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Apr 15, 2008
Emotional abuse leaves much deeper scars than any other form of abuse...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Robert, this woman took too much pleasure in what she was doing to call it "discipline." What she did was intentionally terrorize, traumatize and debase you. Her actions were contemptible.

And to pit your peers against you and teach them to further humiliate you and laugh at you was nothing short of despicable. Although it wouldn't have appeared to be the case at the time, they too were terrorized and traumatized by what they witnessed. As children, they could not—they cannot—be held accountable for what they were instructed to do by this heartless woman. But she should have been held accountable. The emotional consequences from such maltreatment at the hands of someone so cruel and warped are devastating. She should have been imprisoned for her perverse take on what some call a form of age regression therapy; a therapy that even when applied with the assistance of trained psychiatric professionals, is highly controversial and therefore, not supported by many in the field.

When an adult puts an older child in diapers for their own sexual gratification as a form of "age play," and hides behind the guise of discipline, although very difficult to prove, it is sexual abuse. I cannot say whether or not this woman gleaned any sexual pleasure from placing you in diapers in this way, Robert, but as sickening as it is to contemplate, it is possible.

There is evidence that what has been termed "diaper discipline" can leave a child with sexual imprinting, that is to say, both as a child and as an adult, the person becomes sexually aroused at the thought of or actual wearing of diapers.

Two topic areas I refer you to...my comments on this site regarding:

  • Diaper discipline dated Jan 30, 2008.

  • Some theories... dated Feb 14, 2008 to the query: A question about involuntary sexual arousal.


  • Thank you for sharing your story, Robert, and for the message to parents. I know that many of my visitors will be helped by reading it. I only hope that there was some catharsis for you in writing it.

    Darlene Barriere
    Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
    Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

    Apr 15, 2008
    How Could She?!
    by: Francine

    Robert, that so-called foster mother of yours is a sadistic pervert! You might want to try counselling. I'm so sorry!

    Apr 16, 2008
    Thank You
    by: Robert P.

    Thank you for sharing my story so others may learn from it. Your reply brought tears to my eyes as you seem to understand the pain my experiences caused me. You are so right in that these 'disciplines' did damage my sexualality. I'm adding the second half of my life so that your readers can see how child abuse affects not only the child but his/her whole life.

    I finally left foster care at eleven and stayed with my mother. One evening as I was walking home I happened to look up a hill and caught sight of several diapers on a clothesline. I was emmediately sexually stimulated. I felt compelled to steal some of them though scared I must be crazy. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop myself.

    The diapers soon became a regular source of sexual pleasure. Each time I pinned them on, I envisioned that woman forcing this shame on me and I found it strangely exciting. I lived with this secret shame until I entered the military. With opportunity removed I thought I was finally cured. I met a girl who was pregnant and alone. I could only think of the child growing up in foster care as I was.

    Without really knowing the girl, I offered to marry her, thinking this feeling of compassion was love. Though not attracted to me, she accepted out of despair. As soon as the baby arrived, she became cold and I felt it was because I was not worthy of love. With all the baby diapers around, I again turned to them for comfort. Several years later, I told her out of guilt and offered to go for counseling.

    We were told it was a compulsive, addictive disorder and since it was harmeless, just enjoy it. Though this eased her worries, it didn't mine. By our eleventh year, we were more like roommates than married plus we now had two children.

    Then it happened, she had an affair with a boy half her age. We were soon in counseling. That's when I found out she was a prostitute before I met her. All I could think of now was how stupid I was having brought another child into this.

    She agreed to stay but my respect for her was gone. Over time I withdraw until my fetishes became my only satisfaction. We've been married 43 years now and I am about to retire. My children are on their own and doing well. My wife and I havn't slept together for over twenty years but she doesn't seem to mind. For me, I still have my fetishes for comfort though I often feel very alone and depressed. Looking over my life, I feel I wasted it because of very bad choices. Choices driven by my desperation to feel safe and loved.

    My humiliations as a child affected all that I am. I can only pray God sees fit to forgive me my failings and that the after life is without the pains I still feel. Please! Please think about what you do with children. They are but clay to be molded by your hands. Protect their innocents and cherish the miracle they truely are. Thank you so much for reading my story. I hope it saves a child's whole life somewhere.

    Apr 17, 2008
    Threats
    by: Hayley

    When I was a young kid in first school, I was too scared and embarrassed to ask the teacher if I could go to the toilet. I was so scared that I wound up wetting myself and invariably got a beating when I got home - well I got it bad when I was 8 and 9, but the other three years wasn't so bad. My mum used to slap hell out of me, and call me some terrible names. She also threatened to make me stand up in front of the kids in first year with rubber pants and a nappy on for them to laugh at me. On one occasion I was made to repeat all the horrible things she called me. she knew that threatening me not to pee myself would make me do it any way.

    At the age you did what you did Robert, you probably thought it was okay. When you wet yourself at school, sh*t happens, you probably weren't the only kid who did that year, you won't be the first and you won't be the last. What those two women did were disgusting and totally wrong. Get counselling for everything, and good luck

    Apr 17, 2008
    Reply to Francine
    by: Robert P.

    Thank you for your concerns. I have gone for counseling many times over many years but the compulsion to relive those humiliating events have never lessoned as weird as that sounds. I was told it is wired into my phychi and very few ever get over it.

    There was limited space for my story so I had to keep it as short as possible. Because I had gone into disassociation I don't remember much about the other times but I can remember bits. What I described was like running videos but the other memories are like snap shots.

    I went back to confront that woman several years later when I was in the military but was told she had died. I still don't know what I thought to do if she had been there. I guess to get some answer as to why she did this to me.

    I am as happy as possible now and am 65 years old so I guess that makes me a survivor though I don't really feel like one. To me, she is still hanging over me with that pleased smile. Maybe that is what I actually want since I deliberately keep it alive. I do often wish I was 'normal' like other men though.

    God Bless you for replying and having sincere feelings for my plight. I don't know what has happened to you but I will look and see if your story is posted. What ever it is, my heart goes out to you wishing I could have been there to protect you. Super Hugs from my heart to yours.

    Apr 17, 2008
    Reply to Hayley
    by: Robert P.

    Thank you for your reply. I'm really sorry to hear you went through similar experiences with diaper discipline. For years I thought I was the only one but now know there are many others. Unlike yourself, I was never hit or slapped though I did get spankings.

    There were two errors in your reply I'd like to clarify. First there was only one woman that did this to me though her daughter took part in getting the diapers when told. The other one was I did not think it was ok to wet myself when at school age. I just had an accident trying to get home and was really scared cause I knew it was wrong. I don't remember any other children wetting themselves at school though I guess it might have happened.

    As for counseling, I have had many sessions over many years but without any real help in getting over my fetishes. My story was kept short for space but there were many other factors that effected my life. For one, my mother was never close to me nor hugged me. I felt I was not wanted by her and cried myself to sleep feeling alone. She often said she had wished for a girl which made me think if I had been a girl I wouldn't have been sent to foster care.

    Being illegitament was really looked down upon back in the 40's and 50's and so I was shunded by my relatives as well. I remember one Christmas an Uncle lined us children up so he could give each a quarter as a gift. When he reached me he said, "Bastard children don't get one." I was devastated to say the least.

    Life is hard but somehow most of us survive. I do hope your life has turned out better than mine but if not, at least I hope you have found some happiness in it. Again thank you for writing and God Bless and protect you.

    Apr 19, 2008
    Misinterpretations
    by: Hayley

    Hi Robert, sorry about my reply, I'll try again and hope I manage to put it across a whole lot better. I get the fact that you didn't think it was ok to wet your self when you were at school, I was actually referring to the time when you had a pee in the garden and got caught by the other kids. Even though it turned out to be the wrong thing to do, it seems like a bit petty to do that to you. As for the kids wetting themselves at school, they hardly wanted it broad cast. What those people did to you, the nappies, and everything that you were subjected to was totally the wrong way to go about it. What happened to you makes me wonder if I really was that hard done by getting walloped by my mom, even though it hurt like hell and she screamed at me really loud for it. Being made to repeat the hurtful things she called me was pretty bad, and when I got told some of them again and again, I started to believe them.

    Apologies again for my bad interpretation


    Apr 19, 2008
    Reply to Hayley
    by: Robert P.

    Please don't think I was upset at you. I just wanted to make sure it was understood that I did,'t think it was alright to wet behind a tree. I knew it wasn't right but also that it was not that bad either.

    Because the woman put me through such hell, I'm sure that my wetting outdoors was just an excuse for her to fullfill her own desires. Though I only told of two abuses a year apart, I have fragmented memories of this form of discipline being done to me at other times as well. I can't remember them well enough to give details and so I left what I do remember out of my story. I think because I had become disassociated with my world, it may explain why my memory fails me.

    What I do remember are just small parts of other times I was punished. I can remember having to wear diapers under my regular clothes to go to school once. I can also remember being put in the baby's play pen with the baby and told to play nice.

    Anyway, I want you to know I appreciated you replying and I was really upset to hear what you went through. Don't know what is worst as I was never beaten or screamed at. The woman was always calm and very stern in her actions. We kids never dared challenge her. I do hope you are doing better now and pray your life turns out better than mine. God Bless you and keep you safe.

    Apr 21, 2008
    No worries
    by: Hayley

    just as the title says robert, no worries. I have now got a great job and it's the first since I got run over nearly 9 years ago where I haven't been bullied. I get played up a lot, but it's great. Being screamed at and walloped is pretty humiliating. Once it happened when I was really young and I had my pants pulled down in the street. I was about 3 at the time and thought it was normal but I still cried. It hurt my poor bottom like hell though! I've developed a strange sense of humour now, somewhat crude admittedly which as I have restarted to write an autobiography, and as it is probably going to be somewhat grim, I want to put some humour in. thank goodness I have had some funny things happen to me in my time.

    Hang on in there. If you were really that desperate you had to pee up a tree, so be it, even grown men do things like that. That woman who treated you in the manner that she did should be ashamed of herself for behaving in the way that she did.

    Jun 16, 2008
    hope you are doing better
    by: ronald f

    hope you can find the help you want. being put into a diaper does leave a scare on a person. i know about it frist hand . i do not talk auobt what i went thur. i focus on what i can do to help othes. so what wappened to me will not happen to others. as hard as it is sometimes i ask any one who has been punnished with a diaper to tell there story . in hope a parent who is thinking about whats now called daiper displine will see what happens to the child and does not use diaper discilpine. any one who has been punished this way in the past our who is being disciplined in this faction now has a friend . i'm working to bring the affects diaper discipline has on a child , and to try to stop the pratice. i should tell my story but i'm just not ready to let
    ronald

    Jul 10, 2008
    Abuse promotes developmental problems
    by: Robert P.

    I didn't plan on adding to my story again but with such limited space, I tried to stick to the main subject of my abuse with diaper discipline. However, after searching the many stories and comments here, I failed to see reference to one other side effect of my childhood developement, leaving me still wanting further understanding of myself and hopefully for others. My two above entries pretty much covered my diaper punishments as a child and even some of the emotional effects afterwards. However, there was one other emotional effect that these diaperings contributed to.
    As I stated, my self-esteem, self identity was destroyed. I was withdrawn, fearful and self loathing. I often felt I was a discard unlike other children who had families and a real home. Visits to my mother, she would sometimes comment on how she had wanted a little girl. This led me to study girls and I became preoccupied with how different they behaved and dressed. Being shy and passive, I started feeling I was more like a girl than a boy. By the time I was nine, I really hated being a boy.
    Then one day I saw the foster mother put one of her daughter's dresses away and I became curious. That night I couldn't stop thinking what it would feel like to have been a girl and to wear dresses. After everyone was asleep, I slipped down stairs and retrieved the dress. Putting it on felt magical as the dress slipped over me, almost as if it not only fit me, but more like I fitted it.
    Just then the lights came on and the woman stood staring at me as I froze in fear. She asked what I was doing in the dress and I cried I just wanted to see what it felt like. She immediately remove it and scolded me for sneaking around the house before sending me back to bed. The next morning she sent everyone down to breakfast but told me to wait for her return. I was terrified when she entered and I saw her arms full of her daughter's clothes. I pleaded for her not to do this but she was steadfast as she dressed me from the skin out complete with petticoats and a dress. Though I was upset and embarrassed, I also felt a curious sort of excitement and yet calming. Still, I cried uncontrollably as she led me down to breakfast and introduced me as 'Sissyboy'. Despite the teasing and laughter, I felt shielded and strangely protected by the dress. I was kept dressed the whole day and that evening the woman asked how I liked being a girl for the day. Fearfully, I lied and said I didn't.
    I was never dressed up again. I'm not sure if my earlier diaper shamings caused these feelings but I believe they played a part. I think that my very low self-esteem contributed to my hating who I was though my mother's comments also contributed to these feelings. Degrading a child has so many rippling effects it just can't be completely explained. This is why I stress diaper discipline destroys a child's identity and personality. Degrading a child is the most cruel form of abuse.

    Aug 03, 2008
    Are witnesses also guilty?
    by: Robert P.

    Dear Darlene Barriere,

    I am a bit confused by an initial reply you posted about my experiences. You had said that the other children, who were made to watch and participlate in my shaming, were not guilty or accountable but rather were also being victimized.

    This might have been true initially because they did look really scared when I looked up at them. But after that day the older boys often took pleasure in taunting me and asking if I needed changing. They often threatened to tell the woman I'd wet outdoors again and that I'd be put in diapers again. I lived in horror because I believed them and would burst into tears which only empowered them more.

    I can't help wonder if their being made to take part in my shamings might have also turned them into future abusers. Do you know if childhood witnessing can cause children to also repeat similar disciplines to other children later in life? Any information would be appreciated.

    Aug 04, 2008
    I cannot help you with specific requests, Robert
    by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

    Robert, I must be upfront with you about my personal time limitations. I cannot be an ongoing support for any visitor to my site, not with the thousands who visit my site every day. I can only suggest you try to find the additional information you seek by reading through the various pages (and comments I've already offered many other visitors) on this site. Please, I ask that you be respectful of my limits and of the work I have already painstakingly done for this site.

    While I cannot guarantee the results, you can try doing a site search using the button at the very bottom of my navigation bar at the left margin. Keep in mind that child abuse in all its forms, including witnessing abuse, is one of the most underreported crimes there is; therefore, statistics, even if they are available, are highly unreliable.

    Darlene Barriere
    Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
    Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

    May 21, 2011
    Ahhm, child abuse
    by: Anonymous

    My problem may be a 180. I get off on the diaper thing. It gives me sexual pleasure in a way (pee only). I found your story by google. I was really looking for child abuse of why I like this? It's kind of sick. My theory is that my mother abused me and made me feel like a piece of s**t every time I went. I don't remember btw. My mother is an extremely controlling person and after reading on google about slave/master relationships of this type that is all I get, verifying what I already know. Oh well. I guess I just wanted to hear something along those lines.

    May 28, 2011
    Food for thought
    by: Robert P.

    Dear Anonymous,
    You sound about as confused as I once was about why anyone would want to relive such tramatic humiliations as I did. I can't speak for you or anyone else, but for me, I really think there was an unconscious sexual experience happening while I was being forced to wear diapers. I really believe our body and mind are separate entities and though my mind was experiencing intense trauma by the shame of being put diapers, my bodily senses must have experienced some form of sexual stimulation from the diapers. This sexual excitement was also intensified by the addition of adrenaline. This imprinted in my subconscious an association of intense sexual pleasure if I wore diapers again. A few years later, when I saw some diapers hanging on a clothesline, my body instantly reacted to these unaware imprints and I immediately became excited. I of course was both confused and scared as to what was happening to me. I also went into a dazed state of mind as I uncontrollably grabbed a couple of the diapers and stuffed them in my coat. It was as if I had no control of my body and it had taken over my actions. I really don't believe anyone yet really understands the workings of the human mind but maybe that's a good thing. Just think if they did and could control our every thought. I'm sure someone would use that for evil. We are what we are and I'm sure God made us this way for a reason. I hope this sheds some light on your understanding.
    Robert P.

    Mar 02, 2012
    Lost All Hope
    by: Anonymous

    I can fully identify with Robert P and your comments, My life is a train wreck. At age 5, four months sort of my 6th birthday I spent 10 days with my father and his family. He regressed me to a toddler He was a sick man who was infantilized by his mother. She kept him a baby out of her warped need to nurture and control him, as did she her two daughters. Grandmother passed her sickness on to him and him to me and my brother. And your right I have a compulsion to wear and do wear diapers. It is wrecking my life and my families. For 7 years I thought I was healed. Ihad to go to child abuse training, mandatory for volunteers at my church. The films interviewing pedifiles and their victims brought it all back...ten times worse, I can't eat. sleep I go between rage, depression and numb. I 'm in so much pain I just want to kill myself.

    Jan 27, 2015
    abused
    by: john

    The story of the little boy being forced into a diaper at age six is reprehensible. I am a retired music teacher of elementary children. I have witnessed little guys wetting their pants in class and the stress and guilt affects them. Children have feelings and they know when something happens to them that strikes fear and sadness into their little souls. To abuse a little boy for ones own pleasure is immoral behavior at its worse. The abuse stays with him throughout his life and he is the sadder for it. Only through the acceptance of Christ and allowing the Holy Spirit to clean out and heal those deep internal wounds can the child free himself of adult wicked acts.
    John

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