Letting It Out

by Shawnee
(Alabama, USA)

I'm 25 years old. My sexual abuse started at the age of 4 and continued til the age of 11. My abuser is someone I would've thought I could look up to as I got older, my big sister, but that wasn't the case at all, actually the opposite. She is 5 years older than me. It all started with her telling me we are "playing games" or "exercising" or something like that. Making it seem like it was ok or normal. At the age of 4 I didn't have the knowledge to know or understand what was happening to me. I always thought families love each other and would never want to hurt their family in any way.

Being that it started at such a young age I don't remember what I would've thought as I got older. I just know I didn't feel normal or like others. Always felt very different. I also blocked all the traumatizing memories out, as if I didn't remember any of that happening. I guess that's how traumatizing the abuse was for me, especially mentally.

It has truly messed me up really bad mentally and it's kinda a relief now in a way, because I now at least know the reason I always felt the way I did and always done crazy things and didn't know why, I had different coping mechanisms to help. I have always had very abnormal anxiety, especially for a child. Normally children don't have much anxiety, defiantly not like I ever had. I was also extremely shy and quiet. I guess that's what made me feel socially awkward.

I was also rebellious as a teenager. Ran away a few times. Snuck out. Skipped school. I guess I was acting that way as a cry for help, but didn't realize that's what I was doing because I had repressed memories. I didn't even understand why I was acting out because I truly wasn't a bad kid at all.

I was even seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis. Looking back, I feel he should've seen some signs. I know he saw them, I guess he just didn't know they were signs because something traumatizing happened to me.