Comments for Child Abuse Story From Mike K

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Jan 15, 2010
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

As was the case with a contributor some time ago, the only reason I'm posting your story as it is is to share with my visitors (as distasteful as it is) what can often happen to children who are molested. You were victimized, and the repercussions of that victimization are very real. Your honesty about what you've been left with is disturbing, but commendable. I can answer your question with this: child molesters in the vast majority of cases have been molested themselves. You are not alone. But make no mistake, I will not allow any contribution on this site to turn into a place for pedophiles to post their fantasies. And trust me when I tell you that that is exactly what would happen if I wasn't monitoring every single comment. So don't expect to read much from others who are experiencing what you are experiencing; I will heavily scrutinize all posts to your story. My reputation and the integrity of this site depend on that. Not to mention how horribly disrespectful it would be to my visitors who have themselves been sexually molested. The residual you have been left with puts—and always will put—children at risk. That is a reality. For you to even be thinking about having children in my opinion is not only irresponsible, but reprehensible. What happened to you as a child was not your fault, but what you do in your adult years IS your responsibility. You need to always stay away from little girls. Period. That is a gift you could voluntarily give to every child. Although studies repeatedly show that therapy does not change the urges, I still strongly recommend you to seek out some form of counselling in order to properly deal with what you should never have had to deal with. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jan 15, 2010
by: Mike K

"For you to even be thinking about having children in my opinion is not only irresponsible, but reprehensible."

I am so sorry for giving the impression that I want to abuse children in any way. I never, ever want to, and I thought I made that clear. The experience has ruined my life and these feelings of attraction I seem to have are only physical. I hate them so much, I can't even imagine acting on them. Sure, I get anxiety attacks and worries based out of my negativity and self hate but I could never actually see myself doing anything at all. I respect children too much. What was taken from me was something I'll never get back and that will follow me forever.
I'm not trying to be a pervert and post fantasies and such... Look, I just wanted to tell someone about it without being made to look like a horrible person, which is exactly how it seems right now.
Perhaps I just want to believe that this doesn't make me who I am and that it's happened to other people. Maybe I just wanted someone to say, 'Wow, I know how you feel because the same thing happened to me and it's such a lonely feeling.' I'm not trying to organize some sort of a criminal operation. I don't want to connect with people who think abuse is a good thing!
Please understand that I don't condone abuse at all! I'm just so tired of feeling like what has happened to me has changed me so much I cannot hope for a normal life. Yeah, I'm looking for acceptance and validation, for someone to say 'You're not a bad person, this is apart from you.'

If you really think that it seems so much that I am a threat to children everywhere and I am a pervert trying to gain immoral support, then maybe you would feel better if you removed this whole story.
I just wanted to feel human and reach out for once. I'm not reprehensible or irresponsible.

Jan 15, 2010
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I don't hate you, Mike. You were sexually molested as a little boy. I feel heartbreak for you. I detest what happened to you. I also know that what you've been left with may be so strong that even your will to not abuse a child may not be enough. THAT is what I was responding to. While I appreciate that you believe yourself incapable of acting on your urges, the fact that you feel an attraction to little girls will always put little girls at risk. I feel very strongly about such risks, as I pointed out in my comments earlier.

As for taking offense at my other comments, I wasn't suggesting that you were somehow trying to organize pedophiles through your story. I'm sorry you thought that. What I'm saying is that pedophiles visit this site (there is nothing I can do to stop that) which is why I included the warning. But also to let you know in a round about way that if someone leaves a comment that I feel is inappropriate, I will delete it. I felt that you needed to know that because if you opted to be notified of any comments on your story, you would receive notification that a comment was there; and then when you clicked onto it you'd find it wasn't there. It's a flaw in the system that I can't do anything about, much as I've tried. So if you do receive notifications of comments and there are none (depending on what time of day they were left, it could take 12 or more hours to show up live), it's likely they were deleted by me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jan 15, 2010
Compassion Where it Is Needed
by: Anonymous

The world of sexual child abuse is closed off to the "normal" people of this world and understanding what it is like to be a victim or indeed a survivor is extremely difficult. I think you show courage and strength to speak of how you feel. It is this that will make you less of a threat to children as you are not a predetor. I hope and pray that through psychological work you can get to the route of your sexual problems and find a happy and healthy relationship. Nobody can go through childhood abuse and come out unscarred. Your scar is what you speak of, that should not be condemned. There may be a lot more men feeling the very same but haven't the strength to speak out. The effects of child abuse can be seen in so many ways, they are like big ugly shards of glass in a broken mirror. Too many to count the pieces and impossible to put back together as you once were before this happened. It will never be the same but life can be made better than it is now.

Bless you XXXX

Jan 16, 2010
Comments to Mike, and to his "monster"
by: Mark

My name is Mark. Please listen to me:
"Monster", I know the abuse made you take up residence in Mike, but I SWEAR to you, "monster", you will NOT continue to make him feel bad forever. I and others who care about Mike will continue telling him until he knows that he is a TERRIFIC guy, because he's going to refuse to listen to you. He'll fight you, I promise. And, oh boy, your days are numbered, because he'll win, I guarantee. One day, he's going to laugh out loud because the voices of people who love him and believe in him will drown yours out to the point where he can't hear you anymore. HA!
I'm talking to Mike now. Your "monster" lives in you, but he is NOT you. He'll try to trick you into thinking that you two are the same, but you aren't. Don't fall for that. Think about this a moment: if your "monster" didn't exist - if you had never been abused - you, Mike, would never consider hurting a child, right? So the two of you are not the same. I'm really sorry that you were abused, buddy, but you're are fighting to keep that "monster" in check. Good for you! My God, if all people who wanted to abuse children could fight their "monsters", even just to the extent you have, would we even have pedophiles anymore?
You're a hero, Mike. Hang in there. Stay as strong as I know you are. Other people have conquered their "demons", believe me you can - and WILL - too. By the way, your "monster" is not a huge, hulking beast, though it might feel like that; in reality, he's just a very small problem that doesn't even make up 1/100th of who you are. With help, professional and/or personal, I'm KNOW you'll best him, and live a happy, free life without him.
Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. If you've been looking for validation, sympathy, and comfort, I hope I've given it to you with open arms. Feel better, OK?
To my buddy Mike: I love ya, pal.

Jan 16, 2010
Re-assurance- Re-assurance A blessing.
by: maurice

Mike K well done for relating your tragig story on Darlene's site. As I sat here reading both Darlene's comments to you I said Thank You God. She is a great and wonderful steward of her site. genuine and sincere truly a caring woman with a big heart for all her visitors with a total professional approach in making her comments and in what she allows on her site. Thank You Darlene for re-assuring me and I am certain all of your many visitors who are so grateful for your site. Our stepping stone to healing from abuse. Mike K Thank you for re-asuring Darlene her site is most important for you and all her many visitors. A light in the Darkness of their (0ur) lifes, I sympatise with you where you have found yoursefl after being abused, The effects can have varied effects on each one who is abused. The effect is traumatic for you still but you will be fine. Get help, be ever so honest with a counsellor/therapist and yourself. You seem to be on the right track, you are a genuine and sincere Man/Human Being. You sure are a caring individual. Yes what sometimes happens in our childhood ever so innocently can have real effects in our after life if we allow them to control our thinking and being. It took you time to accept you were abused even though it seemed okay at the time. I would say but open to be coreected or educated That you are now one of the 90% who don't want to do to others what was done to them as children in abuse. The high percent I have become aware of who were spanked.corporally punished themselves never laid a hand or instrument on their children. Mike K Always believe in yourself. Read, read Darlene's comments over and over again until her caring heartfelt words to you sink in until they make the difference that you seek in your life. Be brave, stay strong and you'll be fine. You want to really love and have children of your own. Let your life naturally take it's course NOW.

Jan 24, 2010
its ok
by: Dottie

its ok, dude.
i am one of michael jackson's this is it dancers, and u know how everyone thinks he is a pedophile???
well, hes not. I'm not saying you shouldn't have those feelings, but I know what its like to be good friends who has a bad reputation.
Ok, I'll admit, Michael was never aroused by anybody; all the stories about him are lies and plays on the media. Your case is a little worse than his. But I accept you and I think that its great that you have come up and fessed up how you feel. Dottie loves you and blesses you with God's great love!!!

Jan 25, 2010
mike -
by: holly ; from new zealand.

there is NOTHING wrong with you!
its the thing inside you that makes you think like this. if you werent sexually abused you wouldnt think like this. there is something that makes you different from the rest of the pedos, you HAVENT acted on your feelings. they have, they have ruined their lives. you havent, you may think like them but not act like them.

Feb 18, 2010
Love Conquers All
by: Anonymous

Half of your battle is won is confessing these urges and bringing them out in the open. The other half is through realizing you ARE a person worthy of Love even though what you experienced drowned that out. There are so many men and women out there like you it isn't funny. Most of them are in hiding that is the difference. Look at the sex slave industry...who is fueling that? It is rampant in our world. Our sick world.

Because of what happened to me as a girl..i hate boys/men and have fanatized doing awful things to get my revenge. But I will never ever do it. I know it is wrong..I choose life instead of death. I choose learning forgiveness even if I can't forget..and I choose NOT to perpetuate that sickness by doing something horrid to some other innocent person. That would only keep the nasty cycle going. GET HELP right away. Don't let shame keep you in the dark where that MONSTER can make you FEED HIM with more dark thoughts and feelings. You are not alone in your are NOT alone. But please realize one thing..What we feed grows! So, don't feed that Monster..feed the good normal you that desires the best and you will receive it. God bless.

Feb 19, 2010
Your a winner over abuse: Blossom out .
by: maurice

Mike K, I am a winner over abuse, I still maybe need to talk and share with my counsellor to re-assure me. The awful effects after abuse linger on but you have dealt with the real thing. Now have a healthy mind in a healthy body about what you've achieved for yourself. You have great people around you Mike K. walk with them allow them to Love and Hug you. You'll be fine. Intergrate/mix with people who will keep you thinking positive about living your life to the full each day you jump out of your bed. Don't do yourself damage. You have received great support to Always believe in yourself from many visitors who read your story and left comment. Have courage, Don't quit. Ok.

Feb 19, 2010
by: Mike K

I want to thank you all for the support and compassion you've shown, I'm really overwhelmed and heartened by it.

One thing I can't get past though, is people are saying GET HELP, over and over, like I can just walk up to a kiosk at the mall and ask for directions.

Look, I don't know what sort of buddhist paradise you guys are from, but I can't tell anyone about this. I've trusted people in the past who were close to me, and in every situation it soured and completely backfired. People can't handle that information objectively. It changes the way they view me.

This isn't your normal victim circumstance, it's a backwards mutation where I am theoretically a threat for no reason but an attraction I can't control. (I can control my actions, though, so don't go nuts.)

'Professionals' are my worst enemy in this case. They're ordinary people just like myself, with stupid issues and past history, trained from a textbook, OBLIGATED to break client confidentiality under jurisdicted circumstances, which I am not altogether clear on and cannot risk saying the wrong thing and having it taken the wrong way by some presumptuous p***k.

What if some 'professional' has had a 'bad experience' with 'my type' and gets it under their nails to forego compassionate discretion? My experience with people in general has been one of overwhelming pettiness, immaturity and shallow 'human nature', and the people who are supposed to 'help' me in an unbiased manner are just as human as me and all the other pieces of s**t out there.

"Never tell anyone a secret, lest they become your enemy."

I can't trust anybody, guys. All it takes is one person to blow things out of proportion and I'm painted in a very bad way that won't wash off. It's bad enough to have to deal with this s**t I didn't sign up for. Being alienated by friends and family is bad enough -- I don't need 'professionals' pushing me around because they're convinced they know what's best for me.

I am an island; I see no alternative. If you find me to be deluded, please offer some hope.

Feb 20, 2010
You are not deluding yourself
by: maurice

The good will expressed in all the loving/caring comments are encouragements for you to ponder on. How you listen to your own heart is the depth you will value and appreciate the good will in wothrs whom you seek help from. I value you and respect you enough just to offer what I know helped me in my healing process. Darlene is a true professional, a caring woman who knows what an abused male/female is going through when they write their real/honest truthful details of the abuse perpetrated on them by selfish controlloing devious human-beings who thankfully are in the minority but large enough to rid society of. One abuse is one too many. My abuse was one too many for me. Mike K one has to be open to Love, Help from another when we seek it. That is why Darlene truly encourages each abused to get professional help as well as the help from family members and friends. There is a natural help available from those we trust called friend. Mike K you articualated your natural re-actions to our suggetsions of help. I am certain now that you will deepen your sense of your wonderful and beautiful self in that expression of your natural self back to us who actually love you from a distance. Have a healthy mind in a haealthy body. Always believe in yourself. As Darlene is always encouraging us, she only offers what she feels is good for each of her visitors but it is totally up to each one to freely act on it or not.

Feb 25, 2010
stepped out
by: Mike K

Ok, today I disclosed to a counselor I trust. I was very nervous, but she assured me, as you all have, that I'm not a deviant monster, just that my experiences have caused some adverse coping reactions that have no reflection on my true nature.

She said 'if you really were a horrible person, you wouldn't be here wanting to change these patterns, and you wouldn't be so loving and care so deeply about the people you've affected without meaning to'

She assured me that I'm not too broken to heal, to one day have children and a healthy romantic relationship, to actually live, and commended me on my courage for biting the bullet and talking about it.

"It's not uncommon for this to happen to abuse survivors. You're not alone, and you're still a wonderful, loving person. It's just a speedbump and it can be fixed."

Thank you to everyone here who heard my story and saw me for who I am beneath it, without judging me, and showed loving encouragement.

I am sorry if my assertions seemed biting and bitter and reproachful, I was very scared and self-hating and lashing out in pain.

You all helped provide me with the confidence I needed to reach out for healing. Thank you.

Perhaps I'll update this in a few months to reflect how I'm doing with healing.

♥ Love.

Mar 01, 2010
It is a mirror
by: Anonymous

Mike I don?t know if you will get this but it will make me feel better if by any chance you happen to stumble upon this and know that someone somewhere is literally going thru what your are going true, you see I don?t know if I was sexually abused as a child because I have a lot of ?holes? in my memory but I do know that I was and still am emotionally abused, for whatever reason I to am attracted to children (but not girls) you are not alone and beleve it or not your not the only person who is surprised by this the part that I knew exactly what you where talking about was this part.. ?pedophiles are the most universally despised people on the planet! absolutely anyone i know wouldnt hesitate to beat the s**t out of them if given the chance. I've had close friends describe what they'd do to these people and that they are sick f**** and deserve to be cut open alive, etc. I just had to sort of nod and agree, but I feel that I must be one of those sick f**** and I don't deserve anything better than to be murdered and wiped off the face of the earth and gotten rid of. I feel as if the entire world hates me and they just don't know it yet. I feel like just killing myself to put myself and anyone else out of risk but I'm too cowardly to?
Im not trying to say that I go around mosesting children, I try my best to avoid children in general but the only reason that I put this is to show you that your not alone and there is someone who knows exactly what your going thru.

Apr 15, 2010
Thank you and good luck, Mike
by: Alex

I just wanted to tell you that today is the first day I have stumbled upon this site and your story has been inspirational to me. I cannot explain how much my chest tightened seeing so great an amount of myself in your own words as you held your heart out here. Through respect for this sight and so as not to push for more than the singular exception of normal rule to post your story, I will not explain my own, but needless to say it is remarkably close to your own. I just wanted you to know that your strength has encouraged me to seek a counselor for my own residual baggage left from childhood experiences...experiences perhaps I will tell about on this site one day soon. Thank you for having the strength to do this and, by proxy, giving me the strength to find my own help. Good luck to you sir, and wish me my own as well.

Also, thank you Darlene, for having the open heart and mind necessary to give Mike, and myself, a place to start finding help.

Apr 16, 2010
''WoW'' great acknowledgement of This Site
by: maurice

Thank you Mike K. my believe and praise of you is not in vain, your story is sure inspirational. Alex is the benefactor of it as indeed are all of us who have read your story. Mike K walk tall, walk straight, walk the world right in the eye by living each day you wake up to the full. I hope you are having a healthy mind in a healthy body. Alex thank you: Darlene sure know her site is new beginnings for all her visitors. She truly is a visionary and special.

Apr 23, 2010
mike k
by: catherine

i dont think you are a horrible person mike. that boy who sexualy assaulted you is the reason. i believe if i came near you (i am 11) you wouldnt hurt me. i think you did the right thing going to a counselor. she was right. it is not bad for you to have kids. it may even help you being around them. i think you are helping kids by dealing with youre problems. maybe your mom should of helped you more.

Apr 24, 2010
unlearning myself - part 1
by: Mike K

This might help others in my situation. The last few months for me have been the darkest in my life. I've been digging up stuff that goes deeper than anything I'd have anticipated, and learning things about myself that I'd rather not have known. It's been unbelievably painful. I've thought I was insane.

It seems to me that a lot of the issue is anxiety. When my anxiety and confusion gets very high, then my issues regarding children are amplified. In moments when I'm not anxious at all, 98% I have no problems.
I've come to the idea that I've learned this tendency. One thing I do know is that when I'm anxious, 9/10 of what I see in a little girl is a sexual deception, and the resulting frustration and self hate worsen the anxiety.

It seems to me, that's all the sexual issue is, is confusion and deception. For me it's a question of relating. I can't relate to anyone over 12, I get frightened and confused. The only people I can understand and get along with are children, and so I feel close to them, they are comforting and 'real' and beautiful in their innocence.
I can't relate to women my age, and to boot, I have had disappointing and humiliating sexual experiences with them. Failure. Yet I'm a sexual being in an adult way, and my body has desires, so where do I look? In what I am comfortable with. I see the beauty of children and their innocence and my desire to relate to them as a child once again, and that becomes confused with arousal at the fact that as small as children are, they have sexual organs and pretty faces and smooth skin.
So, my body wants satisfaction, but my childish emotional mind wants love and companionship, and my intellectual mind confuses the two and tells me I'm a horrible person for becoming aroused at children.
When I'm not anxious, 9/10 of what I see when I look at a little girl is a charming, adorable bundle of life and love and innocence, and I can see myself having children and seeing nothing but purity in them, even in the most trying of situations like bath time, etc.

Lately, everything that I've come to identify with as Myself, and The World, has fallen away and I've become Nothing. It's been brutal. I've seen through my own deceptions and all the coping mechanisms I've been using, and I realize that who I've been acting as is not who I am. This includes my convincing myself that I'm a horrible pedophile.
I learned it. Deep down I wanted innocence and interpersonal connection, topically my body wanted sexual fulfillment, and I convinced myself I was a creep because the two seemed intertwined. But I'm not a creep. I'm a great guy. I'm pure and loving and compassionate.

[part II following]

Apr 24, 2010
unlearning myself (part II)
by: Anonymous

[continued from part I]
Children are beautiful, and in being childlike in nature, I have the most important qualities required to be the best daddy ever. My physiology of emotions+body is simply confused because it's short circuiting two separate issues together and coming out with a mutation.

I'm unlearning myself. I'm discarding what it means to be me, and trying again. It starts by getting at the root of my anxiety. When I constantly think I'm horrible, that's all I see, but when I stop *thinking*, then what remains is I see a cute kid and I smile.
I'm taking a certain homeopathic remedy called Gelsemium Sempervirens. They're little granules that you melt under your tongue, and I take them whenever I start feeling the anxiety and thoughts crowding me, and they recede and I see clearly.

I encourage you who read this and relate to me, to stop thinking of yourselves as pedophiles and creeps, and realize your body is being confused with your emotional desires and you're beating yourself up for it, all subconsciously.

Don't bother trying to convince yourself that your self-hating thoughts are lies. You'll always believe them as you're having them. Instead, work on finding calmness and peace, and the thoughts that say you're horrible will diminish. Then, hopefully you can see that there is a difference between your body's desires, and the beauty you see in the innocence of children. It's not the same thing. And although I still get aroused when I see a kid - even at the best of times - it's more like an old habit that I can see through and see that it's a lie, and it doesn't bother me as much.

I'm not 'cured'. Not yet. This will likely be a long road of de-conditioning, with times of regression and discouragement. All I know is one day I want to hold a child in my arms and shine with love and joy and have my silly sexual strugglings be a trivial thing of the past, in contrast to the beauty in front of me. I want it badly enough and I'm willing to even relinquish everything I thought I was, in order to build a new, amazing, beautiful Me.

Thanks to everyone who showed their support and love through this site. I hope the people who are in my position will be able to see the distinction between who they are, and who they've convinced themselves they are.

(The word right below the post box, that I have to type to enter this comment, is 'WAKEUP'. Delicious irony, yeah?)

I may update this page if there are any significant developments.

♥ =)

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E-book: Victim To Victory

From Victim to Victory
a memoir

How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life


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