Comments for Child Abuse Story From touched2mysoul Part 2

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Dec 03, 2008
You've made perfect sense...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Again, I find myself relating directly to your story; perhaps for slightly differing reasons.

The Christmas holidays were a nightmare when I was growing up. All of us kids would be excited and hopeful that this year Santa would remember us, even though it was only one year that Santa "didn't remember where we lived": No tree. No presents. No turkey. You see, we were very poor when I was a small child. But in my little-girl-mind, Santa didn't forget us at all. I believed I was responsible. I believed, in part because of how often my mother told me I was a rotten and worthless kid, that I'd been bad and undeserving, and that meant I had caused my younger siblings to miss out on getting presents.

But even worse than the shame I carried for years over this, was the annual drunk my father would go on; and then the subsequent annual "argument" my parents would engage in: Dad hollering and chucking anything he could get his hands on; Mom sobbing uncontrollably and cowering in one of the kitchen corners. Furniture got busted up; coffee dripped from ceiling to floor; shards of glass littered the linoleum; holes plastered the kitchen walls. More than once he tossed the Christmas tree—decorations and all—out the front door, symbolizing his power and control over all of us. My mother was reduced to tears each and every Christmas. And each year, we kids counted down the hours to his predictably violent spree. If it didn't happen on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, it certainly would on Boxing Day. Our excitement was always eclipsed by trepidation.

But there came a point when I told myself that I would never again allow his violent binges to overshadow what I knew in my heart was supposed to be a loving and spiritual time. I was in my early teens when this revelation struck me; and I made a conscious effort from that point on to NEVER allow my father, or anyone else for that matter, to upset the true spirit of Christmas for me. I set new traditions. And I have kept to those traditions for all of my adult life. The holidays continue to be a wonderful time for me.

My words to you today, touched2mysoul...you can't change how you feel, but when you change how you think, you change how you feel. The enjoyment of Christmas is a choice, one you have to consciously make. The holidays are "draining" as you put it, because you believe they are draining and you act in a way that makes that script come to pass. Whatever happened in your past Christmas', they're over, they're in the past. You're 39 years old...isn't it time to create new traditions? You certainly deserve new traditions in your life.

Thank you for sharing more of your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 03, 2008
I'm listening.
by: scott

The Christmas holidays are awful.This is caused by the x-mas trauma repeated every year of my childhood.I can relate.I was the little prissy ,girly boy who cleaned our house.Note I didnt call it a home.If you are familiar with Johnny Cash music,I was called "the boy named Sue".It was constant.I was forced to clean the house,mainly me.My brother to this day refuses to pick up a broom,never will.I am quite the house keeper.It is actually a great skill to have.Anyway,the x-mas hollidays were STRESS. I cleaned the whole house spic n span.Father would spaz at Christmas time.He spazzed all the time anyway but us undeserving little babies dont need toys.Toys are for kids.I am not getting into that.If I did anything wrong I was slapped across the face or head.This man worked his whole life,he was strong.I would see stars.He would have me by the throat and slamming me into the wall,screaming his filth an inch from my face as I shit down my leg in fear and he slapped me more.His most memorable line was "you arent even worth the toilet paper I would have wasted if I had jerked off instead".But he impregnated my mom instead.I cant beleive Im writing this.We all walked on egg shells,ALL THE TIME.He had me paranoid.He said that he had people keeping an eye on us when we were out and about.People he knew and worked with.He always put on the FAKE SMILE in front of company or visiters.I seathed in anger.Outdoors punishments were me standing still while he kicks my ass with steel toed work boots,once the toe really hurt my anis,oh well.Kick after kick lifting me off of the ground.I used to fantasize about stabbing him in the back at meal time.He drove me insane,at 13 I was in a head shrinks office .Of coarse father went ahead of me to explain what was wrong with me.(sigh)That shut me up.I said nothing,could you imagine that getting back to him?I was filled with hate.I would kick anyone's ass.I became a danger.I would black out from rage during fights.The good old storred up school abuse didnt help.I was insane.I went around calling myself dummy,stupid,loser,piece of shit.Thats how I got the head shrink referal.I was just repeating what my nut case father said to me all the time.My older brother,middle child,was favored.He did things and got away with it.I ,for an experiment,did the exact same thing and got the living shit smacked out of me.The one I like was when my brother threatened to blow our fathers head off while he slept.I tried that a short time later got shit kickin for that.,well,you see where the head shrink came in.I didnt need a shrink,it was the f..king father of mine.Anyway he got sick and tried to mend his way.I, being human forgave the madman.You see all these years later I still have no Christmas spirit.That was when he was at his worst.I have bad nerves ,always,I had I.B.S.,still do some.Just too many people sends me to the washroom.Bad anxiety.Hate authority.Christmas was the worst.

Dec 03, 2008
RE:im listening Scott and response to Darlene
by: touched2mysoul

Scott, Your response was heartbreaking...your experience is one no child should experience. Thank you for responding and sharing such honesty in your writing... You too have been heard! You are in my thoughts and prayers especially during this month.... There is love in my heart for you...
Darlene,
Thank you again... you are right in what you say to create new experiences for the holiday but i still feel unnerved by the holiday... i didnt have a good representation of what xmas is supposed to be... I do something very small with my kids and have created something different for them than what others do for the holiday... we all play playstations, xbox, computer games... so for that week that they are off... we camp out in the living room set up several tvs... buy some new games and play and relax for the week... it may not be xmas with the tree and the trimmings .. but for them its their xmas! The holidays do drain... as i have to go outside myself to present to the rest of the world during this time a fake face of happyness and joy to try to fit in with the rest of the world. My negative memories from my childhood were compounded with the fact that my dad died around xmas as well. I am hoping to one day not feel this way about xmas ...your words show that it is possible to move forward to a more positive position for the holidays...i am moving ... slowly... but i am moving... thank you again and god bless for your wisdom to have created this space!

Dec 03, 2008
Im listening 2
by: scott

I think it is about forgivness.Father found out he was terminal and he changed.He became somewhat human.Kind of like a whole new person.The new father I had I didn't hate,I didn't want to kill.I broke down at the funeral,not because of greif,but due to the fact that it was finally over.What a ride.The nightmare man was over and I must live on.Many years later I quite booze,smoking dope.I quit cigarettes.I evaluated my life straight.Not even coffee or tea or sugar.I tried not to blame him for all my problems.I forgave.My sister cant beleive my story.She says "he must have gotten worse after I left". I have no forgivness for the teacher who punished me in school.I would like to sue her,if she's still alive.I dont have a face or name. I have learned to make my own good memories for x-mas.I know it can be done because I did it.Somewhere in our heart of hearts we must survive this,we were good kids,remember? Deep down I know im a good guy.I have to think like that or I wouldnt be alive. I can truely relate to your story.I wish you well in making your own good Christmas/life memories.

Dec 04, 2008
Thanks Darlene
by: Scott

My Christmas experiences were so much like yours,but less smashing.Everyone was often degraded to tears.You are right,thank you for your comment on the "making of your own good memories and traditions". Though the memory can still be,it doesnt define us. I have learned to make giving a big part of my traditions.Give without measure,expect nothing in return.After the little ones stop beleiving in Santa,Ill explain that he lives on through us.The spirit to give,to love,to cry from joy.I love to give. Those bad Christmas memories have grown so small because I took what I learned from them and grew a thousand times bigger.The trick is to learn to lift that dark cloud off.My family had no traditions.I made my own.

Dec 05, 2008
to scott
by: touched2mysoul

You are right we were good kids! ... thats such an important statement... one that all kids should hear while they are kids and not have to wait till they are our age to learn...

Thank you for reminding the kid in me of that... tis the season for giving and that statement gave me a lot... thanks

Dec 11, 2008
I am going through the same thing
by: Anonymous

I understand. I'm 13 and my mom expects me to clean the house every day. This year she told me that if i didn't i couldn't see my dad (divorced parents) or have a Christmas. So i completely understand.

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