Comments for Child Abuse Story From touched2mysoul Part 3

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Dec 05, 2008
No surprise that your father was a cop...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I've already stated my thoughts about your father...I believe you'll have to deal with the conflict of having a father who loved you to pieces, yet turned a blind eye to the abuse your mother was inflicting; that made him an enabler. Very difficult to deal with on an emotional level, I'm sure. Perhaps your therapist can help you with this. You see, touched2mysoul, it matters not that you cleaned up and hid the evidence; there was still proof sitting at the dinner table right before his eyes. You have no blame or shame in this. He saw that you were in pain and agony; he couldn't have missed it. I don't believe for one second that you could have completely hidden the physical and emotional signs, signs he would have seen because he was a cop. Years ago, my therapist helped me come to terms with my father's abandonment (he too was an enabler, although he was also an abuser himself). Perhaps your therapist can help you with your conflict.

As for your mother, she was twisted and demented on a level that some would call psychopathic. She beat you purposefully and viciously, intent on...what, making you pay for the love you got from your father, love that she needed but didn't get. I paid for the love of my father in much the same way you paid. But perhaps there were additional, more sinister "reasons" for the beatings your mother forced you to endure....

There were questions about my mother's intent that plagued me while I was growing up. I had to face those questions when I was in therapy. As a teenager, I learned that she was aroused by the beatings she doled out so regularly. She even reenacted bondage scenes (in combination with the beatings) from her porn magazines with us kids. I wrote an article about that at Can childhood spanking be administered because of or lead to a spanking fetish? on this site.

I related to the never-ending beating and the desperation you were dealing with during those sadistic beatings; I learned to dissociate from my body. I can't relate to a hug or an "I love you" after a beating (crazy-making stuff!), because my mother never seemed to get over whatever "crime" we'd committed to warrant the beating in the first place; she was forever angry. My mother (and my father) claimed to strap and beat us "because they loved us"...hmmmm...ever since I was old enough to reason for myself, I've believed such a claim is absurd; there's nothing "loving" about a violent act. We certainly didn't feel loved. But that was the "Catholic" way, the way that most kids in my neighbourhood grew up, the way many visitors to my site grew up.

Thank you for sharing even more of your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 05, 2008
dont be ashamed
by: kristen

Don't be ashamed. I dont think you have lost your mind. Certainly not whith regard to writing down your life.

Although your life was different to mine, I understand through writing that it is a way of dealing with it.

I totally understand cooperating to hide the marks. In my case my parents beat me thogether, I loved them both and did eveything to make sure that no one saw any marks. I remember learning to stand still and quiet. Although I was not naked, I had to wear a swimming costume, I can understand your feeling of just total powerlessness as they stand there fully clothed and you are just so exposed. Just stand there. Hands by my side. There are differences too like my parents never yelled. They just spoke quietly. No yelling in our house. I understand not being able to react to protect yourself. Those are the rules. Stand still. Hands in front on the table or couch. No sound. The pain searing through you but you must not protect yourself. And later, in my case, the feeling of guilt at being so bad as to deserve this punishment.

Thankyou for writing too because it makes me not feel alone. Maybe different experiences but still I dont feel so alone. Thankyou.


Dec 05, 2008
No need to feel embarrassed
by: Francine

Sweetie, you shouldn't have to be embarrassed nor ashamed of yourself. Your mother is the one responsible for what she did to you, NOT you. If your father was the cop, then I am dismayed at the fact that he didn't arrest her for beating and harrassing you. No offense, but your mom was insane as heck; a real mother would never boast about beating her own children, let alone her daughter. However, I am delighted that you had tried therapy cuz therapy is the only thing that you'd ever deserved. But I am sorry that your father died and although I truly understand his love for you as well as yours for him, he should've been there for you. Anyway, I hope that you're recovering from that trauma that your mother had caused you to endure as a kid. No one deserves to be treated like trash.

Dec 05, 2008
by: touched2mysoul

Ive read the comments... the relating is so real from so many...being heard here is helping. God Bless you all and thank you for your words...

Dec 10, 2008
mind controll.
by: Scott from Canada

Its amazing how we as children learn to accept these awful rituals as normal.Kristen's story and your own are so alike,but different.I put my story on here too and realized its all about submission.We as children were force to submit.If not,your body was treated like a seperate part of you.A part for smacking,touching and poundind.A body for undressing and rubbing and inspections.We were controlled through this body of ours to submit.The awful thing is that the submission was the punishment.Submit to be good,and submit because you were not good.We [had] to let these adults do what they wanted to our bodies.They could strip off all our clothes and do as they pleased.We had to let them,we had to submit.They controlled our minds in order to have our bodies.This is no horror movie was us inside those little bodies looking out.And what did we see? They made us not cry out,when inside we were screaming.........HEY, ITS ME IN HERE!! Staring out through these eyes and hearing those smacking sounds like they were coming from elswhere.Having to let an adult have their way with you,and publicly."Go to your room and take off ALL your clothes and wait for me",and you know what? Thats exactly what we did.Mind control.

Dec 11, 2008
to scott from canada
by: touched2mysoul

you are so right... it was mind control at its worst... it still controls thats the worst

Dec 12, 2008
by: Anonymous

I read all of your posts and can relate to the abuse that you suffered. When my mom beat my bare bottom with her wooden spoon, I would scream and beg her to stop because she was hurting me. I can not understand how she could continue to beat me as begged her to stop. I would be given additional spankings if I did not stop crying soon enough for her or be sent to my room to cry myself to sleep

Dec 22, 2008
Mind Control
by: Mark

I was reading your comments about mind control: Here is a conversation I remember having with my mom.

Mom: I am tired of you being bad boy and not obeying me.

ME: Are you going to spank me?

Mom: Am I a good mother?

Me: Yes

Mom: How are good mothers supposed to punish bad little boys?

Me: (sheepishly) Spank them?

Mom: Yes they are. So if you are a bad little boy and I am a good mother, what do you think I should do?

Me: (very sheepishly) Spank me.

And that is just what she did.

Dec 23, 2008
A common conversation.
by: Scott ,Canada

I had that exact thing happen to me.This conversation went on while my clothes were removed.I would feel so cold,and not from the lack of clothing.Terrible fear.I would tremble.And answering the questions was manditory.Being pinned across an adults lap and spanked while having to answer,at the same time.And their hand rubbing and waiting for that answer.And you had better answer correctly or else.I have to ask....OR ELSE WHAT!Your already beating me.And that was a teacher.I shake just writing this down. " What did I tell you I was going to do?","What do you think I should do?", "Do you want a spanking?"......thats a good one hey,now how should I answer that.Hmmm...oh heres a good one.."Do you want me to pull down you pants?" Well ,gee thats a hard one. Then being told to bend over someones knee.I feel sick. My father was a good one too.He was finding a good peice of rope to use on us.My brother and I bent over,waiting.Then those questions.I ended up confessing because my older brother would have killed me.Dad didnt beat me though,but the damage was done by then. Yeh,mind controll.We answered these questions sheepishly,your right.It left me feeling like an accomplice,a willing contributor to my own abuse. Staring at the floor answering questions. Mind controll.

Feb 07, 2009
To Mark
by: Francine

With all due respect, Mark, your mom was NOT a good mother at all; in fact, a really good mother would NEVER beat, let alone spank their kids, let alone boys, for misbehaving. Instead, they discipline the kids with patience, which includes time-outs, taking away the kids' favorite priviledges (i.e. TV, computer, time with friends, video games, pick a priviledge) for a while whenever the kids are being naughty; your mom had a lot of choices and she made only the wrong ones. Your mom really needs help, Mark. Maybe a friendly trip to counselling or therapy would help her out. And I hope you get help too, Mark. Stay strong and take care!

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this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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E-book: Victim To Victory

From Victim to Victory
a memoir

How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life


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