Comments for Partner of Abuse Victim

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Oct 30, 2014
 Laura:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

It can be very challenging being in a relationship with someone who has endured horrific abuse, particularly when healing is elusive. We can only help those who want that help. And even when they do want the help, they must be willing to heal. Some abuse victims are not ready to heal, in part because of what they endured, but also, because they've adopted coping techniques that though are detrimental to their well-being, serve a purpose. A purpose they may not even recognize. But that doesn't mean they never will be ready.

There is always hope, even for those who seem hopeless or too old to find healing. But even with hope, you yourself can never give up your own identity or dignity or respect for the sake of that hope. If you do, you become an enabler, an enabler that gets caught up inside the tailspin world of emotional and perhaps other forms of abuse.

Some victims are so broken, they either unconsciously or consciously use their victimhood as a tool to manipulate and control. This is because they have never learned healthy coping skills. They've instead learned to manipulate and control those around them using their victimization as a tool. Often times they are passive aggressive. Often times they are outright aggressive. It can be crazymaking when they are both.

We can't "fix" others. And trying to "fix" someone can't be the reason for embarking upon or staying in a relationship. Nor can the partner's vulnerability be the reason to stay in a relationship, be it a friendship or familial or intimate relationship. We must do what is healthy for us first and foremost. That doesn't make one selfish, it makes one stable.

By breaking off the relationship with this man you have begun your own healing, healing that is necessary for you to ultimately forge new and healthy relationships and boundaries within those relationships.

Keep taking care of your Self, Laura. Keep walking your own healing path. Your ex will have to find his own to walk. I send you both love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Oct 30, 2014
 There is always hope
by: Laura

Thank you for your kind words and reassurance, it really means alot!
Since I sent you my story I am so pleased to tell you that, indeed you were right, there is always hope!
After 3 weeks of endless crying and heartache something happened. I was lying in bed awake one morning and a message had come through on my phone, it was my ex saying that he had got out of the car to go for a wee and he had s**t himself, as you can imagine i was distraught, this was because he had been living in the car for 4 days now and had been spending all day in the pub, drinking and not eating. I was in bits, i couldnt bear to think of him walking around in soiled jeans, stinking and people laughing and saying nasty things to him so i phoned him and told him to come to the house and get cleaned up. When he arrived he was like a frightened little boy, terrified that someone was coming to take him away. He was a broken man and this really was rock bottom. He had a shower and i made him something to eat, he then sat and looked at me and he broke into tears, something he has never been able to do before. He was crying hysterically and blurted it all out, he told me that he was so scared, he wasnt the man he wanted to be, everything he was was just a lie but he was so frightened of what other people thought of him that he had made himself out to be someone that people would like because he didnt think people would like the real him. We spent a long time talking and we actually made progress. It is very early days yet but he is now no longer living in the car, he is staying with a friend, who is actually a true friend and not one of the old crowd that he used to consider as friends because of there status. He has stripped himself of his 'billy big bollo**s' act and exposed the real him to the world. He has stopped spending hours on the computer looking at porn or watching rubbish on youtube to forget about how he is feeling, he now spends his time reading survivors stories and articles which help him understand his behavior. I speak to him on the phone everyday and everyday he sends me an email about how he is feeling and what he has discovered about himself and his hopes for the future. I know it is very early days and it's not going to be easy but it has showed me that there is hope and as long as there is hope there is a chance and as long as there is a chance i will never give up on him.
Feb 26, 2015
 Thank you for your story
by: Anonymous

It's hard to describe what it is like to feel defined by this thing that happened to you but not be able to talk about it. I have sort of become a person who can't talk to other people. I can't really be a part of the world anymore. At some point I stopped wanting to. When I read your story about your partner's struggle and you struggle to support him I could relate. I am the burdensome person who feels undeserving of love but receives love anyway. That is what Grace means to me. He is a never ending well of love and patience and I am still just as crazy and neurotic as ever. Even better, incest, rape, and sexual abuse are just my old stories now. Life has gone on since then and become a landslide of PTSD related consequences that I am buried under. Traumas bleed into other traumas. When does the bliss ever come? I feel like it's not fair to him. I wonder what his life would look like without me in it.

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