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Sep 08, 2008
I completely understand...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Your mother's mental breakdown was not caused by you, TM. Mental illness does not work that way. Whatever mental problems your mother has had to deal with were there long before she learned of the sexual abuse your father inflicted upon you. You don't know what you don't know. You don't know what she grew up with. You don't know what emotional turmoil was already present in your mother before she learned of her husband's actions. You don't know if the sexual abuse that happened to you also may have happened to your mother at some time in her past. The fact that you told your sister and then your mother what your father was doing to you (and that both believed you) was a very good thing. And although the events that occurred after you told could easily have been the catalyst or trigger for your mother's eventual breakdown, they weren't the cause. You must let that go in the same way you've let go of feeling that the abuse was somehow your fault. You weren't to blame for EITHER.

I do understand the anger and hatred and hostility you still feel for your father. I do understand why you feel you can never forgive him for what he did to you. Just remember that forgiveness is not for him; it's for you. And remember that you never have to tell someone they're forgiven; forgiveness is a gift you do for yourself in order to let go of that anger and hatred and hostility. And when you are ready to let go of that anger and hatred and hostility, then you'll truly take back control of your life, without the burden of hate and hostility that your father's actions caused; but only when you're ready, TM, only when you're ready.

I'm glad that reading the stories on this site has helped you to feel less alone with yours. I also hope that you are in some form of counselling to help you deal with the emotional residue your childhood has caused you, in particular, trying to understand why you act in such promiscuous ways, why you don't feel you are worthy of a loving, nurturing and supportive relationship. Because you ARE worth that kind of relationship; and you are definitely worth the help to find and keep that kind of relationship. You were powerless as a child to stop what your father was doing, but as an adult you now have the power to make choices for yourself that are healthy and self-loving. But it starts with you.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir


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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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