I had enough with him I couldn't handle this anymore and I definitely didn't deserve his crap. We were apart for 3 months no contact no seeing each other I was beginning to heal from the breakup when one day he decided to call me and all that brought back unwanted memories and I completely forgot about all the bad things about our relationship and thought about the good ones instead. N and I got back together and lasted with each other another 9 months those months were continuously up and downs lots of fighting he had trust issues when I was completely faithful to him he would get mad at me and lose his temper and then grab me or push me. It was to the point I didn't want to say anything that would upset him. Hearing him call me names or have trust issues made me feel like I was becoming like him I would call him names and become jealous when other girls would talk to him I knew I was becoming something I wasn't. He would continuously ask me if I loved him, he would tell me he's obsessed with me, he would force me to say things I didn't want to or force me to do things I didn't want to do and when I wouldn't do them he would feel bad or get upset then I would give in. He continuously started asking me if I would ever have sex with him I said maybe when I'm ready he continued to ask to the point I felt pressured to say yes when in reality my gut was telling me no. Finally I gave in to his words and did it. The first few times we would do it he was very patient with me but then he started to go rough and I would tell him he was hurting me but he still continued I had really big bruises I would become sore and I wasn't satisfied I was just in pain. he would ask me to do positions that I wasn't comfortable with and I would tell him no I don't feel comfortable and he would tell me I sucked which put me under more pressure thinking if I don't do it he would leave me for someone who will be willing to do what he wanted so I went along with it. There would be times where he didn't feel like having sex but I would he would tell me no or he would just push me off him and I would feel insecure thinking that maybe I wasn't good enough for him or he was just tired of me, but when he was in the mood to do it he would insist we do it when I wasn't in the mood I felt used many times. I asked him why he did it with me if he told me he didn't want to have sex anymore and he would say why did you let me you could have said no or he'd say next time for sure we won't do it anymore. I started becoming more distant with him and we started arguing way more he would push me, grab me, squeeze me, and a control freak, call me names or cuss. I didn't know what else to do I tried talking to him and when I did he would say he would change but that only lasted for a week and then he would continue with his old ways. I've noticed he got worse he would grab me more often when he was mad or he would call me names. I finally decided to break up with him in September I moved I changed my number and I never looked back because I was so scared what he would do to me.
There are times where I'm happy and relieved that I'm finally by myself and know what I want but there are times where I just hit a moment of weakness and want to go back with him when I know I don't want to be in that situation anymore. I look at him and I don't imagine him being the guy I just described he looks like the sweetest guy ever with a sweet heart and this is what makes it hard for me to move on. I don't know what to do I feel broken I don't know where I stand this is the second relationship that ends up being emotionally and somewhat physically abusive and I'm scared to try all over again. I'm scared to be by myself I don't remember what it's like to be by myself. I'm scared that this story will repeat itself again. My family and friends tell me I made the right decision but i still find myself second guessing my decision and wanting to go back with him just so I won't feel the pain I'm feeling anymore. People tell me time heals everything and I know I'll overcome this pain just like I've done before.
Thanks for listening writing about my relationship makes me feel a lot better.
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