Realized My Worth
I want to write about how I healed. I was sexually abused from the age of 3 to 16 by my uncle and physically and emotionally abused by my mother. And wonder of wonders I got into a mentally, and sometime physically, abusive marriage. I was married to my abuser for 25 years because I felt I deserved the abuse. This I have found is very typical of abuse victims.
I first spoke about my abuse at the age of 23. It was difficult and I used to start crying and trembling violently whenever I spoke about it. The advise my mother-in-law, at the time, gave me was to talk about it often. Over time it became easier but the after effects of the abuse still lingered. I thought I had dealt with my abuse as talking helped and as a result of my experiences I could help others.
At age 41, I split from my husband and met a wonderful woman who became my counselor. It was while in session with her that I realized for the first time in my life that I WAS worth something. I was worthy of love, I was worthy of respect and admiration, I was worthy, period.
Another 3 years passed in my marriage but I was growing. I started standing up for myself. I started taking control of my financial situation (my salary had always been paid directly to my husband's account). I started fighting back. Yeah, I finally started realizing my worth.
At age 46, I had finally had enough. After being pushed to destruction and totally losing my mind I tried to kill my husband. This is when I realized he was changing me, he was changing my innermost being and I knew I had to get out. I asked for a divorce and walked out with no job, no money, no place to go.
I was scared, no! that isn't the word, I was petrified but I was determined to make my life worthwhile.
It wasn't easy, but I am 53 now and married to a wonderful man. My children and I have become closer than we ever were. Yeah, they too suffered at the hands of my ex-husband, their father, but we are growing together and have an exceptionally close bond. My children both have wonderful spouses and are both very successful in their respective careers.
I KNOW now, that the life I lived, was my destiny. It was a path I had to walk in order to become the caring, loving and giving individual I am today. I also KNOW that I have to help children that are in the same position I was and I will do anything and everything in my power to achieve this. And, last of all, I KNOW now, that each of my abusers were/are extremely sick people and because they are sick, I have to forgive them. I can never forget, but I have forgiven and only feel pity for them.
I have read so many of the stories on this site and it is heartrending. There is many a time that I read a story and find the tears rolling down my face. But, I want to thank you all because you, each one of you, has made me more determined than ever to stand up and fight for our children. YOU have given me the boost, the courage, I so desperately needed.
I will be giving my first talk on child abuse and the effects thereof in January 2016. And, I will keep each one of you in my prayers. I will pray that you have the courage, the love and the will to heal and succeed. God bless you all and may He forever hold you in the palm of His hand.
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