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Aug 14, 2011
Lee:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I learned a very long time ago that trying to change someone else is futile. The only person who can change is you. We can't control others, but we can choose how we're going to respond and react to them. I also learned that when adults can't break free of dysfunctional behaviour, it's because they are stuck in childhood. Your response to your mother is based in your own childhood, and that's completely understandable. The fact that you already know this means you can get past it. Try seeing your mother as a child herself. Whatever happened in her life (and not just the life she had with her husband, but the life she lived as a little girl) left her with serious problems, problems she has carried with her into her 80s. How sad is that. How utterly sad that she spoiled any efforts you made at a reconciliation and ultimately a close relationship with her daughter, and likely her grandson too. She's lost a great deal, Lee. All from her own doing. You, on the other hand, can choose to behave in a way that is filled with compassion and understanding. Forgiveness comes from dealing with your own past, and then once that happens, seeing your mother from a new perspective. She will likely never be the mother you wanted and needed as a child. When you shine the light of understanding on your childhood, the fantasy will let you go, and then so will the expectations, and then so will the blame. That's when forgiveness will come naturally. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir


Aug 14, 2011
Lee...
by: Anonymous

You were given a raw, crappy deal because your parents were so twisted and messed up in their own ways of thinking that they didn't even know how to take care of themselves; not to mention be parents to you and your brother. You certainly deserved so much better than what they did to you...and you're not to blame for their ignorant behavior; they were (and still are) to blame because they chose to abuse you. Plus, something was (and still is) seriously wrong with them. You were the child (so was your brother); they were the adults; they had all the power and only misused it over you guys. I really hope that you are in a safe place now and that you try counselling.

Aug 14, 2011
I can relate
by: Carrie

I am so sorry for what you've been through. I can totally relate. I will never have the Mom I long for either. I am learning through therapy that I never will...I can't change her. I have a very abusive Father mostly verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. My Mother never protected us or herself...to this day. In fact, my Dad has brain washed her that she mostly turns against me. I have had to let them go for now as they are toxic to my recovery. I have come to realize that my Mom was not capable of giving me what I need. She was and is using all her energy to survive my Dads abuse and extreme control She never protected us either. I always wished they would divorce. Please consider getting therapy, it is amazing how much it can help you heal. All the very best to you.

Carrie

Mar 30, 2013
You must forgive in order to fully heal
by: Anonymous

Lee, I agree 150% with the advice Darlene gave you. My dad, who ironically, I favored over my mom. He only raped me when he was on drugs and beat mom when he was drunk. Mom caught him in the act when I was 8, said "I knew it!" Walked out n shut the door. She acted as if she caught her husband in bed with another woman!! I immediately felt guilty. I felt like "the other woman". How messed up is that? They divorced when I was 9. I recall begging her not to make me live with him I said to her "you know what he does to me"! at 14, I caught him on my little sister, never new he was abusing her as well. I finally told someone who actually cared. Dad went to jail, we went into foster care. Mom moved out of state and acted like she never had a clue about the abuse! I spent the next 16 years despising her. Dad admitted his crime, apologized to us and begged us to forgive him but understood if we wouldn't. We did, of course. He eventually got back on drugs and I was married with 2 girls so I just forgot I had a father, still loathing mom. I was 30 years old when I sat back thinking about life and was for the 1st time able to put myself in my moms shoes. She was victimized too. She was barely 17 when I was born. At 15, my mamaw FORCED her to abort her 1st baby and its father killed himself. When my dad beat her one night shortly after I was born, she got the nerve to call my grandparents to come get us. Mamaw was ashamed of mom and would not let her stay( mom was only 17! I have a 17 year old daughter now and I feel SO BAD for my mom) My grandparents kept me for the next 5 years. Things were hard for women like that back in 1974. She did love dad, so she always went back when he cried n begged for forgivenes. Mom adored her father and he adored her but my mamaw was not the same loving sweet woman I knew, not to her own daughter. 1979, my brother was born, mom n dad bought a new house and they took me back. Life was ideal for @ a year. Point is this, your mom is more than just a mother. She was someone's daughter and a child herself at one time. I am almost certain she had some type of abuse as a child.

Mar 30, 2013
Part 2: gotta forgive to heal
by: Anonymous

Everyone handles this stuff differently. You seem like a very strong person whereas your mother simply is not. Trust me, YOU will feel so much better if you can somehow forgive her. If she STILL hasn't apologized to you, and insists she was in no way at fault, its gonna be HARD. Once I sincerely forgave my mother, she finally let all of her emotion out and with it was her apology and how disgusted with her self she felt. My dad passed in 08 at only 54 my mom is now 56 and we could be closer but we have a great relationship! She has been an amazing mom and grandmother. She is a totally different person than she was, let a man even look at me funny and she will go off!! She runs her own tax business and is a very strong independent woman. I love her very much and am so glad I finally forgave her. I know my support and persistence helped her earn her degree and get tough! Best of luck to you.

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