Comments for Child Abuse Story From Paul1

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Apr 13, 2010
Paul:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

My deepest condolences on the loss of your brother.

Whether or not you choose to recognize it, your parents were neglectful, and that's abuse. In their abandonment, they forced your brother to take on a role that was not his to take. The sexual relationship you shared with your brother was inappropriate, and yes, even abusive to you. The fact that you don't realize that now may be because you are still developing; your brain is not yet done growing. You are so focused on the loving feelings you had with him that you cannot see things as clearly as your brother did. And I'm not referring to you being gay; I'm referring to the inappropriateness of what he allowed to develop. I strongly suggest you seek out some form of counselling in order to deal with the turmoil you are now faced with. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Apr 13, 2010
It's not uncommon..
by: Anonymous girl

It is not uncommon to feel love toward our abuser and actually fail to see it as abuse.

Your parents were wrong - think of it like this, would you want your kids to fend for themselves? Wouldn't you WANT to be near them? Cook for them, play board games, watch movies? Think how YOU would want it for YOUR child, and then decide if your parents made a wise choice.

Now think about your brother. He was lost (parents gone), he was just entering his sexuality (young teen), he was confused...and all he had for support was an 11 yr old. And he misused that trust. I feel it's a strong possibility that if your brother had had structure and support from the get go he would not have decided to do what he did.

So now you're a young adult, battling the loss of your parents (their own stupidity), the loss of your brother & a huge helping of self imposed guilt. You did not do this - this was a recpe for disaster from the beginning. Your job now is to forgive who you can, forgive yourself & learn to heal. The What-Ifs can bother us forever or we can let them be what they are..imaginary. The biggest and most important thing for you to do now is learn from this and make the choice in your life not to make the same mistakes. If you're a father someday, how do you want them to be raised?

Apr 13, 2010
I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother
by: Anonymous

What you and your brother did should not have happend I admit but you must have been feeling lonely because your mother and father did abandon you. Of course when you are feeling that way, who should you turn to but your older brother who acted like a father to you. I hope you can get over this, and also I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother.

Apr 14, 2010
Absent Parents: Absent LOVE:
by: Maurice

Paul 1. I always read Darlene's comment before I share my thoughts: She truly is the professional, with a big womans heart for each of her visitors who search and find her absolute gift site to us all. Her stewardship is most encourageing. Paul 1 always be true to yourself: Always believe in yourself: Be honest too, acknowledge your own giftedness/Tallents. You are highly intelligent and well able to work things out. No underestimating yourself. I am certain you will find if you accept yourself you will accept Darlene's comment to you. Absent parent's Absent Love. Your Parents abdicated their responsibilities greatly. Giving your older brother a huge responsibility to care for himself and you. Plenty of Food, Enough Money to keep you both well cared for in their absence is not parenting. They totally neglected you both. You brother being the older was maturing and growing in his own right. Having to make sense of his own sexuality at a very sensitive age of adolecence: He expermented one aspect of his sexuality on you not knowing any better. With no guidance you cannot blame him for that. Once he grew up and realised His Sexuality was more real and natural he may now be feeling guilty about the things he did tot you. You likewise must value your sexuality honestly in that light. Your brother meant no wrong. Don't balme him, don't blame yourself. Your parents in their neglect of you both have alot to answer for. Build up your own self esteem now Paul 1. get to know the real YOU. Be gentle and kind on your self and your brother. Live your life to the full. I was touched up sexually by older boys in the school I attended that did not make me gay. or indeed it did not make them all gay. only 2 of the few that did it to me ended up Gay. The others god married and are now Grand-Fathers. I think there is a message there some place. Take heed of Darlene's loving words and comment to Paul 1. Take ownership of them for yourself. You'll feel much better within yourself. Paul 1 live well, laugh alot, love much beginning with yourself. Have a healthy mind in a healthy body. Get out there and be active and alive with your own age group and peers. In team sports, and cultural activities. At 23 years of age you sure can love, value, respect your body and your sexuality. Remember the truth will set you free. I can: I will: I must because I am WORTH it I'm SPECIAL:

Jun 14, 2010
Your Story
by: Anonymous

Hi Paul,

I am so sorry about your brother- very sad. My condolences, the loss must be very hard for you.

Your parents obviously, never were fit to bring children into the world. They abandoned you two and that is the abuse I see in your life.

You and your brother had no "parenting"- left to fend on your own, you two only had each other. At puberty, I can see you and your brother's emotional and physical development as happening in a way that would have been strange had it not. I am not defending what happened- only that I see it as a progression in your relationship with brother- a brother who also had to take a role as mother/father.

Of course, your brother assumed all the guilt as he grew older. That is the tragedy here. The guilt lies with the parents.

I am a gay male by the way. In my late 50's now. Dealing with emotional abuse- the effects it had on me I didn't recognize for many years.

I do hope you can find emotional help with a qualified therapist/counselor/etc. You must heal your "self". Don't let anything stand in the way of working towards healing. Everyone deserves to be happy. I am finally feeling real joy, and I am finally feeling connected with the world.

That you are a gay man, may or may not have been a result of what occured. It doesn't matter now as long as you're ok as a gay man. Today, gay and lesbians can lead lives with love, self esteem, respect, and with (almost) as much legal rights as anyone else. That too will change in time-We are who we are, just as everyone is, no better and no worse.

You have a long life ahead of you and I wish you the best.

Jul 06, 2010
I'm So Sorry
by: John

So sorry things worked out for you like they did. I almost cried reading this. I feel your pain. Please know that if you reach out to God then this too shall pass. U will make it through.

Aug 09, 2010
Thanks
by: Paul

Thanks, The last few months have been really exhausting both mentally and physically. my boyfriend introduced me to his counsellor who he used to see when he was younger. He sort of set me up and tricked me during a party. I cannot blame him for doing it because i was going no where. Talking does help but it is hard to let go of all my secrets. I do not want to think less of my brother because i still love him. My parents on the other hand, i do not think i ever want to see them again. Maybe it is me or the fact that i have started talking about my past but i am really building up a lot of hatred for my parents.
So much so it sometimes frightens me when i think about what i could do to them.Then there is Steve just having him hold my hand releases all of my tensions and reminds me of what i have that is good in my life. I Guess i am going to be talking about my past for quite some time but i really do not wnt to end up hating my brother. We love each other before all of this started and i dont want to tarnish what we had

Aug 14, 2010
Great and good news: A friend in need is a friend indeed
by: maurice

I have been moving house these past few weeks Paul 1 and I have not been opening up my emails: Now I am in my new house and home I am back getting great affirmation from the comments of darlene and the stories related: Great to hear your good news: Good that special person is in your life called friend: It will be painful paul 1 be brave: Be strong and persevere with this counsellor: In time you will be helped by him to put all what happened you into perspective: You'll be all the better for it Paul 1' keep living your life to the full having a healthy mind in a healthy body: By being active and alive with your friends in sporting and cultural activities: I am so happy for you Paul 1. You've come alon way

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