Child Abuse Story From Michele

by Michele
(UK)

I am 41 with four beautiful children who I emotionally hide from. This is part of my legacy from a childhood I scarcely believe.
My mother was an alcoholic; my father an abuser on lots of levels and I was an only child.
From the age of six (I think) my life became one long endurance of being beaten; touched; left alone when parents went to the pub and so it went on. My mother and father eventually divorced and my mother's drinking became much worse. She tried to kill herself on several occasions and blamed me for causing her upset. One of her most notable parenting disasters was to move to a house with two devil worshippers and take me with her! Before we left she made me take the Satanic Bible!!! This is actually true. I cannot believe that a parent would harm a child in this way, but she did.
My father died in 1993 so I was never able to get him to repair the damage he had done via counselling.
Two weeks before my sixteenth birthday, I left my mother's house whilst she was drunk and never returned. It was never home and I would marvel at my friends' parents and how they loved their children and fed them properly.
My mother spent her benefits on lager (super strength) and then when totally drunk would beat me around the head, kick and not stop until I could get away from her.
On leaving home, I became an Escort/Prostitute to pay rent. Not great but at least I could now buy food.

As the years passed, I tried to rebuild myself.
Now I am simply a shell. I try so hard to make my children's lives what they should be. But I feel only guilt and shame. I managed to go to university and have a successful career but inside I feel empty. People think I am confident but I am painfully shy and would rather hide away. If I had a choice I would probably live as a recluse.
My mother will never allow herself to accept what she has done via neglect and abuse. Perhaps I should try and leave this but it is very hard.
I recall telling my husband about one of these incidents and adding that my mother should have had an abortion. He cried.
I often wonder what I would have become if my parents had actually loved me. I don't suppose I will ever know.
Thank you for allowing me to share this and I hope one day to find out who I really am.
Michele

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