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Dec 04, 2008
You said a LOT more than you realize...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Oh Anonymous, you've said a great deal throughout your story. You wrote with such honesty: "I want to hear that he is sorry, but he isn't. I don't want to feel like I want him. It's sick. I don't want to have such vile thoughts, but I do. I want my family to know what their doubt has caused, but they won't. I really want to yell at him, but I can't. I want to feel normal, but I don't." ALL of this profoundly illustrates the life-long and life-altering effects of sexual abuse, (any kind of abuse, actually) especially when that abuse goes on in families/step-families. Every other child abuse survivor can relate to you on many levels: the confusion, the need to confront, the need to be understood, the need to be validated and supported, the need to "re-write" all that was done to you so that "normality" can enter your life. I find it quite amazing that you've never turned to any kind of substance abuse. You should be so very proud of that. It shows how much strength you really have.

There is no surprise that inside you're conflicted and emotionally distraught. What you are dealing with is perfectly normal under the circumstances. No one goes through abuse unscathed, regardless of how well that person can hide the hurt and harm done to him or her. You learned to shut up, shut out, and shut down because that was survival for you. But the physical and sexual abuse is no longer happening, Anonymous. It's in your past. You are no longer in the abuse. Now it's time to open up. It's time to open up to healing and recovery. You've taken the first step by writing your story here on my site. But it's been my experience that opening up is too difficult to do alone; therefore, as I so often do, I strongly urge you to enter into some form of counselling. A counsellor can help you deal with your conflicting emotions, as well as help you to truly understand what has happened to you on a physical and emotional level. Knowledge can be very powerful, and perspective is everything when dealing with the turmoil, Anonymous. When you learn and understand that any shame lies squarely on the shoulders of your abuser, when you come to realize that the feelings you are now experiencing as a result of being molested and betrayed are not at all uncommon, when you discover that your body has betrayed you NOT the other way around, only then will your thoughts about yourself begin to soften. And if anyone deserves to soften their thoughts about themselves, that would be you, dear, that would be you.

And just for the record, the length of the story you submitted above is nowhere near a novel. It was the perfect length. You expressed a lot more than you know.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 04, 2008
Writing helps
by: kristen

Hi Anonomous,

I too write and write because it is one way that I know to try to get the thoughts from stopping from going round and round and round in my head. Please dont feel bad about writing so much. I also understand the conflict that goes on inside when you both love someone and fear them.

I also understand looking perfect on the outside and actually having a fulfilling life while being full of turmoil on the inside. Sometimes that turmoil boils over and writing is a way to cope with it.

Hope this helps.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

kristen.

Dec 05, 2008
writing....
by: touched2mysoul

I understand writing so much and feeling like there is nothing there but yet so much to more to tell... I have written here on this site... for me it was a chance to say what i cant necessarily verbalize... to share my experience... to find out if someone relates. This has helped me as i have learned it is imperative to be heard. To be related to.

Continue to share... continue to tell... there are many who listen..I have heard you and you are in my thoughts and prayers..

Jan 04, 2009
Your words to my heart
by: cassandra

'Every time Joe is over to visit the family, I deal with conflicting feelings: fondness for a brother (why?! Like I know!), fear of an attacker, confusion (caused mostly by a sickening desire for him), revulsion, and sadness.'

I too was abused by brothers (full in my case, not step) and have found the same problems when faced with them.

I don't know if it ever gets any easier, but I would like to say you aren't alone. Your words to my heart you are not alone.

*hugs*
cass

Jan 08, 2009
STRONG
by: Anonymous

wow uur steph broter..ugh..anyway wish yo all the best xoxoxox<3

SIGHHNED 12 year old giirl

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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