Picture Made Me Remember
I was guided by a God-sent tarot reader to share my story of sexual child abuse. I'm 26 soon to be 27 next month and I recall the sexual abuse starting when I was 3 years young.
When I was 13 or 14, I was looking at an old family album. Just aimlessly flipping through the plastic pages filled w pictures. Til I stumbled upon a picture that shot flashbacks into mind and an inner remembering of EVERYTHING. I forced myself to bury of all the sexual abuse my little body endured.
His name is R---. And he must've been 30 when he took my innocence. R--- was my grandma's foster child, whom my mom grew up with starting from her teens. His mother was an alcoholic, drank all throughout her pregnancy with him and I'm sure that was the reason for the lack of his mental state and also for the reason he was taken away from her.
Years went by. My mom had the 3 of us, my sister, brother and then myself. Moved us to Las Vegas when I was one and then allowed R--- to move in with us to "help him out" when I was 2.
As a child, I loved him. He filled the roll of my father since my dad was constantly at work as a member of the LV SWAT team. I never really saw my dad. But I saw R--- every. Single. Day. Some days he even filled the roll of both parents. My dad would be at work and my mom would be out running errands while my older siblings were at school. Which left me and R--- in our house, all alone, almost every morning.
The pic that made me remember everything was captured on the first day of the first incident. I was 3. R--- slept on the bottom part of a bunk bed in my brother's room and that's usually where the abuse would happen. But the first time I remember him telling me we were going to play a game and I couldn't tell Mommy because it was a secret game. He laid me down on the floor of my brother's room, pulled off my underwear and began performing oral. I distinctly remember playing with a train that he had brought upstairs as a distraction for me. This continued for a long while. The only reason he stopped? Because he heard the garage opening and he picked me up so fast, wiped his mouth and reminded me not to tell Mommy. Which I whole heartedly obliged. Because he was my "dad" and I knew my real dad was out saving the world, so he must be doing the same too. My mom bought a new camera while she was out, snapped the picture and little did she know, that one pic would bring a whirlwind of effed up memories back to focus for me to deal with years later.
I would sneak into his room (my brother's room) at night because I was so terrified of the dark. He was always so happy, too happy to have me sleep next to him and I think the worst part was that my mom ended up allowing it. I have a daughter of my own now and never would I ever allow my 3-4 yr old baby sleep with a grown ass man! Even WORSE, a mentally unstable grown ass man! BUT she allowed it because she was so oblivious and I was too good at following orders from R--- of not saying anything.
There were so many times when R--- would offer me a weird drink before bed. Being a child, probably 4 at this time, I remember watching this pill fizz til it dissolved and then he would have me drink some. This happened countless nights. And it later grew into him not needing to "drug" me to sleep like a rock, my body did it naturally. I woke up a few times laying next to him and he would be touching me while he masturbated.
One time in particular, I was still 4. I woke up in the morning in my own bed after falling asleep in his bed and I had the most horrific stomach ache ever. It radiated pain all through my body. My mom couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. R--- was nowhere to be found. Dad of course was at work. And I remember most of all the constant pain that shot through my tummy and my mom frantically calling everywhere to schedule a Drs appt for me. Which I don't think she ever followed through with.
During a deep mediation maybe a yr ago, I realized that he had raped me that night. When I was 4 and again when I was 7... the secret touching, rubbing, fondling, oral that this man, who I saw as my dad did to me didn't stop until my parents kicked him out when I was 8. But it wasn't because of what he did to me. I kept that secret. I kept it all a secret until I was about 19.
He ruined me though. He left without saying goodbye which burned me for yrs. It was horrific. I got into a few relationships where I swore the man was just going to up and leave me one day without an excuse. So I became that crazy girlfriend constantly needing to know my boyfriend's whereabouts. Which I knew was wrong even at the time, but that constant need to have a man love me and yet the Fear of him leaving was all I knew.
My teens were horrible. I was a pill popping, meth smoking, pothead. I was so lost. He stole my innocence. He made me feel like I couldn't trust anybody. Like everybody had a hidden motive. Ruined my relationship with my parents because I felt like my dad should've been there to protect me. He was, after all, out saving the whole world and yet my world was being destroyed right in his house. I felt like my mom allowed it to happen. She allowed me to sleep next to him, allowed this mentally unstable man to watch me when I was a vulnerable child.
And when I was a teenager. On all those pills and potions. My mom would end up getting physical with me. Maybe in her mind thinking that that would snap me out of that utopian state that the high brought me to. It never did. It made me hate her more. Which made me use more. Which temporarily pushed everything aside and out of my mind's focus.
A picture brought me back to a time when a mentally unstable man stole my innocence, and I allowed this to ruin me for years. Constantly getting into toxic relationships. Constantly hurting myself.
I cried out for help and ended up falling in love with spirituality. Through meditation, yoga, being guided to talk to my parents about R--- and being guided to this tarot reader who freed my soul. I am now a completely different being. A free soul. I've turned all this heartache and pain into life lessons and I am learning to heal others through Karuna Reiki.
I'm here. To tell whomever reads this that there is always a silver lining. Follow that. Because eventually, that silver lining turns into pure light and love as soon as you open yourself up to forgiving and ultimately loving. Loving yourself. Your true, higher essence. Don't wait for someone else to love you, YOU ARE ALL THAT YOU NEED! Begin with loving you. No matter how much they have destroyed you.
Forgive yourself for allowing this person to destroy you.
Forgive yourself for allowing them to belittle you.
Forgive yourself for allowing them to silence you.
Forgive yourself for all the pain.
No longer allow this to consume you. Because this life is beautiful! No longer allow your thoughts of fear become your reality. Rise above this, because if you are on here, your soul is urging you to move on from this.
A picture brought me back to a time when a mentally unstable man began to steal my innocence. My spirituality freed my soul from all regrets and hate. And by finally ending this. I pray that this be the last time I ever think of you, R--- and I pray that this frees you from any attachments you have on me.
God is good. He truly is.
And with this being done and finally being ended. I AM NOW FREE!!! And so it shall be. Blessings.