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May 18, 2008
So betrayed...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Rick, you were so alone and so betrayed. Your father emotionally abused you. Your mother emotionally and physically abandoned you when she couldn't cope with what was happening in her dissolving relationship with your father. You grew up during at time when society didn't believe that women could molest. We STILL live in a society that doesn't want to admit that mothers and grandmothers can be sex offenders; but they CAN be offenders. And you are living proof.

Your grandmother abused her power in the most contemptible ways. She took advantage of your emotional state, your emotional needs, your hormones, and your body. To use guilt to attempt to make you a willing participant was despicable. Don't ever believe that you were at fault or that you allowed all those terrible acts to happen. Your body may have betrayed you, but you were NOT at fault in any way, Rick. The blame lies squarely on your grandmother's shoulders. She should be in prison for the acts she committed against you.

You said: "I still have that need sometimes, that need I once had, to call her when I feel sad to let her tell me she loves me unconditionally..." Rick, you didn't have that need met by your parents when you were a little boy, but when your grandmother filled that need, of course it would be special, and of course you would still feel that need today when those feelings crop up. It must have been devastating to feel that specialness with your grandmother, then to have her use that to have her way with you. This would have been crazy-making to a young boy. All of the above has left you still needing to feel that specialness. I understand those feelings; I once lived them myself. I had to learn that the only person who could give me those feelings was me. I had to learn to stop trying to find it outside of myself. Therapy taught me this.

There was a time when I too was terrified that I would meet up with my abuser (my mother) on the street, or that she would phone me; and then what would I say? What would I do? I used to have in-my-head conversations with my mother that sometimes lasted for hours. Conversations that were intended to prepare me on what to say. Conversations that all too many times turned into all-out fights that I could no longer keep in my head. If I hadn't been in the confined and private space of my apartment, if someone had seen me, they would have hauled me off to a psyche ward, where I have no doubt the diagnosis of schizophrenia would have been bantered about. Again, therapy taught me that I needed to get the anger and hostility, and yes, even hatred, out in order to begin to heal.

Writing your story was the first step. I hope you'll take the next one. I urge you to seek out some form of counselling to help you deal with the emotional turmoil. You're worth it, Rick.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 28, 2010
me too
by: Anonymous

I too went through what you did, except it was my grandfather. My parents marriage was on the rocks and I spent alot of time at my grandfather's house in the summer. I thought he loved me and I felt as if, if I didn't let him do those things to me, that e would hate me. He said things like, "i would never hurt you so just let me". A few of my cousins and I would gather together and talk about all the things he'd done to us. One of my older cousins had told on him and the rest of the family turned on her. I finally told my mother what her father had done to me when I was 16. She didn't believe me because I wouldn't tell her every detail about what he'd done. Even though he had been caught a couple of times by my aunts, doing things that were questionable, they swept it under the rug. My mother finally believed me and took my side once I'd written a letter to my grandfather and told him to give me twenty grand in exchange for all the pain he had caused me.When he gave me the money I took it straight to my mother and slammed it down on the table in front of her. I know what you went through. I,too, felt like I had no one else. I was a shy child who felt like I didn't belong any where. I never turned my grandfather in to the authorities but I think about it every day. Some how my grandfather is still important to me. I haven't seen or talked to him since he gave me that money and I have no desire too. I guess being a female abused by a male, an authority figure to me, I still feel as if he's got more power than I. I know your pain.

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