Comments for Child Abuse Story From Rebecca P Part 2

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Nov 01, 2008
Dissociation, delusion and determination...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Rebecca, dissociation is a very effective coping skill; and one that I relate to...oh so well. When enduring some of the more vicious beatings at the hands of my mother, I mentally left my body for better places too. It was the only way I knew to escape the physical and emotional pain.

Don't know if you're aware of this, but during World War I, orphaned babies left in the care of nuns and nurses who kept them in their cribs and did not pick them up or even touch them, all died. It was later determined that babies who are not touched or hugged do not thrive or survive. We now know that touch is a basic need. And so is love.

Your mother left you with deep psychological scars when she rejected your affectionate advances. Her response to those advances served to further entrench your feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. It is no great surprise those feelings would leave you lonely and without friends, and plunge you even more immersed in your world of make believe. Indeed, you probably took that "world", or some form of it, with you into adulthood and used it to cope with the abuses your husband inflicted. But delving into that aspect is beyond the scope of this site.

Rebecca, it is not unusual for survivors of abuse to see the positive in others and NOT see that same positive in themselves. You are so right when you compare the logical and psychological mind. Logically, you understand you were not to blame; mentally, you can't believe it because you have been deluded into believing what you were told. This contradiction is in part tied in to the negative messages you were raised with; negative messages that were lies; lies you've adopted as your own thoughts, thoughts you've never questioned.

Rebecca, we can't change how we feel, but when we change how we think, we change how we feel. It is only when you begin to question your thoughts and turn those thoughts around will those thoughts let go of you. Hopefully, you and your therapist will be able to work on that—your personal truth—together; of that, I believe you are determined.

Again, thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Nov 01, 2008
Thank you
by: Rebecca P / Justine

Thank you again Darlene for your kind and inspiring words. Firstly I must explain and apologise for the Rebbeca / Rebecca thing. I have only shared some of my story with my counsellor and I suppose I was scared, I didn?t want to be ?anonymous? so I used another name (the name my father used for me with other people ? Rebecca) and added a P which stood for Pain. This is the only thing of my writing that has been misleading and I am truly sorry. My name is Justine.
I am very aware that I have many wrong and negative thoughts and I have been trying to question and change them but I have had in the back of my mind that your thoughts are who you are so if your thoughts are wrong then you are wrong and so if you change your thoughts you would not longer be you. And I know because I have tried so hard you cannot change who you are. But your comment ?we can?t change how we feel, but when we change how we think, we change how we feel? has given so such hope such determination to work on those thoughts. It opened up the idea that you are your feelings not your thoughts. So I will believe that if I change my thoughts I will feel different.
Thank you for your wonderful website and the amount of time you must spend reading and responding to entries. You are truly a beautiful person.

Note from Darlene: Thank you for the kind words and accolades, Justine. And I am delighted my comments have helped you; it is the reason I do what I do.

I certainly appreciate the apology, but from my perspective, apologies are unnecessary. I completely understand your situation. I think even more highly of you for having the courage to disclose your real name. Whether or not you realize it, you are advancing with your therapy in leaps and bounds! I hope you'll keep my visitors and me updated with your progress.

BTW, when I received your first submission, I wasn't sure if your last name was meant as a statement (as you've now indicated) or if it was your surname. In order to ensure privacy and Internet confidentiality for my visitors, I've now adopted a policy whereby I no longer permit the use of last names.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Nov 10, 2008
sometimes you take a step backwards but then hopefully you take two steps forward
by: Justine

Hello Darlene, Hope you don't mind I am feeling so lonely and just wanted to talk to someone. Had an appointment with a shrink today because I am on antidepressants but my GP is not happy with how I am going cause I keep wanting to give up even though I know I can't and I wouldn't kill myself because of my children but it is a horrible place to be. But the shrink just thought I had quite a complete situtation and wasn't sure what to do with me, so for now she doesn't want to change anything. I am so disappointed, I have put on so much weight since I have been on the medication and I was really holding out for her to perform some magic and make everything better. Well I should of know nothing comes easy, I am just sick of everything being so very hard. Sorry to be so negative. I will try to be positive and know at least I now have 3 people trying to help me - my GP, phychologist and now this Shrink. I don't think I have ever encountered such kindness and compassion before in my life. It really is lovely, I just have to start accepting it and believe I deserve it and stop pushing it away. Thanks for listening.

Note from Darlene: Keep the faith, Justine. The weight will take care of itself if you take care of yourself; I call it "weighty issues". And yes, one step backwards often affords us an opportunity to see more clearly and thus paves the way for a giant leap forward. Consider reading Byron Katies's most recent book, Who Would You Be Without Your Story? Her approach could well be those "two steps forward" you mentioned in your title.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 06, 2008
From Paul in Ottawa Canada
by: Canadian Survivor

Dear Justine,

I read both your posts, as well as Darlene's and your comments.

Although our stories differ in many ways, I can relate to you in so many ways.

It took a lot of guts and a lot of love to leave your abusive ex. I can see your strength just in the few words you have written.

What you went through was absolutely awful. I cannot understand how a parent can do such a thing to a child, let alone to their very own.

What helped me the most to question and change my thoughts and beliefs was the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, who explains cognitive-behavioral therapy and gives his readers powerful tools to use to get to the truth of their thoughts and beliefs. It changed the direction my life.

Similar to you, I always swore I would be the complete opposite of what my father was, and today I am.

I once read "look thy enemy into the eye carefully, for you have become all of who you are because of him/her".

As painful as it was for me to live the experiences I went through, what I am most proud of are not the things I accomplished in life, but the sufferings I have suffered nobly.

We survivors can be proud of many things, two of which are: we are very sensitive to the feelings and rights of others - and we ended the cycle of abuse in our families.

Paul

Dec 08, 2008
Reply to Paul
by: Justine

Hi Paul, Thanks for your comments they were very timely indeed. I haven't had much desire lateley to look at my accomplishments. I have just put together a book that started out as being a feel good book but ended up as a memories book that makes me feel good. In this book along with photo's, cards etc that had nice memories I also put things in that reminded me of what I have endured, these things make me remember how far I have come and how well I am doing. I will have to read the book you suggested - thankyou.
Take Care and have a Merry Christmas
Justine

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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