Comments for Me and My Uncle

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Sep 29, 2014
To Name Undisclosed:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The way you feel about your uncle is not at all uncommon. By no means do 100% of victims hate their abusers. Not even close. Many feel much love for their sexual abusers, primarily because in the eyes of the victim, there was so much love shown. Even though it was a twisted and wholly inappropriate form of "love", the feelings are difficult to deny. But here's the problem: Sexual predators take advantage of their victims' youth and their vulnerabilities. They know how to manipulate and control their victims, and they take full advantage of their victims' needs and wants. You were not complicit in the "Game". You were manipulated, taken advantage of. Your uncle knew what he was doing was wrong because he made sure no one else knew about it. And he told you and implied it was a secret between you to keep you quiet. You needed him in your life and he used that against you. No matter how you feel about him still, that's what he actually did.

Yes, forgiveness is important in healing--and I'm one of the first to say so--but not at the expense of denying whatever pain there is about what really happened to you. We must first deal with our pain before forgiveness can really help with our healing, otherwise, it just becomes a way to excuse the behaviour that resulted in the pain you feel.

Your uncle must now live with what he's done. But don't for one second think that you were his only victim. There is a very high probability that he has molested other little boys before and quite likely after sexually abusing you all those years. He wasn't showing you love; he was exercising control and power, even though it didn't feel that way to you, and still doesn't. He groomed you, one step at a time. Re-read what you wrote; you can see it for yourself. That's what pedophiles do. He cannot be trusted around young boys. This is important, particularly if you ever have sons of your own.

You're a very loving and caring young man. That comes through loud and clear. But the prison your uncle has locked himself into is his to live in, until he decides he no longer wants to live in it. You are not his keeper. It's not your responsibility to make him feel better about what he did to you. It's certainly not necessary for you to try and make him feel worse about it, that's not what I'm saying. Nor am I saying that I think that's what you want to do. I know you want to be honest with him, but you're not yet ready to do that, mostly because of the way you feel about him. I'm saying that you are still vulnerable and that the relationship between the two of you continues as it did when you were a helpless child; you are and always have done whatever you could to make him happy because that's what you believed made him love you. A love that you were hungry, starving for. This will continue to be a pattern in your life, until you choose to change it.

As for your girlfriend and your urges, this too will continue. You cannot force her to do anything sexual that she doesn't want to do. And I'm not suggesting you would try to force her. Clearly, that's not your intent. But you're already fantasizing about getting those urges satisfied with someone else...it's going to be difficult maintaining a trusting relationship with that constantly going on in your head, no matter how much you love her. You're going to need to be honest, with your Self and with her, if you have any hope of a long term healthy relationship. It is doomed to fail otherwise.

There's so much more to say here, but not the time or space to do so. What your uncle did to you is having an impact on your life today. How could it not. And no matter how well you're coping, or how well you think you're coping, you still have much healing to do. Anger, hostility even, is not something to be ashamed of, as long as it's vented in healthy ways, and not harming you or others. You are not to blame for what happened to you. Blame and shame lies squarely on the shoulders of your uncle. And he knows that. Yes, you can help heal each other, but only if the relationship changes significantly. But you're not ready for that because you still want to make him happy. You cannot help each other if you keep trying to please him and bring him happiness, or if he continues to play the victim which results in you falling back into the role of trying to make him happy. That needs to stop, for your sake and for his. Please consider various healing modalities to help you move further along your healing path. There are so many out there. I send you both love, light and healing energy. And I thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

And just so you know, I had to condense your story somewhat in order for it to fit within my template. Some of the graphic content has been edited out, not so much because it was inappropriate, but more because I have to maintain a fine balance between a contributor's need to tell their story and what for some readers becomes pornography; there is no way to control the trolls who visit this site for an agenda that is inappropriate. I believe I've maintained the integrity of your story, even with those edits and consolidations. Again, I thank you for sharing here. Your voice can and will help many others, of that I'm confident.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Oct 30, 2014
very helpful
by: Anonymous

it was surprisingly good to read this first-person account of abuse and the psychologists reply. i.e. i usually don't get into these web "conversations", but I had a very similar situation. i.e. "Abused" by a neighbor---i put it in quotes because at the time it seemed fun. It was also "our game"! He was the only older boy who paid much attention to me. Looking back, I think i found it flattering. Years later I learned that he had spiraled down into abuse of alcohol and then drugs. I heard he had died in his 40's. Like this man's uncle, this guy didn't seem like a demon....he seems, in retrospect, like a tortured soul. When it was happening, he was 14 to 17. He was really a kid too. I agree this writer has no obligation to help his uncle, but if he can, I think it would turn a sad and confusing chapter of his childhood into a potentially wonderfully liberating one. Both the article and the professional reply seem so realistic and positive, it's nice to feel confident for the other victim in one of these cases. It's not always (often?) that way.

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