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Jun 19, 2009
"Unravelling" is what will lead you to healing...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Tammy, what you experienced when your daughter was born was understandable. It was to be expected given what you grew up with. You were suddenly cast into a maternal role; and your maternal instinct to protect your daughter kicked into full gear. That was the trigger. You tried to suppress what you endured as a child and the accompanying effects. Then the memories kept trying to surface. You were desperate to push them down by controlling everything around you. But those memories of what your father did to you would not be silenced. And then there was the fear of the same for your daughter, so that fear led to more and more controlling behaviours. Of course your plot would unravel; it had to. There was no way to keep it tightly wound; nor was keeping it wound up tightly conducive to healing. I'm so proud of you for disclosing to your husband and brother; it took great courage.

I wouldn't expect your father to admit to anything. In fact, based on what you've shared, it seems your father has a pattern of setting himself up to be "everyone's favourite guy", while "setting you up" for abuse of one kind or another. He's done it again by taking out a restraining order. He's trying to tell the world that you're the one with the problem, that he's the victim here, and that he did nothing wrong. But you know better, Tammy. You know the truth of what he did. You know he's a child molester and child rapist. You know he's a danger to other young girls.

What's important to understand, Tammy, is that you can't allow the outcome of a criminal proceeding to determine the level of your own healing. I wrote about this in my comments to another contributor just yesterday, June 18th that you might find helpful: Comments to Rachael1 Parts 1 & 2.

I strongly recommend you seek out some form of counselling in order to help you deal with the repercussions of your past, as well as with what is happening in your present. The best gift you can give to your precious daughter is to take really good care of her mother. And that's the most loving gift you can give to yourself, Tammy. You didn't deserve to be sexually assaulted by the man who was in charge of keeping you safe from harm. You DO deserve help for the fact that you were.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jun 20, 2009
Self made males Self made Fathers
by: maurice

A high percent of Males should never get married or have children because they are so full of their own importance and self centered that they end up quite ignorant as to what living a NORMAL life with themselves or with others. Tammy your father was uneducated to be a Father maybe not in his own mind or as an individual. He probably was a highly intelligent man. Being a father of children takes on certain changes/responsibilities in one's life. Being a Father of a child is such a great natural concept of life that one has to change from being the old self, the hail fellow well meet with the mates and work with someone else to rear that child. Where abuse has occurred in the majority of homes I know through the years was where the Male was the dominant in the house over his wife and children. Thankfully I know also where the male accepted that it was in mutual love of each other and their children that happy homes were built and happy families existed. 75% 0f family life is powerful all over the world. Tammy all that you went through in your childhood and teenage years was not your Fault. Sadly all that happened to you made you feel so insecure that feeling secure in the ways you did were natural to you at the time. We all sure did find false security until we began to make a sense of it all and our lives. Abuse does very strange things to our natural instincts and feelings at that time because we don't know any better and we're not taught what is good and right. So Tammy don't blame yourself. Please do as Darlene suggests in all her loving words to you get some counselling. Love yourself, Darlene is one sure caring female emphatising as she has journeyed through alot of life as one who recovered fully with all the therapy and professional help she received and more than likely needed to reach her level now of professionalism in her advice and love of all her visitors. She loves you Tammy and has given you all that you need now to say I am a beautiful woman and I love me in the Mirror and I can accomplish anything I want for me in my life NOW. Go for it Tammy

Jul 23, 2009
6 Months After Disclosure
by: Anonymous

Hi there! thanks for your comments. Maurice, you are so right in saying that a percentage of men should never have children. Strange thing is i went through life TRULY believing that all little girls went through this and that most men do this to their kids. A part of me will always believe that, but the more people i talk to now,(survivors) i am realising that most fathers DO NOT do this. their perpetrators are normally friends, uncles, or stepfathers. That makes me a little bit more forgiving of the human race in general. I am in counselling, but feel ten times worse after i leave there most of the time. I think perhaps i have the wrong counsellor. she talks over me, makes me doubt myself. The outright denial and disbelief from family members is painful but also very confusing. there are moments where i totally wonder if i am insane and did create these memories. Is that normal???? Disclosing did not work out how i imagined it would at all. I am free of that monster but now dealing with many other issues! the sexual abuse is only a very very small part of it. Something i really dealt with by6 myself anyway. It was always done in a loving way, not threatening or anything like that. But that was part of the game i suppose. The conditional love of my father was always apparent, but i really hoped for more from my mum and brother. Crazy hey??? I always loved them and believed that they were all GOOD People. Even my dad. Sad hey? My mum has to know it is true. She has not spoken one word to me since i confronted them. I hate that she could doubt me when i was always so ethical and just. ANd i have never been a liar. My dad has them all twisted into believing that i have lost my mind due to the drug abuse. Unbelievable that he could hate me so much.

Jul 24, 2009
Don't Quit, Always believe in yourself
by: maurice

Tammy 1, good on you you're the best, Yes beginning counselling is always very painful at the start, but give yourself time making a sense of why you are doing it and what it is all about. I can guarantee once you make real sense of it for yourself each visit will make you more loving of YOU. Will give you inner strength and belief in yourself. Abuse only gives us very low self esteem by all the downgrading of us, the humiliation our abuser(S) put us through. We all need to built our self worth, self esteem ridding ourselves of the negative stuff that they put on us. Tammy 1. Think Positive, act positive and be positive when it comes to building up your self esteem, forgive my vulgarity put Pee or poo away the negative stuff your abuser heaped on you. Slowly but definitely very surely you will begin to say I love me, I'm special and I am the most important person in this whole wide world now. Wonderful and beautiful in the mirror, go on give yourself one big hug and say I love me. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Hi, I am sure you have one/two very close friends who know you intimately as you have shared your gut feelings with. Let them help you, have courage but stick with the counselling. Don't Quit. when we find ourselves seemingly at the lowest ebb the only way back is up. OK smile awhile with Maurice. all of us who wrote comments to you Tammy 1 love you and care alot about you.

Aug 14, 2009
Response to M :)
by: Tammy

thanks very much for your kind words. I feel as though i have a pretty good handle on things now. Im not hurting at their lack of love for me as much anymore. I know i gave them all i could, i was a great daughter and sister. i fought to keep that unit together for as long as possible, yet i was the only one who knew the truth of what the foundations of our family were built upon. I feel like im the only person in the world who truly knows and sees my father for what he is. Im stronger than all of them adn i have my life and family. As for the counselling, i really believe another counsellor is the way to go. i leave their feeling awful. She dashes any hopes i have to shreds, she talks over me about her experiences and cuts me down. i asked for help with my struggle with recreational drugs as i need to help to stop depending on that feeling...she told me just to stop! okay then no worries hahah...anyway thanks xxx

Oct 18, 2009
I believe in you! You are amazing
by: Robyn - USA

You have made a huge step in disclosing here ~ bless you for that! YOu are a unique and wonderful woman & hope in the future. It is wide open to you. I hate what you suffered and I hate that you have to ever remember any of it. Plesae know that I think good thoughts for you, I wish only happiness here out for you. I amsending you a HUGE hug hrough the computer as I write! xoxo Keep looking to the hope of the future. BE THE BEST mum you can be to your child (or children) The choice is yours to be the best you can be. Don't let the chains of others sins and crimes against you bond you away from all that you want to live and enjoy. Renew your mind daily, BELIEVE in yourself, don't let past guilts, hurts keep you from YOUR personal best!! YOU DESERVE THE BEST! Take care!!

Oct 25, 2009
Memories
by: Kay0382

When I read your story...it brought back some crazy stuff for me when I had children. Two. I was protect of them and promise myself that would never happen to my children. Living in fear, being abuse, being rape, beatings and control. When I was 16 I got brave enough to tell someone, foster home-very lucky. Married at 19...single at 30. But it was my fault it ended. Had great in-laws--still miss them. They helped me alot, things I did not know. Had kids @26. My kids...the feelings and love you feel for them. how can anyone treat them the way those monters treated us. Never a thought has ever cross my mind to treat my children that way. I would kill for them. That love...for them. I did my best and made alot of mistakes but they turn our Great. Both are in there 20's and just got married, and doing great. I've gotten a greanddaughter on the 31, 2009. So I guess with all my craziness in my life as a child " I" broke the cycle for my kids. Thank god! the point is I know what you are going through. Only we can change the cycle of our life and broke the path that was started for us as children. We will broke or become fighters...that will make us weak or strong. I...myself did not want that monster to win and take my all of me. He did not win...didnot broken me and win. I'm not a druger or drinker and I AM NOT A CHILD ABUSER !!! He did NOT win. He can burn in Hell all I care.LOL

Oct 27, 2009
A mother to a Mother words of LOVE and enpowerment
by: maurice

Tammy 1 Kaye0382 ''WoW'' you lucky mam. her words to you in her comment are so loving, so caring, so mother. They can but only give you hope and strength. She sure expressed her heart feelings back to you. A mothers love is a blessing especially when you get a mother who was abused giving you empowering words. I was the winner for my children. He, my abuser was not. Oh Tammy1 my heart goes out to you in you doubts and fears but reading these words of Kaye0832 I sense great hope and love for you and your children. Darlene oh yes a true blue caring professional woman but first a truly human woman who worked through her own abuse now to be the guiding light of support and help to all her visitors. She too shows you true love of a woman to a woman a friend really who cares. Tammy 1 at 63 years of age I can value the love that each comment to you is for you. I know you are a good mother. You be the winner in your own right for your child now. I can, I will, I must, How is that mirror image working out,??? Always believe in yourself.

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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