Comments for Child Abuse Story From Scott1 Part 3

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Dec 12, 2008
 An important boundary...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Your questions are valid, Scott; and I've answered each of them in various places on this site: in articles, as well as in the hundreds of comments I've left for story contributors, too many to point you to, I'm sorry to say.

You'll notice I've edited your story a fair bit. While I appreciate that in order to heal and recover from the physical and emotional abuse you both dealt with directly and witnessed being doled out to others, I must keep a balance between my visitors' need to be heard and the line of where disclosure crosses into fetish or into what has the appearance of fetish. I respectfully ask that you keep that line in mind, Scott, because I cannot allow my site to turn into what could so easily be interpreted as a fetishism site cloaked in child abuse story; the integrity of what it is I'm trying to do here is too important to me. I am not stifling you. I am asking you to be cognizant of this "boundary". I trust you understand the very difficult position I am in with regard to this issue.

You are a valuable and insightful contributor to this site, Scott. I've seen that in your thoughtful comments. You have provided a great deal of support and encouragement to many others here; rest assured, that fact has not gone unnoticed. I do hope you will continue to be a support to others, and they in turn will continue to be a support to you.

Thank you for sharing more of your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Dec 12, 2008
 comes out wrong.
by: scott

Hi Darlene.Im having this habit of writing of my experiences on here and finding that I become a bit angry.How can I explain this?...As I wring these memories from the suppressed little cobwebs in which they lie ,I do experience anger.The more I write,at times,the angrier I get,at times,and the more detail I remember and that gets blurted out in my rush.My rush to make sure that this world hears the truth.Sometimes in my head as I write im yelling.Perhaps in my haste I tell too much detail.The truth is I write it as it comes pouring out.Un-editted.I do not embellish.I will not embellish and I will not lie.I want to make sure I get it right.If I were to die tomorrow,I could be happy with the thought that I got this down right.Thank you for giving me a place to "unload".Im sorry if it comes out inappropriate.I understand you have to edit.If I ask questions,im not really always looking for the answer.You have already answered so much.I dont mean for you to comment everytime.Please dont get angry at me for the way I write.My spelling isnt the best.I really am trying to tell it like it is.If I mess up again,please let me know.Ill try harder.Thanks Scott
Dec 13, 2008
 Part 1: In reply to "comes out wrong"
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Scott, I'm not even close to being angry, so please relax about that.

I see three issues here; albeit, there is a crossover with all three. The first relates to unedited submissions. The second with personal writing style. The third to what I was dealing with in my comments: the appearance of fetish masked in a child abuse story.

Scott, I seldom get a submission that is a "clean copy". More and more, I'm getting submissions that are in IM-speak (Internet Messaging), usually from youth who think it's fun to use letter combinations instead of actual words, no punctuation, no caps, no real sentence structure. Extremely challenging to read. Depending on the length of the story, it can take upwards of an hour per post to edit so that my visitors can easily read and comprehend the story.

The reason I continue to accept even poorly written material (and I'm not saying that yours is poorly written) is that I understand the process. I understand that in many cases, posting their story on my site is the first time they've ever disclosed, in part because this is the first time they've felt safe enough to disclose. I understand that many have read dozens, even hundreds, of stories on my site, and now that they see others have suffered as they have suffered, they are compelled to write their own stories.

I also understand from personal experience that in order to get the story out, child abuse survivors must turn off their internal editors; otherwise, they risk editing out the parts that are most important to relay, the emotional parts that are by far the most difficult to relay. Even worse, they start second guessing about what is and isn't real, or they re-read what they wrote and are filled with shame and guilt and embarrassment over their expression of emotion. And when this happens, the story gets "deleted" by their own hand. I understand how important it is to write without editing and then to send it off in order to make sure the true story and feelings get out.

I've had discussions with other webmasters about the issue of not accepting material that isn't a "clean copy" or near to clean copy. I believe that setting a higher standard for spelling, grammar and punctuation is a worthy cause, both for those submitting contributions and for the webmaster who must do the editing, but it cannot be at the expense of disclosure of abuse. The exception to this is when a line is either crossed or appears to have been crossed that would affect the integrity of this site and what I am doing with it. Of course, my position on this "higher standard" may have to change as the number of submissions continue to increase each and every day.

See Part 2 below...

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Dec 13, 2008
 Part 2: In reply to "comes out wrong"
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Before I wrote my first comment to Part 3 of your story, Scott, I thought very carefully about how to word it. I wanted you to know that my visitors and I very much value your comments on this site. I didn't want to risk loosing that element of your contribution here. I decided honesty was the best policy. I needed you to see that your story appeared to have the gratuitous use of words and phrases (spanking, bare bottom spanking, etc.) that could be interpreted as more a description of fetish than that of abuse; and that I had removed many of those references before approving the story.

There's a fine line here, I realize that; one that is difficult to apply black and white rules to. I believe the answer lies not in my application of rules, Scott, but more in my visitors' ability to appreciate that a boundary does exists, especially as it relates to spanking. This was the main issue I wanted you to understand.

If my first paragraph came out as harsh, my apologies. That was not my intent. I do realize that your style of writing is to ask questions in a way that is intended to show the crazy-making aspect of what you dealt with. I just wanted to make sure you knew that answering such a multitude of questions wasn't possible. So by all means, keep "asking questions" when you submit your stories. Not only will they help you to further question what is and isn't right, such questions may prompt others to question as well. And if we have any hope of even scratching the surface of the worldwide epidemic that is child abuse, we must ALL question what is and isn't right, and then further question why it is that children do not have rights.

I hope this helps clear up any misunderstandings.

Just one more point I'll mention here, Scott. Due to the overwhelming number of submissions I am now getting, I've reluctantly had to incorporate a policy whereby I offer comments only on the first story submission. My lack of reply on any subsequent story submissions is an issue of personal time constraints, and is not intended as a slight or invalidation of any kind.

Keep writing, Scott. You obviously find it cathartic; and that catharsis is important for your healing and recovery.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Dec 26, 2008
 fetish masked as child abuse story response.
by: Scott Canada

Hi Darlene,I thought I would add a little something.The use of words,like when I put my name up there and where I am from is a choice I made clear from the start.I wanted to stomp my foot and be heard,angrilly I might add.Why should I give my abusers my name.I wont let them take that from me.I wanted to be heard and counted,for once in my life.I also wanted to show anyone who might read this that in good old docile,civilized Canada that generations of us were beaten and abused in school.Maybe someone else would contribute a story relative to mine.You added your story and that helped me feel not so alone.Maybe a retired school teacher might wonder through and explain their point of veiw.I would love to hear an apology.I would love to hear someone justify what they did to us.It would be entertaining. All jokes aside,I write today to explain the choice of words. I began to write and realize soon that my descriptions of abuse sound more like pornography.Using the (adult)/slang words to desribe acts and body parts."beat my ass" for instance. I would edit and rewrite using anatomically,clinical words sounding like a trip to the doctors office."buttocks" for instance..so that leaves me the other words. I have read opinions on the use of these words.Some say using these (cute) words,(cartoon)words,like spank and bum,only minimizes child abuse. I choose words I would have used when I was a child.Safe words that dont offend. It connects to the events of my childhood.Back then if I talked about it,it was these words I used.The adult/slang would get your mouth washed out with soap. I try not to over use them. Gratuitously. Thanks.
Jan 04, 2009
 Regarding your most recent post...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Scott, I just now received a "Mail Delivery Failure" on the email address you included with your recent post; it seems it was one letter out. Since I'm not permitted to contact you directly through emails, I decided to let you know here, in hopes you would read it.

Since the email was incorrectly typed in, you've not received the automatic notification to say that your contribution was accepted and now appears live on my site. Since you were so kind to write me such a gracious thank you, and just in case you aren't aware that it IS live on my site, I thought I'd post the URL for you here so that you can go directly to it. You'll find it, along with my comments, at https://www.child-abuse-effects.com/from-canadas-eastern-shore-thank-you-darlene.html

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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