Comments for Child Abuse Story From Scott1 Part 2

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Oct 05, 2008
Not only was it extremely common, it was encouraged...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Scott, I'm 50 years old and I, like you, grew up in Canada. When I was a young child in school, the teachers were permitted to—and did with great regularity—paddle, strap and open-hand spank children in front of the whole class, sometimes with pants on, many times not. The practice was finally banned in British Columbia when I reached grade 9. The emotional repercussions were devastating to these children. One young boy I went to school with died of an overdose shortly after he was brutally paddled by our grade-6 teacher in front of all of us. Yes, this boy was troubled; beaten at home by his father. But I always wondered if the brutality of that male teacher had something to do with this boy's demise. The effect this incident had on each of us in that class was life-altering. So you see Scott, you are most definitely not alone.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Oct 05, 2008
About spanking
by: Linda Settles

Words. Every word has so many meanings--and even the definitions ascribed to them by Daniel Webster is not definitive--because our expressions, our body language, and our inflections help our hearers interpret the meaning behind the word.

Spanking. To some of the readers on this site, the word is associated with abuse, extreme abuse. It brings to mind pain, humiliation, helplessness, and turmoil. Spanking is abusive--it is evil--by this definition.

I admit (freely) that when my children were young, I spanked them. We had a wooden spoon, which I painted a lovely shade of blue and then wrote in black marker, Spanking Spoon. When one of the girls deliberately misbehaved, I sat down and talked to them, explaining the reason for the spanking, and then had them been bend over the bed where (with them fully clothed) I gave the the approriate number of spats to fit the offense. Always, after the spanking they wanted to be comforted, and I held them and told them I love them.

They are now twenty years old and 17 (respectively). We have a strong, loving, relationship and they will tell you that they appreciate the spankings they received because it truly was a form of discipline--not punishment. They know that when I told them "This hurts me more than it hurts you" my words were true. I tell them now, "Our children carry our heart around with them." Nothing can make me as happy or as sad as knowing that my children are doing well--or not. It is the same for my husband.

So for you, Scott, and all the other surivors who may read this post, I want to say I am sorry that parents and other authority figures (such as teachers) sometimes abuse their power and use "spanking" to damage helpless children. My heart aches for what you and others have gone through. It was abusive and inexcusible.

I just wanted you to know, that not all parents use spanking in abusive ways. As I said--words--they can mean so many things.

Oct 06, 2008
school spanking in need of privacy.
by: scott

In my earlier writings I wrote that I came from a non spanking family.Thats not true.Its not that I lied,its more that I didnt see home punishments worthy of mention.On a family vacation through New Brunswick us 3 kids were fighting.Dad was one of those reach over the back of the seat kinda people.Enough is enough though and he pulled over on the side of the road and we all got it on our pants.My brother and my sister.I may have been 4 or 5,the baby.That doesnt bother me one bit.At home it was a fly swatter.They used the steel wire end.OWCH!only in underwear if we were in bed as we kicked and squirmed and it landed everywhere.So parental spanking to me wasnt worth mentioning.There were no rituals or positions.As the earlier comment read,it was just home punishment.NON ABUSIVE.The thing at my house was the mental abuse.Being called stupid and dummy and boy named sue.I look back now with a grin.Though none of us kids would tell father anything.No conversation.Too bad because I think he had alot to teach but blew it.So my point is that in school it was different.There was posioning and ritual.And its not that I am at all against being spanked in school,only that she had the courtesy to do in private.It wasnt the spanking that bothered me so much.Although I could have done without. I feel there was no place in that classroom for sadism. thanks for giving me a place to vent.

Oct 06, 2008
I do not agree...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Until we question violence of ALL kinds, including the use of spanking for disciplining children—the smallest and most helpless of those in society—we condemn our society to more violence. Like it or not, violence begets more violence, whether that be emotionally or physically. When we give ourselves permission to spank a child, we teach that child a whole lot more than just the lesson we intend. It's easy to raise a hand; much more difficult NOT to.

As a violence and abuse prevention educator, I ask that you please not turn this thread, or any other on this site, into one that promotes violence toward children, even if you do believe in the use of spanking children for discipline. I cannot make anyone believe as I do, I cannot make anyone question their position on spanking children, but I do have the right to delete posts that promote violence. I trust you understand my position on this.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Oct 07, 2008
Inappropriate
by: Richard

This circumstance is completely inappropriate. For anyone other than a parent to spank a child is completely unacceptable.

Oct 09, 2008
I agree with Richard..
by: Linda Settles

No one, except a parent should spank a child. To take that a bit further, many parents call their behavior "spanking" when it is actually abuse.

What are the defining differences? A good question, considering that every child thinks that what is happening in his or her home is what happens everywhere--at least at first. Normal is defined by our own experience when we are children.

I want to say, first of all, that spanking is one of those behaviors that fits under the axiom: When in doubt--DON'T.

That being said, please allow me to note some differences between what I consider appropriate "spanking" and abuse masquerading under the term "spanking"

#1. If a parent is enraged, any physical action taken toward a child may be abusive because a parent's right (and resonsibility) to discipline a child is linked to the well-being of the child. How can an enraged person consider the well-being of the child while he/she is in a fit of rage?

#2. If a parent disciplines a child in retaliation, he/she is being a bully.

#3. If the parent is hostile toward the child at the moment (no matter how much he/she may love her child) the parent is being overbearing if he/she spanks the child while in this attitude.
The child will not perceive the action as loving correction, but as punishment. Discipline (not always spanking) is necessary for good parenting--punishment is never appropriate in the parent/child relationship.

#4. The purpose of discipline is to bring about a heart change in the child (disobedience versus obendience because the child learns to do what is right.)Behavorial studies have proven that the combination of rewards (positive for good behavior and negative for bad behavior) are more effective than either one by itself. The younger the child, the more immediate (NOT THE MORE HARSH) the resonse needs to be. Gentleness, sensitivity,and appropriateness to the deed are three major compontent of effective discipline.

#5. Every action of discipline should be reinforced with a loving attitude.

Children should always be sheltered from violence. They should not see it (on tv or by modeling), they should not hear about it (even on the news--at young ages), and they should NEVER experience it.

I hope this helps to clarify my earlier post.

Love to all,
Linda

Note from Darlene: Linda, I sincerely appreciate your clarification. You are one in a million with your moderate viewpoint on this issue; and I applaud you for that. There was a time I would have agreed with you, but no longer; not since I questioned what spanking really is. Regardless of how it is approached, even in loving correction, spanking is hitting, and hitting is violence. Discipline: absolutely, without question a parent's responsibility; but never with violence.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 04, 2008
wrong click
by: scott

Sorry about that but I believe I clicked on the (UN-SUBSCRIBE) spot while checking my mail.I get confused with this computer stuff. I would still like to receive notice of new stories in my E-Mail. Sorry for the mix up. Thanks.

Dec 07, 2008
thanks
by: scott

Thanks for all your support

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