Overcame the Curse
by Christina A.
My mother married her drug dealer when I was 5 years old, who also turned out to be a child molester, along with a physically abusive tyrant to both myself and my brother. Their marriage, and the sexual abuse, lasted 4 years. And once I was sure my mother wasn’t going back to him, I told her what he had done. To my surprise, my mother didn’t believe me, and has called me a liar for the past 30 years.
I have struggled my entire life to build a relationship with her, knowing for some reason deep down, she didn’t like me. I never understood her hatred for me until 2004.
I worked very hard and even after 20 years, the state investigated and prosecuted this man for what he did (capital crimes) and he received 7 guilty verdicts and 7 life sentences based on my memory, the reports filed when I first told, and the guy’s own admissions on the stand in court.
What I learned during the course of the trial is that this guy asked my mother’s permission to “break me in”. My mother told me this herself, and needless to say, we haven’t spoken in almost 14 years. She always claimed I was a liar, but there she was, admitting she knew what was happening the whole time. She claimed I never showed any signs of being abused, but I started having migraines at age 6, I cried every time she left me alone with the guy, I was held back in kindergarten for behavioral problems, and I was bleeding at age 7 when I went to the restroom; those are the “signs I never showed”. But to anyone who was paying attention, I was definitely in trouble. It was at that moment I realized why my mother didn’t like me; knowing how vain my mother was, she actually hated me because in her mind, her husband wanted me over her. Instead of protecting her 5-year-old child, she chose her life of drugs and her man, and she hated me for it.
It’s been almost 14 years since I’ve seen or spoke to my mother. I feel great for having accomplished putting my abuser in prison, but I still struggle with memories and hurt feelings. I’ll never understand why I wasn’t worth enough to my own mother to deserve protecting. I had to fight for my vindication, and after it was all said and done, I was still “the liar”. My entire family is estranged over this and I am the odd one out. Why?
I overcame the curse. I graduated college with 2 degrees and had a son that I have an amazing relationship with. I couldn’t imagine not having my child in my life. My scars are many, but I am still reaching for my stars; I have managed to grab a few and hold on and every day gets a little better...