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Apr 21, 2009
Part 1: Child sex offenders...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Ruthanne, writing your story here, finally disclosing what happened to you and the resulting repercussions are among the first steps toward healing. You were sexually assaulted by a man you should have been able to trust, a man your mother trusted to care for you. And if that wasn't bad enough, he brainwashed you into believing lies about that sexual assault and loving fathers. He took advantage of your youth, your naiveté, and of your personal home situation in order to ensure his sick desires were satisfied, and in order to ensure you stayed silent.

Ruthanne, whether or not others comment here, what you described is commonplace among child sex offenders; it is how they typically operate and how they get the child to keep the secret. Whether or not others who have experienced something similar comment here, you are definitely not alone. I point you toward my sex offender page on this site to read more about how sex offenders conduct themselves. I believe you'll feel less alone after reading what's on that page.

The repercussions you now face, the emotional turmoil you are now experiencing are also not uncommon under the circumstances. And add to that, the fact that the one person you turned to for help—your mother—cannot or will not discuss the matter with you, has left you feeling more abandoned and betrayed than ever. It comes as no surprise that you zone out and/or find yourself transported back to that time. It comes as no surprise that you turned to sex for comfort; after all, it was familiar. But now that you recognize it for what it is, you can change the patterns. We can't change what we don't acknowledge.

See Part 2: Healing... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 21, 2009
Part 2: Healing...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You need a support system in order to help you heal, Ruthanne. You need people to talk to about what you experienced and how you are now going through the effects of it all. Friends can be helpful, but the proper professional really is in a better position to offer help sorting through the emotional residue. The inability to afford such help does leave you to your own devices. I have always found that knowledge is power. The more we know and understand, the more we are able to deal with whatever happens around us.

I suggest you read through the various stories on this site, and read the comments below those stories. There is much offered among the comments. And while you're reading, keep reminding yourself that you are now safe. That this man can no longer harm you. Keep reminding yourself that none of what happened was your fault, because it wasn't your fault, Ruthanne. The blame lies squarely with that sick child sex offender. You have NO responsibility in it whatsoever. Any choices you made as a child were tainted by what this man did to you. You cannot hold yourself responsible for ANY OF IT. The decisions you make in your life NOW are the imperative ones.

I suggest your next step along the path toward healing is to give yourself a break. Stop judging yourself for your reactions. When the emotions strike, take some deep breaths and focus on what those emotions actually feel like. It has been my experience that the real problems crop up when we try to circumvent those emotions. But when we allow ourselves to feel them in the moment, they are more likely to dissipate. During such times, keep telling yourself, "I'm safe. He can no longer hurt me." Because he can't, Ruthanne, he can't hurt you any more.

You are a survivor...don't ever lose sight of that. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 21, 2009
We are alike
by: Scott Canada

I suffered from weird little zone outs too.Often coming to and finding myself in the middle of a fight.Don'T know where I went.Rage!Certain words like spank,bum,belt,and the slang sexual versions of those words too,would cause problems. I could freeze just listening to others talk freely using these terms.All my own secret little hell given to me by my teacher when I was 8.It would make me want to wither up into a tiny corner under my rock and just disappear.I still suffer from some of those things. I cant afford therapy so I at least had this place to tell my story. One thing for sure with me though....pretending it didnt happen can make you sick and crazy.I look at children in school today and they don't have a clue what I endured.Like I wrote ,I'm so grateful that Darlene gave me a place to tell my secrets.I wish you all the best Ruthanne and much healing.Feel free to write more...it helps to tell.I'm 44 and THANK GOODNESS I had this place to tell it.

Apr 22, 2009
Reaching Darlene's site is a blessing and a new beginning for you
by: Maurice

Ruthanne, Until I did what you have done now accept and admit it was abuse. It was not your fault, no blame on you. Ruthanne it is great you found the inner strength to actually sit and relate what happened to you. Darlene in her comment and words said to you in total understanding and knowledge of how Abusers do what they do to the innocent mind and body. She has directed you to read child sex offender. Do Ruthanne at your age it will give you new thinking on the child sex offender. subtly the sex offender pawn off their wrong doing on their innocent victim without they knowing they are being abused. Ruthanne nearly all child/teenager/adolecent abusers live their lives in self denial that they abused. Until like you and me they seek professional help they will never admit the awfulness of what they did to you and me. You, me and Scott like many others are haunted by what happened to us untill we admit it was not our fault or my fault. You have begun the healing process for you to do that at 20, I was 33 when I began my healing process. by you having the courage to tell Darlene and her many other visitors you now can begin to LOVE yourself for who you are. You are beautiful, You are precious, you are special, I'M SPECIAL. begin to make a real sense of that for yourself Ruthanne. Let go of all the inbuilt false notions (but real) that it was your fault. It was not Ruthanne. You were used and abused by this very sick individual human being. He knew what he was doing to you for his own personal gratification. Ruthanne, heed Darlene, she knows, she walked through abuse too and now professionaly knows what it is and how to cope with it. She's your Angel, She wants you to be very sure It was not your fault. She wants you to really trust a friend or friends to walk and talk with about how beautiful you really are Now. By sharing intimately with your Friend, what was done to you by this Sicko Adult Male. they will caress you, hug you, easing away the effects of what he did to you. I don't believe the real effects will ever be totally erased. By talking and living your life to the full the effects fade away and you when you let go of them. Both in your mind and Body. clearing you mind of the awfulness of what happened to you may need you getting professional help. Think about it ruthanne.

Apr 25, 2009
Thank you so much everyone...
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much everyone... It's been truely hard to talk about all of this, but the wonderful responses from everyone have made it a lot easier. I can happily say that in the last week or so i have tried what was suggested, let myself be myself and anaylyze why i am the way i am. It's felt so good not to beat myself up left and right for my behavior, and my greatest support, my boyfriend and the first person i told, has done nothing but help. He's been here to hold my hand, cuddle me when i cry and make me feel safe. I hope to keep coming to this site so i can read of other peoples stories, and one day i hope to post a story in the healers section! I suppose i will keep everyone posted just because it feels good to get it off my chest, now that it's not all a secret it no longer feels as tho it is suffocationg me. Thanks again everyone!

Apr 25, 2009
To Ruthanne:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm so glad that sharing here on this site has been helpful to you, Ruthanne, and that the comments that other visitors offered are so warmly appreciated. I have no doubt that you will come through all this stronger and more resilient than you've ever been. Thank you for the update. Keep your head held high; you are a survivor!

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 26, 2009
Nice one, good to know visitors comments with Darlene's are valued by the receiver
by: Maurice

Ruthanne You have given me hope to continue writing comments to great and wonderful human beings. All visitor to Darlene's site. She is a good webmaster. It is a safe place to visit and relate our abuse and it's effect on our lives even still after all the years. What it is for me is that I get great hope from the comments made. Like you Ruthanne only I can help myself now. With a little help from my nearest and dearest friends. who love me for who I am. Now I feel that Love coming from all Darlen's visitors too. Always believe in yourself Ruthanne. Say I love me because I am beautiful. Not what others have done to make me feel otherwise especially in my abuse years. Keep letting go those traumatic memories and fill them with love of yourself Ruthanne.

May 28, 2009
More healing, it feels great!
by: Ruthanne

Wow... just, wow... since i was so wonderfully supported and accepted here i have gone on to begin doing research into how other young girls dealt with abuse. I have recognized my dissasociation for what it is and have not only embraced it, but as a result i have begun to heal on my own with out even knowing it! Again i have my amazing amazing boyfriend to thank for so much of his help. But i feel so... FREE!! In all honesty i have begun smiling and allowing myself to live in ways i never have before, it is liberating. Thanks again so so so so much to every one!!! I may still be a work in progress but i'm one that is eagerly moving forward one step at a time!

From Darlene: FANTASTIC news, Ruthanne! I knew you had it in you. Thank you so much for coming back here and giving my visitors and me an update. You are an inspiration.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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