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Apr 25, 2009
Part 1: Your mother fed you lies...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Molly, you are NOT ugly. You are NOT stupid. You are NOT bad. You are beautiful and smart and good. You are precious and deserving of dignity and respect.

I understand why you thought, and still think, this boy in the foster home was a "friend". I understand why you miss him. I understand why you thought he was being "nice" to you. But he wasn't a friend and he wasn't nice. You were robbed of the most basic need a child can have: love. You were rejected by the very person in charge of protecting you and keeping you safe from harm, the person who was supposed to love you unconditionally; but instead of getting love from her, your mother abandoned you and treated you as less than human. She told you she wished you were never born. That is the absolute worse statement a parent can ever say to their child. It was the worse thing your mother could say to you. Add to that all the beatings and the emotional abuse...of course you would look at any form of attention as friendship.

But this boy DID molest you. He took advantage of your youth and your vulnerabilities. You were in a despairing emotional state; and he used that against you. He taught you that love equals candy for sex. What you "miss" is the attention. What you "miss" is his twisted version of kindness, kindness that had a deplorable price. He manipulated you. The focus now can't be the positive feelings you had during the time this boy was molesting you; the focus must be the dysfunction and distorted view of what was really happening. Molly, if you continue to believe the former, you will likely make unhealthy decisions in your life, especially in relationships. If the former continues, you will likely look for men who treated you the same way as this boy did: with contempt, disregard and sexual assault nefariously cloaked in closeness, friendship and candy for favours. But if you understand what was really happening, you can ensure that you will never again be exploited by anyone, including the man who now allows you to sleep in the storeroom and is willing to pay for you to go to culinary school. You want him to be your father, but you are at risk for more exploitation by him because of your past.

See Part 2: I fear you're at risk... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 25, 2009
Part 2: I fear you're at risk...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Molly, kind and nice people do not expect favours, especially sexual favours, for their kindness. Kindness is from the heart. Kindness is about doing something nice for the other person without any personal agenda. Otherwise, it is not kindness, it's manipulation and control.

Everyone failed you, Molly: your mother, the police, the courts, the fosters, the system. Yes, we all need help along the way, but you've never gotten the help you need, so you might have difficulty discerning when someone is really trying to help you vs when someone is ultimately trying to take advantage of you. Be very wary of what this man really wants from you. Don't allow yourself to fall back into the same old pattern. You are worth so much more than that. You deserve dignity and respect. Start by giving it to yourself. Never allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

I wish you all the best in your culinary studies. Just remember, if you want something badly enough, you will find a way to get it WITHOUT selling yourself out in the process. Work hard, study hard, and hold tight to your self respect. You are strong and very capable. After all, you survived terrible abuse and rejection at every turn. Along the way, you learned to depend on yourself for your needs. Fall back on those lessons as you live your life, Molly. You don't need to give favours in order to get ahead in your life. You must believe that. You are WORTH believing that.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 25, 2009
If you can't settle everything--at least settle something...
by: Linda Settles

You have been through so much Molly. From your posts it is evident that you have tried--really tried, to make sense of your life. You've tried to resolve the pain of your past by a well known coping mechanism--one I know only too well for I have indeed found it useful in my own abused past--it is called minimization. When we can't stand to face the truth about how deeply wounded we have been, how exploited and misued we were, we often minimize our losses by comparing a terrible wrong to another wrong that seems even worse.

Let me ask you something hon, if you had a child and that child somehow got lost--so that you couldn't protect her, how would you feel about it if you knew that she would be exploited my a boy, or men, in the same way you were? Would you think kindly of the person who did that to your child? It would devastate you, wouldn't it? Well you are that child, Molly. You were lost at an early age--wandering in a loveless world that exposed you to predators who took advantage of your vulnerability. Protect that precious child, Molly. That child inside you--your heart and soul. She (you! Molly) is worth protecting.

You need help to get on your feet without further victimization, Molly. You will find phone numbers on this site that you can call to get pointed in the right direction.

Your choices are clear. You can keep depending of inappropriate relationships that place you in a position of vulernability-or you can seek help from organizations that are motivated by compassion and a sincere desire to give you a hand up-not a hand out.

I hope you make a positive choice, Molly. You can't settle everything from your past all at once--it will take time and lots of hard work. But you can settle something. You can face the truth that those who give in order to get--especially to get sexual favors--are not helping you, they are using you. Don't let them do it, Molly. You deserve better.


Apr 25, 2009
Your Mother is Troubled...
by: Anonymous

Molly, your mother is wrong. You are not ugly; you are not fat; you are not bad; you are not stupid. You are beautiful, smart, and kind. Your mother has lots of problems and she needs help. But so do you! I hope both of you tried counselling.

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