(New Jersey, USA)
I want to tell my story...and many will not believe me...like no one ever did when I told it in the first place.
I am looking for someone to talk to about what happened. I am currently 28 years old. The last time someone abused me, I was 17. The first time it happened, I was 14. My father's wife went on vacation, and I thought it was a treat to sleep in my father's bed--I set myself up, even though I didn't have any bad intentions. I hadn't been allowed to sleep with my parents ever...I have a tendency to kick and move around.
My dad let me sleep in bed with him. I fell asleep. When I woke up, my father was "going down" on me. I was only 14. Now, I would say that it was abuse, but I didn't stop it. He made me "feel good." He told me I reminded him of my mom (who had passed away a few years earlier)..I didn't ever say No. I never said No...and I went back a few nights later...Dumb ass...even though I knew it was wrong... I've never admitted this to anyone before. It's my fault because I went back, knowing he was going to do it again. It felt good. I felt good. I felt a connection between my father and I...that had never happened before...
And then I started misbehaving in school...I went from a straight A honors student to a f**ked up girl who cut herself...and wanted to be caught. I started to do drugs (not REAL drugs...because they scared me) but I took a few stackers hoping someone would notice SOMETHING was DIFFERENT and take me away. I started bringing vodka to school in water bottles because I thought someone would notice...and no one really did. I knew I didn't want to be anywhere near this man...my daddy...who pretended like nothing ever happened.
Then, one day, after a fight, I left my dad's house. I moved in with my deceased Mom's best friend...my godmother...and her husband and 2 sons. I was 16.
I was watching a movie with my godmother's 2 younger sons and her husband. Her husband started touching me under the blankets. I didn't stop him. Again, I was wrong. His two sons were RIGHT THERE. He made me climax. I felt good. Again...I didn't stop him.
A few months later, I woke up to their 12-year-old son pulling back my shorts and underwear...to touch me. I decided "That's IT!" It's one thing for older men to touch me but a CHILD?!?!?! I said to myself "F*** THIS!" and went to my godmother and her husband and said I had awoken to their son touching me. My godmother didn't believe me, but didn't question me. I had told her about my father, and she didn't believe me that time. She must have thought about "the child that cried wolf."
I've been looking for somewhere I can be anonymous and say these things...and I just happened to find this page.
I'm sure some won't believe me, but I just needed to say this to move on.
I will never truly move on. My experience when I was a child was limited, but the few adult men I encountered took advantage of me.
I wasn't a child prostitute. I wasn't involved in the slave trade. Many have it worse. But, I can't get over what was done to me.
I was just a normal American girl who grew up in a normal American family...who's Daddy touched her...and several others.
I still have nightmares about these things that happened to me so many years ago. There are times my boyfriend is trying to make me feel "good" and then I randomly think about the first time it ever happened. And then I feel dirty...I feel stupid and ignorant and evil...I think about the fact that first time I ever felt "good" was when my daddy was the reason...and I should have said stop...I should have said no...but I didn't.
I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who loves me and tries to understand...but sometimes I feel like even he may not believe me...but I'll never tell him everything...how many times can a girl really call wolf?
I wish I could truly move on. I wish I could face every bad thing that has ever happened. I wish I could accept the fact that worse COULD have happened.
But I can't.
I hope there's a day where someone reads this and understands they're not alone.
I feel like I am alone every moment of every day.
I feel like it's my issue...like maybe I invited this when I was nothing but a child.
But I was nothing but a child. And I will honestly say this...if I ever have a daughter, she will never feel as I did...she will never be alone.
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