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Mar 25, 2011
To Name Withheld:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Your parents were sick and twisted. Your mother was a beast, and your father not only condoned it, he was party to it. When parents strip their children down naked for beatings, there is a sexual element to it. It's not only physical abuse, it's sexual abuse. Make no mistake, woman can and do get sexual gratification from administering such beatings. My own mother was one of those women. And while I can't say with absolute certainly that was the case with your mother, her vile actions are consistent with a sexual abuser. The fact that your parents are still alive and you don't want to share your name (I don't permit last names, only first names) tells me that you are still afraid of them. Please seek out some form of counseling to help you deal with the repercussions of what you endured as a child. You didn't deserve to be beaten. You deserve help for the fact that you were. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 25, 2011
Child Abuse Story From Canada
by: Anonymous

I agree my parents are beastly and I don't think I am afraid of them I just know they deny every thing I have tried to talk about. They don't think they ever did thoes things.

My nose was broken for telling the teacher I had new shoes from my aunt. My mother grabbed my chin and kept slapping my mouth until she hit my nose and it began to pour blood. To this day she denys it because my Grand mother happend to be in Ontario at the time and I was the only one with my mother in the house. Easily denied.

There were so many more instances. One day I was beaten with a Plastic Badmington racket because I was crying to my mother for my brothers bullying.

I was made to watch myself in the mirror as I cried and told that I was such a beautiful mess.

Oh If I could go back and give her much the same as she gave to me I think I would be so happy. She really needs to feel what I felt and then she would understand.

I was in my opinion a good kid. I never did drugs or even smoked a cigaret. I even did housework to please my mother. Wash floors, strip them from wax and re wax. Was I ever hugged as a child? Not until I was an adult in life. It really means nothing to me at all now.

Thanks for alowing me to vent at least some of the haunting evil thoughts are out. There is more though.

Mar 25, 2011
Name Withheld Canada
by: GPM

It is apparent you hold a great deal of hatred for your abusers, and it has been held for a long period of time- from age 4 to 53. In your case time did not soften nor heal your feelings about those tragic family events where you subjected to such horrific physical abuse.

But you know, I used to believe time had that healing affect- time put space between me and my tormentors. It doesn't. The mind just will not let go of some things, no matter how much time it's given to deal with the memories of all the tramatic experiences it keeps tucked away.

So, what do you do? First of all you gain control over the memories, not let them control you. Secondly, cease any thought process where your abuser/tormentor still has the absentee control of your memories from such a long time ago. And lastly, give yourself the much overdo credit for being a survivor of the brutality you endured. Your experience as you revealed it is now releasing others to do the same. Thank God for survivors- and you.

Mar 26, 2011
I agree with Darlene
by: Anonymous

You were given a raw deal. I'm sorry to hear about your sadistic mother and your psycho dad. What your so-called parents did to you was pathetic because they (and even your grandma) are truly cruel and sadistic in their own ways of thinking. They didn't deserve to have such a beautiful child like you; you didn't deserve to have such uncaring, unloving, ignorant, cruel, twisted, sick, ruthless, animalistic, sadistic parents. Parents (especially mothers) who abuse their own children are one of the real abusers. Oh, and they are cowards too because only cowards would do such things to such helpless children that you and your brother once were. Oh, and you are not to blame for their sadistic, screwed up behavior; they are to blame because they chose to abuse you. You were the child; they were the adults; they had all the power and they misused it over you. oh, and they should've had the courage to seek as much professional help as they needed instead of abusing you in this way. The path that they and even your grandma chose was and still is inexcusable. Oh, and bragging about why they "had to beat you" really shows me how uneducated and ignorant they really are. Oh, and did I mention that they even set you up for failure? That's not education; that's just torture. That's not about teaching you skills; that's just all about power and control. They were and still are manipulative people and I'm sorry to even believe that they really wanted you to fail just so they could keep controlling you. Oh, and most people who treat others the way you were treated often do it out of jealousy because they could never be such a shining star that you really are. I really hope that you are in a safe place now and that you try counselling.

Mar 26, 2011
child abuse anonymous
by: Anonymous

Thank you GPM for your feed back and I do hold a lot of anger as time won't heal the scars left in my mind. I have done my best to forgive but the anger keeps popping up.

Normally I am a very forgiving person but in these two cases I can not bring myself to fully do this. I try to move on and I end up having flash backs and even nightmares.

When I am asked to stay over night at my parents place, I refuse, simply because I don't feel that comfortable to do this and I know it bothers them but it didn't bother them to abuse me as a child.

So I care not if my avoidence irritates them.

My father never stuck up for me and I classify him as a worm, coward as he was afraid of my mother.

Any way GPM I really appreciate your kind thoughts

rgc


Mar 26, 2011
You are so Brave: I really belive this is a turning point for the good in your life
by: maurice

You were abused: cruelly, saditically, controllably, humiliated, hurt, bruised, marked all over your tenderness of skin: you tell a very truth filled honest story about your mother in particular but your Parents: What sick and perverted minds with animal insticts, beastly in such treatment of their innocent and vunerable children: Scared, what trauma to put a child/adolecent through: You are just 10 years younger than me: While my beatings were not as harsh, cruel never the less I can empatise with you and those belts on your skin: Sicko's both especially your mother: Darlene has put your beatings in perspective to some degree saying you were both physically and sexually abused: I believe her as i am certain anyone who undresses an innocent and vunerable child especially into their puperty and adolecent years has a twisted mind: arousel is certain from that sick man woman who do such a thing: Have now doubt our parents wee sadistic and perverted to do what they did to you: Stop doing yourself down: Walk Tall, Walk Straight walk the WORLD right in the eye in your wonderfulness, greatness, giftedness, intellogence: You are that in your own right: You have alot of living to do, speak with a counsellor; have a true friend or friends who will make you feel proud of yourself: Dwelling on memories such as yours, having to live with tha macho body of yours knowing those memories ain't easy: But Only you can erase the bruises, the marks, the weilds by be gentle and kind to your body: soothe it all over with creams massage it: It's OK it's your body to care:

Mar 26, 2011
Child Abuse from Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Dear Maurice and Anonymous.

Hi To the latest two letters addressed to me from Anonymous and Maurice. Just getting feedback makes me feel a whole lot better. I am starting to feel like I was not in the wrong for being born. Thank you for allowing me to tell my story.

You are right I am a very caring individual and I didn?t deserve to be treated like that. I was actually afraid to go home after school. I was afraid to fail and even afraid to try.

I recall when we had moved from the city to the country and the school system was more stringent and one had to have a higher mark just to pass. Before I started school (that year I was in grade 4 so I was about 10 years old) my mother threatened me if I ever made an F on a school paper or report card don?t ever come home as she would only beat the living daylights out of me if I did.

Well that year was tough and when the most sever beatings took place after failing a few papers. Subjects, that I couldn?t grasp well for what ever reason I am not sure but my concentration level in these studies was very low so I had a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach when the papers would be handed back because I didn?t feel that I knew my work enough. The pains would come strongly, then the teacher would ask that all papers be signed and returned to her. When I went home my mother was not yet home from work so I sat there in horror for what she had promised me. Sure enough she just got her coat off and I had to tell her I needed my paper signed before I could return it to the teacher. When she spotted the F She became so enraged and told me to get into the room and take all my clothes off as I was going to get a licken. So as I was told to do so off I went to my room and in she came with the belt. ?I am still remembering that day just like it was yesterday and feeling sick and hot inside.? She grabbed the belt and stormed down the long hallway to my room and grabbed me by the hand and for every word she said ?NOW ARE YOU GOING TO STUDY HARDER AND GET PROPER MARKS THE NEXT TIME? That was 14 straps then I was in so much pain and crying I had to answer her and I said NO because I was so confused. Then she said ?YOUR NOT WELL I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO STUDY HARDER NEXT TIME! That was 13 smashes with that ever so wonderful piece of conveyor belt that she used for beating. My skin had whelts and bruises for days and weeks after. Add it all together and you get one abused kid very upset and crying and in so much pain I would have rather died than to come home.

to be continued.....

Mar 26, 2011
child abuse Anonymous
by: Anonymous

continued from previous.....RGC

Then I was to bring my report card home and the same promise applied, if I made an F don?t come home. I got 4 ?Fs? that year and I hid my report card from my mother and also from my teacher for 3 months. I had to lie to my teacher daily, and that I didn?t feel good about either but because I couldn?t say my mother was abusive to me it made it all the more difficult for me to tell the truth. My mother always threatened me that if I continued to fail in school and be bad (I guess that was fighting with my bullying brother) that I and he would both be placed in the Children?s home as that is where bad kids go. Also if I told any one outside of our house, what was going on at home I would go there just because I had a big mouth. Orphanages' were where bad kids or children went so said my mother and father driving by an orphanage with us in the car.

So when Mrs. M called my mother to see if I was really forgetting my report card at home currently signed, she asked my mother if this was true. My mother said no I haven?t seen it as ?he? has never shown it to me. So I got so sick after the teacher did that. I didn?t know where to turn or where to go but to go home and face the wild woman who proclaimed to be my mother. By this time I had such an upset stomach, I had to rush into the bathroom so that I wouldn?t have an accident. I had been such a bundle of nerves I had caused myself to have diarrheal episodes. I could hear my mother say ?You get out of there you, you little bastard, you don?t have to go to the bathroom?. So I finished up and went out and she told me she wanted to see my report card. I passed it to her and again in a fit of rage she grabbed me and drug me into my sisters bedroom where my sister as a baby was sleeping. As my mother beat me with a slipper she told me if I cried and woke up the baby that I would get it a lot worse. From that day on my mother has always referred to me as the biggest liar on earth and the truth be known, I am the honest one in the entire family. She even hid the fact that I have a sister that is today 63 years old. I found out about this sister at age 35. Prior to my being aged 35 my mother painted a perfect picture of herself. She never did any thing wrong and when she was to blame she would even blame my father. She never admits to being wrong.

My mother all of my life I have known her to be a Chronic Liar and a two faced witch for the lack of a better term to her friends.

I would be stopped on the street and told how wonderful my mother was. I had to set a great many people straight by saying. Well you see a side that I never see and you don?t live with her so let me tell you she is not as sweet as you think.







Mar 26, 2011
child abuse Anonymous continued...
by: Anonymous

My Grand mother once asked, me what will you do when you grow up? My reply was ?I would like to be an entertainer some one to make people laugh and also play my music and bring back fond memories of their past through my musical abilities.? I don?t think that was the voice of an evil or bad child. .

When would I be beat again and for what? Little boys are to be seen and not heard my mother would often say when she had a visitor.

I never thought about once having my own family being terrified of my own life as a child. I did know that the beatings and sheer fear of my mother changed my feelings about woman in many regards. I couldn?t even think of lying beside one in my own bed. I also knew that some women were pretty ok but none seemed interested in me.

So I ended up living a life of wanting the softer, gentler side of life. So I took up with the first person who was ever very kind to me. We lived together for 15 years but turns out with his alcoholic problem and habitual lying I ended up being hurt there many times. So I left him and have been single for 20 years now.

I have never trusted many people after that and most of my friends are Gay men. I tried many times to move to different cities to see if my lover would be there but in every attempt I could not find any one that I could really trust. When things got upsetting in these relationships, I just decided to go inside myself not talk and avoid the relationship altogether.

At Christmas and Easter and Birthdays Mother would always give us many presents. My brother and I always felt it was her way to show she needed forgiveness. However it was only to impress visitors at Christmas time that these were the poor kids who never got anything. There are several home movies of these episodes to enforce upon us that we got every thing and were better off than most kids.

One year we got guns for Christmas. The kind of gun that at that time shot torpedoes, they were light plastic which was hollow inside. Brother and I used to use it on each other but this one day we decided to shoot our mother in the ass at the same time and laughed really loudly. We both agreed she deserved it. Well it felt good to do that but the after math you can imagine. She was enraged and we both got beat again. During the Christmas holidays it was nothing to beat your kids to my mother. Christmas was just another day to her.

People would come to our house and say ?your boys are so well behaved? Well we were afraid to do anything for she could turn on us any minute.? But we could never tell others of our family life to any one for fear of the consequences.








Mar 26, 2011
child abuse Anonymous continued....
by: Anonymous

I just now this minute had another flash back. ?I recall I was 4 and taking a bath by myself.? Well I didn?t know anything about sexual Arousal but I had some how suddenly sprung an erection and became very curious about it. So I wanted to see why so as I grabbed my penis at age 4, my mother happens to see me upon her entrance to the bathroom, due to that she grabs the wash cloth sopping wet and began to Thrash me about 5-8 times telling me not do to that as I was a DIRTY FILTHY BOY.

I think had my son done something like that I would have perhaps said oh Excuse, I am sorry, I thought you were finished with your bath and by now and have walked away completely. What would I have known at age 4 about sex or any thing about erections? This woman was just all wrong.

I am afraid my Sister has many of her traits as a woman in her 45th year. Just the other day I asked my mother why my sister didn?t call me. My mothers reply was ?Oh she doesn?t have long distance, we always call her". Then I know this is a lie and confirm it with my other sister who is only 6 years younger than I am. So you see I still live my life having to deal with Chronic Liars and family who just don?t get it. But you know something I have learned over the years. You can?t pick your family but you sure as heck can pick your friends. If I had to choose any of my family for a friend it would be my sister who is 6 years younger than me. She is a beautiful girl and was also abused like my brother and I.

So in closing I just like to say you have no Idea how much it helps me to vent what I have held inside for so many years and I have not really had any form of a friend who would listen to me as for when my friends meet my mother she is on her best behaviour so they thing she is the sweetest thing since Bread and Jam.

Thank you Maurice, Anonymous, GPM and Darlene, Because of your kind words I feel there may be some closure so I can put my fears behind and begin the healing process, and hopefully move forward with my life.

I would also like to say to those of you who do have children; you can always talk to a child and receive more cooperation from them than to have to pound them to death for their punishment. Don?t abuse them sexually, don?t grab them by the head of the hair and throw them into the next room. These things are all very damaging to a child?s Psyche. Remember Children are the Angels of the world and one day you will need them to look after you so that you won?t be placed in a home left to die alone. Don?t ever hit your child as it ruins them for a very long time in their lives.

I know I am survivor and because of this website I have rid my mind of so much grief, Thank you all. I can?t hate anyone but I can hate the memories of abuse and scars left behind.






Mar 26, 2011
Child Abuse Anonymous continued by rgc
by: Anonymous

continued.....

The BIBLE said Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.

People got the wrong idea here it should have been:

Throw away your thoughts of anger and punishment with Rods & other objects. Spoil your child for one day you will need him to look after you. Also during 18 years for a child to live in your home is 18 years that you will never be lonely, for when they have all grown up and your children will have moved away from you. All you will have are the memories and if your lucky a child who still loves you who visits you with their children who happen to be your grandchildren.

I hope that more people become aware of a child?s behaviour on a daily basis, Teachers friends and Relatives. Children do carry some times and very often a huge burden on their shoulders when they are being traumatized and they have no one to turn to.

One final word as food for thought, ?Your child did not ask to be brought into your world.? Be Thankful.

I recall an elderly couple said that when they were young they would have a child and they would never be lonely when they were elderly. That child was taken away by Gods will and these elderly people ended up being alone and very saddened by their loss. If you have a child show them love and affection even when times are rough.


Thank YOU!!

RGC

Mar 27, 2011
Stay SAFE: Be SAFE: Value and Respect your self WORTH
by: maurice

Reading once again you continued relating to Darlene and her visitors your memory of beatings by your Mother: I can empatise with you in the waiting part: I used fret being told I'll see you in my office later: From hearing that until the actual time the thoughts and fear were huge inside me: Then hearing the words Undo your buttons: automatically bare because we were not allowed wear underpants until we were 15 in this school: Hi: Let Go: you can and you will: Find ways of dealing with the flash backs in a positive way: Speaking with and asking a counsellor is your greatest help to let go: Don't dwell on the memoeries or the flash backs for too long: Be gentle and kind on yourself more so on that beautiful body of yours now: The marks and the bruises are no longer there except in your mind: so cuddle and hug your body: don't be ashamed of it: Your mother abused it: You did not: Have a healthy mind in a healthy body: Take charge of being good to yourself: I am sure you have a friend or friend (s) your own age and gender whom you trust: Talk with them and ask them to help you LET GO of what are real bad memories of a very twisted Mother with a control freaks mind: I did take off my clothes each time she ordered me no resepcting of loving parent who cherished their child or children would be so sick and mental:

Mar 28, 2011
I Can Relate..
by: Bee

Your mother reminds me of mine.My heart goes out to you,as your mom,like mine was so sick with anger she felt she had to take it out on an innocent child,you.Once a child is hit with physical,emotional or verbal abuse,it changes who they are.The abuse hurts the inner spirit of that child & forever changes them.It doesn't mean we can't grow & heal to a point of acceptance in who we are.We are valued even though our parents didn't value us.I do wish that you may heal just enough to know that you deserve to heal more.

My mother,like yours severely abused me,with her fists,feet,lilac switches,wooden spoons,knives & the list goes on.Anything she could pick up to inflict pain was fair game for her bursts of anger.What a horrible way to live being afraid of the very person who was suppose to protect you. Stripping you naked is a form of sexual abuse as my mother did it to me.She would catch me naked so as to not make it obvious to what her real intentions were.As a little girl,she would "check" me to make sure I was still clean & hadn't let anyone touch me "down there." Her precious son,whom she molested,molested me for years.He was older than I,old enough to know better.

The abuses have left their tortured mark on me as they have on you by what you endured.I had to accept the fact that the memories will never go away but get less painful the more I worked on myself.A person can't forget they were robbed of their childhood.Never quit talking about the abuse until a time comes when there is some peace within & you're validating the child you were,the adult you are today.We deserve to be happy,to cry when sad,to be angry when we've been hurt,to heal when we choose,when we are ready.We deserve to be loved & to love that child who was injured,& the adult we are today.

Don't let anyone take your voice away.

We still are a testimony of the strength & will to survive the horrible treatment inflicted upon us.Your parents were sick.They were adults & knew better but choose their actions against you.My father had a hand in it because he chose to ignore,my bruises,moods & my mothers temper.He had a temper & hit everyone but me.

She told me I would grow up to be a slut,nobody would love me,I was ugly,I should be sent away, & she would give me away.She threatened to kill me.She killed & broke my trust,my spirit & my bones.I have spent years putting "me" back together again.

I grow,change & improve.I'm a work of art to be appreciated,loved,seen,heard & acknowledged as you do.Her guilt is hers.You're a work in progress & remember you deserve to give yourself the best even if it means that others have to take second seat to your wishes.Your parents aren't stupid to think you don't remember.You map the course for your healing.I wish you a safe journey.

May your dreams be peaceful,may your heart heal....

Mar 28, 2011
child abuse Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Thank you Maurice & Bee, for your comforting words and praise. You both are right I deserve to be loved and thought of as a good person that I am. I should be healed by now but it takes a long time I think but Hearing other peoples stories also helps to know that I am not alone and how sad it is that parents would bring children into the world just to abuse them and tear their souls and hearts apart at the very hand of abuse.

I always found being naked infront of my mother was more than I could bear and you BEE must have felt absolutly mortified. I was lucky to say that I was never molested physically but was once told that if I didn't come home on time that there were men out that that would tear my A.H apart. I spared you the details by using abreviations. I thought when she said that, What mother would ever say that to her 6 year old son.

Also I remember her talking to her best friend and repeating "Oh yes he is more hung than his brother" and she was talking like that to me so this was proof she was getting her sick and perverted jollies from me. Another time I was so sore from Horse Fly bites. I told her the more I scratched the worse the pain was and she said come here. As I put my head toward her she took her fist and pounded me twice on thoes very bites and she said now they should feel much better.

Bee you and your brother I am very sorry for and I must say you are a survivor indeed. Maurice I think you are a very kind soul to respond to my pleas for help. I once again thank you both for this.

Shocking as it may be I have now a love hate relationship with my parents. I have just reciently stopped calling to check on them to see how they are. I think they are feeling it and I really don't give a damn. They are 75 and 77 and father soon to be 76. They have always played favourites in our family and yes even though my half brother looks like my half sister he gets every thing he wants and always did. As he was the son of the one my mother wished to be with and was never due to the other mans refusal. I know where a lot of her anger stems from. It doesn't take an idiot to figure it out. She was dumped after her first pregnancy trying to rope a man she was infatuated with then went back another time for 3 months prior to her mariage to my father and had a baby in the first year who is my half brother, and my fathers people hated my mother because she said the baby was my fathers and the baby was born 3 months premature.

Mar 28, 2011
continued Child Abuse Anonymous
by: Anonymous

To my knowledge babies didn't live 57 years ago if they were premature babies they didn't have the advanced technology that they have today. So babies didn't survive. So plain English my mother lied to save her own skin. My father still admits to my brother not being his. He doesn't even resemble me in the slightest like my sisters do. So the deal with the shot gun to our heads till we married a girl if we got her pregnant was her way to enforce her laws on us because she was dumped.

Having said all this though I don't think it constitueds or gives her right to abuse us because of her miserable child hood. She made and still makes pretty bad choices and never takes the blame. Did she ever teach us anything about saving money or looking out for our future the only thing she ever wanted was a high school deploma and we all graduated but I threw it in her face when I got it and said here you wanted this more than me. By that time she was unable to thrash me around because I threatened her if she ever did It would be the last day she lived.

I later went to College to prove I could be something and took hair styling. Bad move because today I have been stuck with the plague of doing mothers hair. I don't even have this perfession any longer but still because I live near she feels I am the one to do her hair because the others don't do it right. That's a lie because she just thinks I owe it to her a free deal.

I guess I should have stayed in BC rather than move here. I just made my life worse by being too close for comfort.

OH I was saying that the oldest boy gets all he desires. Also the baby she is the #2 favourite because she gave my parents grand kids. Isn't that sweet. My sister and I who are 6 years apart are the two that get left out all the time. I feel bad for her because It is perhaps my fault that she gets left out because I stood up to my mother for abusing my sister because she had failed a French test. French was a language that even my mother didn't know how to speak or understand so I thought why beat. So I stood up for my sister and now she gets left out too the same as me. It is a good thing she has a great husband to make up for this.

I am still untrusting of many and yearn for happiness with some one of the same gender to share my life with but it has been impossible to date.

I can't let my guard down for fear of being hurt once again. Friends I don't have one that I have ever told things to that would listen without getting frustrated of the very fact. So in actuality I am very lonely.

I guess I need to find a support group for Abused gay men.

Mar 28, 2011
To Bee and Name Withheld
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry about what you guys had to go through. Oh, and to you, Bee, I'm sorry to hear about this sick excuse of a mother who is just as sadistic as Name Withheld's so-called mom is. Oh, and she is wrong. You are not ugly; you are beautiful. You are not unlovable; you are lovable. Don't ever believe any of those lies that she is spewing. Anyway, your so-called moms didn't deserve you guys in their lives because you guys did nothing wrong. I'm thinking of you.

Mar 29, 2011
I am a winner in my own right: I'm the best:
by: maurice

Hi, know I can relate to all you did to avoid a beating from that sadistic person: She does not deserve the name MOTHER: hiding your report cards was a natural instict: Sadly that teacher was not aware as to the why: I do believe you will be the winner over that sadistic person a poor reflection even of womanhood and the female species: Always believe in yourself: My motto: I WILL: I CAN: I MUST: You truly are WORTH it.

Mar 29, 2011
Child Abuse, Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Hello People. I read your latest posts the two prior to this one. I am touched by your caring words and I can assure you that you are so correct in all the things you say. Since coming forward in an Anonymous way I have felt the healing process to proceed. Today I am 1000 lbs lighter of the bricks that were on the top of my shoulders. I apologize for not using names here, however it is for my own protection and I hope you understand. I still have to work and have a life outside of my home. People can be mean at work when they read things like this especially the parts of a person being gay. So I say to you thank you so much for the much needed support from all who have corresponded. I greatly appreciated it most of all. You all deserve a big Hug and I give great hugs. I have even broken down and sobbed my way out of the pain quietly in my own home and I do feel much better. Perhaps that is what was needed most.

RGC

Thank you.!!!!

Mar 31, 2011
Therefore Go I
by: Bee

I can only imagine how you must have felt to be talked to about your genitals in this manner at such a young age.A parent who does this is sexually abusing you even if it's verbal or emotional.It paints the picture in your young mind to be ashamed of who you are.I don't judge anyone by the whom they choose to be with, whether heterosexual or not.A persons preference doesn't take away the fact that we are all human beings worthy of love.I hope you find someone to love you.It must be hard to deal with all the abuse you've had in your life as well as wanting people to understand that being Gay doesn't take away from the fact that you are deserving all the best life can bring your way.I just wish that our world could be more understanding of another's choice.

Because you are your own person & have the right to make healthy choices for yourself,I don't think you should feel obligated or guilted into doing your mother's hair.If you tell her you're busy enough times,she'll get the hint.By you doing as she asks when you don't want to,she is still wielding that control over you.Our abusers are crafty people who've had lots of experience manipulating us.Once small,we were powerless against the physical force inflicted upon us but now....she can't hit you physically anymore,so don't let her use her words to do the same.

I will never forget all the abuse that has been branded into my psychological makeup but every time I talk about,cry about & vent about my abuse,I'm healing.Every time I unleash the burden of my memories,I heal.I will carry this with me the rest of my life but it doesn't mean that I can't come to an understanding that even though this has happened to me,I can still live a happy productive life.Therrfore go I...

Keep talking,keep facing your pain because in facing our most tragic past,the pain becomes more diminished,it looses it's power over us.Only then do we come to better understanding that we are not our pain,it was something inflicted upon us.
My thoughts are with you.

Mar 31, 2011
Child Abuse.
by: Anonymous

Hello Bee. Thank you for your kind words of understanding my situation. I too like to say to you that I hope you are healing from the abuse you took as a child.

You are so right about the fact that she still likes to controll. I purposly have not called her due to the fact that I know she is waiting for a hair cut.. However as you say I will be busy. I think she needs to know I am not there as her personal Groomer. I will not allow myself tobe available. Both my father and her use me to have their hair cut always. I really hate this feeling. I some times picture myself Lashing out at her with the brush for what she did. So In anger I prefer to stay away. I may have to relocate to another city to just get out of harms way.

Again thank you for allowing me to vent.

R.

Apr 16, 2011
Sometimes,You Can Never Go Back Home.
by: Bee

I too moved back to the same city where my parents lived,only to leave again.This was where I was raised & abused by both my brother & mother.A part of me thought that as an adult,I could have that "happy family".It didn't work for me.Because my self-esteem wasn't the best,I seemed to buckle emotionally under her wishes or opinions.I became that adult child again.It was a constant internal struggle & emotional battle to even make the most simple decision around her.I let myself be "guilted" into silence again. As much as I wanted to make my own decisions, I still looked to her for approval & had a self hatred toward myself because I couldn't stand up to her.I put myself back in harms way by moving back "home". I learned to realize that you can never go back home because it wasn't a home to begin with.It was a house of abusive horrors where pain was inflicted upon me.The hard realization of knowing that what I wanted & what I received was the reality of my environment.It took me many years before I had the strength to protect myself from her.

I moved away,to raise my son & be my own person without that dark cloud hanging over me.The more I found out who I was,the stronger my self-esteem became.The more decisions I made concerning my life,the healthier I became.I gave myself the freedom to live beyond what was inflicted upon me.
I learned to breathe,to make my own mistakes & to live.If you learn from a mistake than it wasn't such a mistake to begin with.Maybe you have to leave as I did & know that there are people who will come into your life that can give you the sense of family you seek.

I wish for you be a Butterfly-to spread your wings so others can see the beautiful essence of you.Those who can't see this are a waste of your time.You don't need to convince anyone else you are worthy because you already are!!
Giving You Hope,Bee.

Apr 16, 2011
Child Abuse
by: Anonymous

Thank you Bee for your latest post.

I feel the same pain for you as you did for me. I am happy you are more on the positive side of things now. What with your son and all you will not be alone.

Sounds like your Brother and mother were two of a kind. They didn't deserve you the best day they ever lived.

No one needs to suffer as a child. Or an adult for that matter the abuse has to stop at some point and mine did. But I still think she tries to controll. I make her wait to have her hair done. I waited this last time 3 weeks. I know she was going crazy she visited me in hopes I could see her looking old and haggerd. So finally when I was ready and on my terms only I decided to do her hair.

I like the craft of doing hair but I don't like being take advantage of. So feeling guilty she had taken me out for dinner which was a pleasant change.

So I hope you are having the best life ever and now that you realize that your mother and brother were no good to you, you can move on with life and look after your son and he after you.

Thanks for the post.

I hope the strenght in you exists for ever.

RGC

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