Comments for Child Abuse Story From Mary4 Part 8

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Nov 30, 2011
Mary:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Good for you for making your mother accountable. If you're going this route, just understand that no matter what, you know the truth. Don't expect much in the way of justice, otherwise it could start tailspinning you. I wish you all the best...love, light and positive energy being sent your way, Mary. Thank you for sharing more of your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir


Dec 01, 2011
...
by: Anonymous

Mary, I'm glad that you started to look into reporting your so-called mom as well because sex offenders don't stop offending until they're made to stop, since she might be offending other little girls as well. Again, good luck on holding her accountable.

Dec 03, 2011
nude beaches, photographs...
by: My Two Cents

What you're comfortable sharing is fine. I realize how hard it is to write these things, to relive them through your memories, and if you re-read your original stories and the comments...all of that takes incredible courage.

I am noticing more and more people (males & females both) writing and posting stories about their abuse at the hands of women. I think the more discussion, the more awareness that first, women can be abusers, and two, that it is abuse. It doesn't matter that the abuser didn't have a penis. She still committed abuse.

Photographs/Pornography

Most abusers use pictures of their victims to relive the abuse. They want to hold the pictures and stare at the boy or girl in the photo while they masturbate and relive the memory. They also use the photographs to recruit other children. If your mother ever got access to another girl and began to abuse her girl, she could use the photos to show her that other girls do it, for example, and overcome some of a victim's resistance.

Anyways...seen in that light, "well hidden" is relative. Mother needs the photographs available to her, it is a compusion that she would have to follow.

I am going to assume that the types of photographs mother took of you (and others) featured your buttocks and vaginal areas prominently and I also expect mother would have directed you to put on a cheerful and happy facial expression?

If those photographs ever were found - for example if you searched at home and found some - you could take them to the police or child welfare because they are photographic evidence of a crime that was committed against you. They would go a long way towards proving your mother is a child abuser. I'm also sure that given mother's perchant for chatting up complete strangers and trolling the net for random strangers to discuss (I assume) her abuse of you and to share ideas (again, assuming) about abusing kids, a sex crimes detective could track this down and use the information to expose her and hold her accountable.

I don't know if you want to go the route of reporting mother but I hope I've given you some things to think about.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Jan 01, 2012
some research....
by: My Two Cents

I have continued to be really disturbed by your story & I kept turning it over in my mind. U wrote in 2009 that you were 19, and that this started when u were 6/7 & lasted til u were 10 or so. U're born in 1990, the abuse u remember starts in 1995 or 1996 & goes on until 1999?

This is an era where there is tremendous public awareness of child abuse. There are professional development days for doctors, nurses, teachers, and social workers for example. There are after school specials on tv, there are tons of books, in fact Marvel comic book company put out a comic book spotlighting child abuse featuring Spider-Man and Power Pack.

In that environment, not only was your mother hurting u, but she wasn't hiding it! I really don't mean to be so repeative but that fact, that she was so bold just boggles the mind. I keep asking myself, how on earth is that possible? It's really starting me wondering if there might have been some reports to child welfare which were dismissed because she's a female? Sadly, I think it's easier for me to believe that, that the reports were not taken seriously, than to believe that nobody reported this.

On to some info.

With google, I found one academic article which I think is titled, "mother daughter sexual abuse: a theory of loss" - this is the only article I have seen which appears to be trying to explain why some women do this to their kids. Unfortunately, all I have is the title. I wasn't able to get the actual article. I have no idea if it is any good in terms of "helping" u to understand what your mother did. If u google, u should find the same info. There is also a textbook out about working with female sexual offenders that will show up on google if you search for it.

I hope you check back and see the info. I really appreciate the fact that you are raising awareness of female sexual predators. I hope that contributes to saving other girls from being hurt.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Jan 01, 2012
child pornography and liability
by: My Two Cents

My initial post was too large, so split it in two.

Another piece of news, apparently some child abusers make child pornography and share it online with other child abusers. There are apparently collections of photographs of various victims/survivors such as "the Missy" series and "the Vicky" series. These photographs are highly prized and sought out by collectors. Anyways, Vicky/Missy (not their real names) have gotten Congress (or an American court) to pass a law that basically says that if u view their images, u are liable and have to pay them financial damages.

The gist of it seems to be that the court is holding the abusers, the producers of the child pornography, and the viewers all criminally responsible for participating in the sexual abuse that went into the production of the pornography. I definitely like that trend.

If someone views an image of a victim/survivor being masturbated by his/her abuser, that viewer is also participating in the abuse and s/he should be held responsible for it. I think the criminal courts draw a distinction between the severity of the abuse, saying that the person that is physically, hands on sexually abusing you is more criminally responsible for hurting you than the person who stares at a photograph of you ten years later and masturbates to it, but they still need to be punished so they are going after them financially.

Now, if your mother shared videos or photographs of you online, which from what you've written I suspect she did, you have another avenue to hold people responsible for the harm you suffered, if you choose to go the route of reporting things.

So....I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with info/comments. Your story has just really bothered me a great deal. It continues to really confuse and upset me that abuse this severe could have gone unnoticed.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Jan 24, 2012
Thanks two cents
by: Mary

My two cents,
I read in one of those links you gave that abuse by a mother usually starts and ends between 0 and 6 yrs old. My first memory is at 7 and it felt like it was the first time. After reading the article I wonder if maybe she was caught or reported and stopped and then started again once we moved out to the country and I was pulled from school. I really don't remember. Makes sense since there was a couple of girls 3 and under that mother was with. I do know that although I was stripped on the beach for clothing change and made to remain naked for a time it didn't make anyone voice a complaint. Having my underwear off at the park and other places was easily explained as she must have forgotten them. If they didn't say anything or object I would just play and expose myself. Its what she wanted. Mother wasn't all bad, she fed me didn't beat me, I had plenty of toys. She dominated me though and used me daily for sex, even if all I did was stand there for her to look at while she masturbated. I've read stories where kids were starved, beaten, and other things. I still think I came out ok. Thanks for the links, I could not watch the one show on you tube where she is in front of other people, kind of hit to close to home and I lost it. Sorry I didn't write sooner, busy you know.

Jan 26, 2012
Just another thought
by: Mary

After I wrote that I thought about it for a while. I doubt that mother ever was caught. In this state they cps department will let parents kill you before they do anything. Just recently a 9 yr old girl was starved and beaten for years until she finally died. Newspaper reported that many calls had been made to cps but nothing was ever done. Here is a child that is losing weight goes to school with bruises etc and nobody does anything. So I doubt that she was ever caught. Why I remember nothing before the move to the country I have no idea. I don't believe that mother just got it into her head one day to do that, as far as I know it started right after I was brought home from the hospital. The stories of children being starved and beaten are just to much. I was not hurt that way. I wanted to please her so I willing did what she wanted. Maybe a little reluctance or resistance but never refusal. She told me I was pleasing her and that's what I wanted to do. You other people I feel so sorry for you. Be strong. 50 cents thank you keep fighting for us.

Jan 26, 2012
follow up
by: My Two Cents

Mary4,

I have a couple of comments which I want to preface by reminding you up-front, I have the luxury of not being emotionally involved in this situation, and I do have a degree in social work. I do know what child abuse is.

Your mother may have been the kindest, most caring woman in the world to stray dogs and unemployed Americans, but she was also a woman who repeatedly made the evil decison to abuse you sexually and to use you for her own sexual graficiation. She furthermore allowed strangers to hurt you as well apparently so she could watch.

Let me ask you....suppose I put a gun to your head and tell you to perform a sexual act....you are forced, correct?

Suppose your mother says to you, "Mary, mommy needs you to do....you want to make mommy happy, don't you?". As a child, I would argue that's a form of force, emotional blackmail. If your mother sensed you were starting to resist, all she has to do is add something like, "mommy loves you because you love mommy. If you don't do x or y, mommy won't love you anymore."

I don't see any difference between the two, especially not when the person involved in the second example is the person that feeds you, provides a home, clothing, and toys. To a child, the person in the second example is all powerful. I hope Darlene also comments because she has a much, much better way of phrasing things than I do.

With regards to people reporting seeing you nude on the beach/park, you wrote "I would play & expose myself, it's what she wanted." If all you did was play in a sandbox with a shovel while naked, I will admit I might have thought to myself, maybe the family are nudists or something. But if you were intentionally flashing your vagina at all the other adults and children, such as by laying back with your legs spread widely, a lot of alarm bells would have rung in my head. And it should have rung in other people's heads as well especially if they saw you nude regularly.

The YT link I provided, I assume you mean, "Who will love me?" I actually did not realize it was the whole video. I thought the link was to a commercial clip for the real video. I'm glad you were able to take a look at the resource, and I understand it can be triggering. That's the beauty of a video resource - you can watch as much or as little as you want.

Mary4, please don't compare your situation to other people's. Abuse is abuse. It takes diffirent forms - sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, and neglect - but in each and every case a child is being hurt. What's important is the effect the abuse had/has on the child being abused. People cope in different ways. You seem to think that you turned out ok. I hope that's the case.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Jan 26, 2012
Abusers, why....
by: My Two Cents

Why do abusers abuse? If I or anyone else knew the answer to that...

If it helps, I can tell you what needs to happen for the abuser to abuse. This is known as Finkelhor's model.

3. They have to have access to the child. The more severe the abuse, the more secure they need their access to be. Take the example of a 3 year old boy who is bathed by his mom. Mom has the opportunity to abuse him under guise of washing his privates. So does a babysitter, but the mother usually has more opportunities for abuse and for longer.

4. The abuser has to overcome the child's resistance, especially as the abuse becomes more severe and painful. "If you love daddy, you'll suck his snake and make it hard" or at the other extreme, "suck it or I'll whip you til you can't sit down!".

2. The abuser has to make a concious decision to abuse a child. Some abusers lower their inhibitations through drug or alcohol use, others view pornography before abusing, and still others fantasize about what they will do to the child.
I truly believe it is rare for anyone to just get the idea to go and do *this* one day, totally out of the blue; UNLESS they are a complete sociopath (or is it psychopath?) I fully believe there is always a reason, a reason that the abuser uses to justify their actions.

1. There is a person who wants to abuse.

(I wrote initially from memory, out of order, then looked it up and wrote down the correct # sequence from the model)

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Jan 26, 2012
CPS, child welfare
by: My Two Cents

With regards to CPS, I do understand that there are never enough resources - social workers, therapists, foster homes, investigators, etc - but I also understand that people CHOOSE to do the job. They applied, they go to work everyday and collect a paycheck. If they don't have the resources to do the job, they need to leave until the resources are there. As it stands, social workers are forced to make choices like this:

Do I provide preventative counselling to this family to help them deal with their child with oppositional defiant disorder, before they start physical punishment; which probably will become physical abuse?

Or

Do I find a foster home for a pregnant 14 year old who was raped by her "dad"?

It's like a fire department having to choose between putting out a fire or educating people on fire safety and fire prevention. In the ideal world, you could do it all. The focus is on crisis intervention all too often and then little situations that were not crisises flare up into crisises sometimes because of the lack of preventative measures.

Now, that said, in order for CPS to do something, they have to be informed. If nobody calls them....well;

There are a lot of stories in here, I vaguely recall one where a male teen living in the Carolinas (I think) mentioned being beaten with a baseball bat. My comment in that story was along the lines of, "You live in a warmer area. You're not wearing a winter parka and ski pants to school. How is it that nobody noticed you're bruised, have black eyes, broken bones, walk with a limp, and ....? What, do you compete in full contact UFC fights? It doesn't take a professional social worker to know something's wrong here."

There are also stories in here where CPS acted and the outcome was positive. Sometimes in the stories people post, this does not get the attention it deserves. It might be three sentences in a 3,000 character post, not really a lot.

If you want to get an idea of what a CPS investigator does, look at the book, "Tender Mercies: inside the world of a CPS investigator" by Keith Richards (the social worker, not the rolling stone). I think it was published in 1992?

Be well.

My Two Cents.

Aug 19, 2012
why do women abuse.....
by: My Two Cents

I found an Austrialian researcher (autism) by the name of Donna Wlliams who is a survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse. She's apparently written articles on the subject that are referenced on a blog she posted on the topic.


I feel she's bang on in the reasons she gave for why women sexually abuse. When I read her writing, it was like a light went on. I was able to make a lengthy post (3 or 4 parts) to another survivor because something she wrote just came together with my own thoughts and clicked.

I really hope this isn't a case of "wanting to see it so bad" that I made it "appear".

Anyways, she's an autism researcher, Austrialian and she's got a blog about mother daughter sexual abuse. I hope it's helpful.

Be well.

My Two Cents.

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From Victim to Victory
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How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

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