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Sep 18, 2009
Stay in counselling...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Tammy, I can only offer space here for you to tell yours and your daughter's story, and to say stay in counselling. You have a triple whammy to deal with: the sexual abuse you yourself endured and perhaps haven't yet dealt with; the abuse your daughter has now endured; and the unwarranted guilt you feel for all of the above. You're doing everything you can, Tammy. Keep being that support for your daughter.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me, and I wish you and your daughter and immediate family all the best. Regardless of the outcome, you have each other; there is great strength in that.

And Tammy, I did receive your request for a room in "Safe House". I no longer use that segment of my site for new postings. But feel free to post anytime through my child abuse page here on the site. When you get there, scroll down to the form on that page, write your article, and then submit it for posting. This is exactly the same process you would follow if I were still operating Open Space.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir


Sep 18, 2009
Thanks for posting my story
by: Tammy

Dear Darlene,

I wanted to take the time to thank you for posting my story- it means a lot to me to be heard and understood. Something very empowering about that. I stumbled across your site while trying to find info on this subject.Initially I was looking for studies about the mind of a pedophile- how their thought process works. I didn't find much. I guess I will always find myself asking why. I don't believe it's the victim's fault at all- it is definitely the abuser's fault. But that's where my understanding ends. I can't grasp the concept of what makes a person do this- much less lie about it and refuse to acknowledge it. Where is their conscience?
I am very glad to have found your site as my counsellor is not always available. It's very healing to have a place to vent other than my journal- a journal doesn't talk back. And the information available on here is phenomenal.
Thanks Darlene. This site is a gift.
Tammy

From Darlene: A heartfelt thank you in return, Tammy.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Sep 21, 2009
Love oozes from Darlene's heart to you
by: maurice

Oh Tammy, Love sure is at the center of Darlene's comment tou you and your beautiful Daughter. You are the best mother you are doing what you know to be the best for both of you now. You know that attending counselling is your saving help. Always believe that for both of you. Your daughter is ever so blessed to have a mother who loves her and will stand by her and get all the help she needs now to get on with her life. She is good for you too. Just be there for each other, listen to your counsellor and take heed of Darlene's words to you both. Hug each other back to living well, laughing alot, and loving much. beginning with each other. Look in the mirror and be gentle and kind. Saying all the positive's that bring out the best in you both for each other. Just acknowledge you did the right thing by trusting her and don't be blaming yourself or having guilt trips about it. You are a good mother Tammy. Listen to your counsellors they are there for you both now. Darlene knows best.

Mar 30, 2010
important to read this
by: Anonymous

Your story , well sound s so familiar to me except for one thing, he got caught,

I dont know if this is going to help you out knowing this but exact same circumstances of my relatives friends went on, meaning that they had that so called family where kids raised and same exact thing the parents were with thier biological and thier foster care and thier adopted kids. What i couldnt understand later
was that, my familys friend a girl, she seemed normal nice she was one of the adopted kids , supposedly, i remember my family memeber wouldnt tell me why so upset cryed even, that being around a abusive family this friends family he couldnt handle, i kept asking what are you talking about , but wouldnt tell me, later as time went by that person who he was close to becaem a monster of some sorts then confided had been abused but still a monster created problems and stole things and acted very badly even ended up lied to my family memeber and to me and stole things and jealous of my daughter even said so took her things too. my husband condoned the relationship where again before i came back moved in the area and the house we lived in, he had said i wanted to see how you this person the one creating trouble now for us but then i didnt know this person even around my daughter, my husband said he wanted to see how she would be with my duaghter, later i as she got bad and evil and werid, from that family, my family memember i told what the husband mine had said and we confronted her. she lied . i found out later that foster care and that mom of fourteen of her own too, she raised petafiles these two sons adopted became pedifiles regestered and all
i just coulndt beleive it, i hated them,
they also picked on my son their family came here tormented him they tryed to turn family against one another, my daughter and worse,
not to scare you but the police and you said the system who failed or maybe will, well
contin on next comment see

Mar 30, 2010
important
by: Anonymous

contin from important to read

the police threatened me said my family memember couldnt be here at my house with out this other family this person, she was the abuser and her family was the abusers not other way around
thats why you need to be very careful

what i mean is they lie , you or your family could end up accused of what happen or what they do or did,

that is something also happen we had multiple situations where i found stolen things in the possession of this person, what i did was have her do and calle the police for a change of address
how convincing was she and they, crying an made me look bad, my family was good more than good great wonderful person, they even used our identity too.

i guess what i think is so important is to know first how lucky you are that it came out

and from what you say how in depth it is , all the kids taken then yes more than likely you dont know all, they all were abusers, more than likely fact.

what will be even harder because i been thru this with money things where family betrayed me took money and then no family i had no contact their choice money over me, suddenly i only with my immediate family

so you will be alone but with your immediate family and when you think about it,
that is your only family period

thier are not your family anyway, only immediate family is you being the adults good ones and your children that is family

what made me feel better about my money greed family i lost or ended up with out is, that
when i had hoildays and such it was the best with my immediate family and parents thats it

you didnt lose anything first off with them
who cares about losing that family

and who did what and how many , and cut ties with them , that is best advise you have to just be with your immediate family thats it and focus on who that is each one then never look back at them, thats hard to do.

and the abuse how lucky to have found out
for my situtation i knew in heart but i got treated so badly when i tryed to confront the situation, why did they raise petafiles i ask
no answer and all , and i get phone calls
scary ones they had a disabled girl there too
i reported it all phone company and to my family they got mad at me said i didnt know what i was talking about , but see i felt better safe than sorry, but i didnt have facts they too exact same as you described here,

i had phone calls messages i wake up middle of night from that household saying, abusive words and someone cryed and yelling and i called the police they were mad as hell at me,
i thought something is not right here just not right, of course i was the one they thought had a problem even after i traced and reported someone called i said this to my family but they had my family beleiveing it didnt happen.
i also told the police too. they said all i could do is report the telephone thing trace it and all nothing else,







Mar 30, 2010
important contin
by: Anonymous

contin important comment

think how lucky you are to be away and out of it
imagine how i felt each time my daughter around that family member just the related family memember worried and all and not being able to prove the calls and just had to watch and hope they made me feel like i was wrong, and all
and i felt helpless. and consider the husband who condoned the family think if your husband lied the father of your daughter then later wouldnt admitt it, when i confronted him
but what good came out of it, my family memember stood up to theier family got rid of relationship believed me that person we put out of our house, thier wierdo family and sorry so cold but true, that person used to threaten me say was going to break up my family an all
but we stood up to her.
later stupid ly my other family memember brought her over her to get a ride another year or two later i was very angry i didnt want them around me
same exact kind of family, i never trusted them
and i didnt want my family over there, some of the kids innocent as you had mentioned and its sad yes but those kids they will get out if normal and you cant risk your family i had to stand up to them, it didnt feel good just because of my gut feeling just morals and thier lies saying things to me threaten me and also those phone calls too strange , but i was treated like i did something wrong protecting or tryint to protect my family and home
from them so you see how lucky you are
what if they continued to get away with this
then what, end up in your house one of them or one of them bring one of them in your house and all worse. you got away and your family gets away from them . lucky.
and i wouldnt have anything to do with anyone else just your family thats it.

and be very careful they changed around and used our info too i found out took phones and did all kinds of wierd stuff i couldnt prove that either
i blame that nut the mom or grandmom, she all laddy da, sweet this and that her flowers and such and shopping and all really fake and sacrine sweet like she was this great mom and all
right, to this day i think fake and lieing
well your story brings up alot because i never found out the truth, i just got my family away from them , to a point at least around my home and my family left that girl. and we got change of address, funny is they actually beleive their own lies, make me look nuts, still when that day came her recent with out my permission then gave a ride to my family well i heard her say oh such and such better now right, me, she lived in a house of pedifiles her adopted mom rasided them from babies , babies so its that household did it, what did go on what did happen that night
the calls and all, to this day they think they are ok i guess whatever happen they got away with it, and worse , the one girl disabled
how could she defend herself and she supposed beautiful too women, even though disabled,

Mar 30, 2010
important cont
by: Anonymous

contin from important

and that women the grandmom the adopted grandmom she raised two pedifiles as infants so came from her household. who knows what happen,
and or why that person called out for help, i tryed
and your story about family side with molester

and your story about if the system will fail you
well be prepared for a big ride, a scary and one you wont like

i wouldnt get envolved at all keep your immediate family out of it , fact

the police told me my family who did nothing had to be here my home with that girl, a nut an liar
and they used his relationship with her as
a way to keep us apart and they lied the police
they didnt know what family was who
my family ended up emessed with them we didnt want that what ended up was we stood up to what we did know and see that alone enough to get her out, and thinking back to my family cryed and all
knew why didnt they say right then tell me the truth, see they hid stuff and you are lucky you know. if you had known someone had a record checked on your person did this , wouldnt you have acted differently if you had known that
yes, so you are lucky. you know now and who cares you got your family away from them and move on new happy life smaller family yours god gave you , preciuous to you so each day just focus on that, small little facts of what you do your life your little help and what do you do to help your family forget all the other stuff who did what them where and all that make it easy on yourself. i feel i lost family memebers to these people , but i cant prove it, and they lied about things the system the police
didnt know who is who what people related and all
thats why i say stay away from them , they might get you mixed up or envolved some way.

Mar 30, 2010
police are stupid and system failed long time ago
by: Anonymous

important contin

and one last thing, dont count on the system
or the police , at all.
for help or justice, your justice came from the fact it came out from your family right or who told , thats it,
when you get in the system when you get the police envolved, once you get into that arena
you become considered guilty before they say its not so but its so, and guilty by association,
fact, they dont help you. our system most of it is about money nothing else, i found this out
when family estate stuff came, and for my daughter things, they lie too. dont count on a failed system if the system didnt fail us those foster care and those adopted and that big family of yours see i even think of yours ,
they wouldnt have been able to get away with this
our system failed us long long time ago , i faced it, justice is kind of a thing of the past its about money if you got it then the good the bad an the ugly they win . the system the police they dont care, they have to have quotas, have a scapegoat, your justice is what you must have enstilled into who told , your law and moral law
your family and how wonderful of a person you must have been to create someone so brave and strong to tell , you dont need some stupid police yes stupid and system that failed us all long time ago. dont count on them

Mar 30, 2010
your family a hero you raised a role model to stop these kind of people for our future
by: Anonymous

important contin
other thing i remember is that, the system failed because of preventative measures
the law should have put in place not wait until someone is abused and wait till money is stolen
and then think time and place this day and age
the heatlh care system failed us right think
well, after all these crimes happen who ends up taking care of us, the medical people the couselors but what did or do they do, i tell you the only thing works stand up for yourself do what your hero did in your family an hero all of us here would applaud who cares about your big wierdo family saying you betrayed them, sure
who told this are heros for our country our world someone who will be able to turn our world around in life, you must be the best parent and best person you raised a hero, i mean this from the bottome of my heart so help me god,
your family saved more than likely many more
who knows considering what you said , foster care and adopted people , you shoud get an award for raising family that told how brave .
forget those nuts and keep your precious family safe and live a small thankful life , full of all the things you taught them your immmediate family , and well you have to cut your self off from the other ones it will feel sorry for them
but you have to.

Mar 30, 2010
heros always help good and bad help our world , your family thank you
by: Anonymous

the hero,

and the person beleive it or not that got caught
best thing could happen, to that person too
sick, and needs help

i hate lies and hidden things, a normal person envolved with someone like that would get a person help a family not hide it
and they would be responsible
normal parents and normal families would
fact,

not only did your family be a hero for our good people and family there
the good inncent one s being hurt
but also for the one abused

to make a difference so maybe we correct the failed system, that is going to be tough
they are catching groups and one s of power and control doctors even, now, but think how long to clean up our system, it breeds this kind of thing
they wont look deeper into it, find out real troubles, i feel the system will look for on the surface things scapegoat drag anyone and everyone into it, and cover up, things lie to cover thier envolvment in it too .
no one would want to take responsibility for this yet dont you see your family an the ones that told did, amazing character , and hero

and strengh it took to do that , a big stupid court system they lie and they hide stuff
use the law to manipulate and all, no one wants responisbility for this do they its terrible thing
and in the system the cops , they lie and lie in each arena there a few of those that take advantage of vunerable ones lawyers lie , police lie and well its true i wouldnt ever count on them
there is no justice except for ones like your hero and family
the part i dont understand is, the drinking
ordered not to drink , come on
liquid courage might have helped that person admitt or confess to oneself,
sounds like they actually think acolhole a factor, please

and dont feel him wandering around is going to
not be punish ment, well i think irresponsible in another way , he i assume he should get help
see our system is completely off center, i hate our system , i been thrown into it not like you but other things the estate and the police alway s go after wrong ones they are just stupid and the system is just backwards, i gave up beleiving in justice with our system , they let it go too too far now paying all our free enterprize the heatlh care system down the drain and doctors are abusers too. to me well thinking of you , your family i think you end up ok
you have a hero in your family that made a difference, and your family will protect you and you them, and even that person end up helped because of you , fact, you will see , i wouldnt even follow the case , and get lawyer and say no i dont want to be envolved , dont find out anything, keep out of it, dont let your family know either, protective order or something ,

Mar 30, 2010
vedio tapes are not used for simple cases they are lieing to you and using you .
by: Anonymous

last comment

we also knew family that used vedio and photos to take people look alike in families then make it look like that person abuser who was not that person and broke up family

the vedio part sounds like more of this
i wouldnt get envolved at all not one bit
you dont want to be the one say yes the wrong person, that sounds like lazy law and lazy system or worse the system with in the system setting innocent up

you better be careful i wouldnt do any any more
get out of the family leave and just stay out of it, period, i feel so strongly i have a really
serious feeling about this the vedio
part , they normally use that so no paper proof for private reason, too, not for this type of case

for privacy reasons i would look up that legally
and i definalely would not identify him off vedio you or your family no dont do it
lazy people law and legal or worse as i said
the system with in the system, they take advantage of vunerable ones young one s and vicitims and others too become scapegoats
please dont ruin what you hero did , feed into the lazy system wont do thier job right or worse accuse someone else, they might be hiding something from you. lies, the real group who did it , like drug dealers go out look for young ones teach them to use drugs same thing for groups of abusers, you said foster care and adopted , part of a system you better get her out you out of it now no i woudnt do it please dont. and protect your family say mental duress you done your part, and her and husband dont get enovolved. they are hiding something used this person i feel to hide what they are doing that family i really feel strongley about this sounds like it, then think the whole thing they get caught. no dont do the vedio id thing dont
i just pray for you , you do the right thing, vedio is used for what privacy things not this
you need to find out why they say protect you , you can go to judeges chambers, or other i dont know i wouldnt do that very dangerous, sounds like lies use a cover up and vedio is for privacy things, not this type of case, thats so dangerous, for everyone anything could be used over and over to tourture someone, no dont do that and if the wrong person later your daughter gets sued or god worse dont let her do that and dont you no

Apr 16, 2010
Tradgic, sad, deplorable, un-real un-natural
by: maurice

We'll never know the why? How in the family unit the basic acceptance of what a family should be all about that many stand by knowing some-one they should love and cherish is being molessted in front of their eyes and allow it to continue. revultion/pugnant/weak B's of human beings. Nothing can justify such weakness/wimpyness in human beings. seeing an innocent/vunerable child/teenagers body being brutalised in what ever form of abuse. Out of fear I stood by once when 5 of my fellow students were being physiaclly beaten by our abuser. We were all 16/17 years of age big enough and strong enough to over-power the sadistic B'''ard. Ever since it has played on my (OUR) minds because when we meet we all say how the hell we stand idly by? I don't regard myself as being weak, because we were under his control in this boarding school institution which accepted what went on as being normal. My heart goes out to all the MOTHERS of that generation who were through no fault of theirs scared to speak out, tell their husbands to stop beating/hitting abusing their children. Society accepted that form of Family life Back Then. Where I grew up in rural ireland I know now the abuse that went on in the cottages and houses around me. My hair stands on my head as people who went to school with tell what went on behind closed doors. Their Father's belt was well worn on their tender bare bottoms right up to their late and early twenties until they left home. It is frightening hearing such hiddeness of abuse in such a God Fearing community. Notice it was not a God loving Community because that was the teaching of the CHURCH at that time through out the Universe. Bad, Bad men getting their kicks out of beating their sons and more so their daughters bare bottoms at their every whim. All have lived with the effects of such abuse all their lives. many would say existing in life rather than living life. We are all in a better place now because of site's like DARLENE'S. The high-lighting by the media and others of the awfulness of the abuse that went on>>un-told un-noticed down the centuries is making our present society aware of it.

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