I am typing this in hopes to maybe make me feel more better. I am emotionally and was physically abused by my father. When I was young, my mother and father would yell at each other but the abuse didn't happen until after I was 9. During my 8th year I was placed in Foster Care (for many reasons) and separated from my brother and twin. During this time my mom and dad had got a divorce and my mother had died from alcohol abuse.
After 2 foster homes (one was terrible) we moved in with my dad. Child protected services visited to make sure we were fine and at the time we were. My dad worked afternoons and me, my twin (age 9), and my brother (age 11) were home alone a lot. I actually enjoyed this because when he wasn't home, we were not getting beaten. My dad had started to yell at us and hit us for the most childish of things, for example, eating food that was apparently his like chips. He had even left bruises on me and I cried all the time. I was scared of him. I would even write notes to him because I was so scared to talk to him and anytime I tried to defend myself he would slap me for "talking back." He would also force us to eat moldy food.
Our neighbors had called the cops several times on my dad and CPS (child protected services) had came several times. And when the Social Worker talked to us children individually about our dad asking "Does he ever hit you?" I wanted to say yes but before I could my dad came storming in from the other room saying "Don't you answer that!" and told us to go outside. He had told us later that if we had ever told anyone about him hitting us and if we were ever taken into Foster Care again, that he would not get us back. And at that time, I did not want to go back to Foster Care. Every time he yelled at us or hit us, he would apologize and say he was sorry but he always did it again. This continued until my sister and I "became a woman" at age 14 and then he would only yell, never hit (occasionally hit my brother).
Anything I say is wrong and he has never been supportive of me and now at age 20 I feel trapped. Every time I try standing up for myself or telling him how I feel, I choke up and can't say anything. And when my sister (my twin) had tried talking to my dad about the abuse he denied the whole thing and said he had never touched us and if he had and not remembered, he said he was sorry but I can't help but not believe it because he had said sorry all the other times as well. And when I did manage to try to talk about my anxiety to him, he laughed at me and said I was overreacting. And when he yells, I can't help but just cry or crouch thinking he is going to hit me. There was a period in time where I wouldn't even cry at all.
I think about moving out all the time so I can get away and just be free but will that help? I want to be myself and I can't be because my dad does not approve. I have been too scared to go see a doctor for depression because if my dad were to find out I am scared he would yell at me and tell me I am overreacting and blame this on me. I still have dreams of him hitting us and I can't stop thinking about it. I try to say to myself "it was the past" but it keeps coming up. There is plenty more things but here is the gist of it. Thanks for reading <3.
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