Comments for Child Abuse Story From Mark2

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Feb 10, 2010
Mark:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I'm glad you've found a therapist you can work with. First and foremost, having been on my site for a couple of months, you must realize that I would NEVER permit visitors to leave you comments that would be unkind. Secondly, you were abused. What this boy did to you was way beyond innocent child exploration. It's what is called child on child sexual abuse. And what you endured afterward set in motion a tailspin of emotions: the purposeful systematic breaking down of all your friendships, the bullying, etc. Thirdly, the "statutory rape laws" are more far complex than what you stated. For one, the perpetrator must be a certain number of years older (in most places, the offender must be of the age of majority and the victim must be a minor child). A male-on-female sexual assault by two 11-year-olds would not constitute statutory rape because neither were of the age of consent. And not all places have statutory rape as part of their criminal codes. More and more are recognizing that male-on-male sexual assault is sexual assault. The challenge is that historically, males have not openly talked of their assaults because of the deep shame (unwarranted, of course), fear of being judged, societal expectations of male roles, possible gender role confusion (especially when the male was assaulted by a female), confusion over sexual orientation (especially when the victim experienced an erection and/or an orgasm which is perfectly natural when a young male is scared, anxious or nervous), plus a host of other reasons. More males are beginning to speak out, like you, Mark. And that will result in changes, as slow as they may be to occur.

But I would be remiss if I didn't point out another fact: children who molest other children were themselves sexually assaulted somewhere along the line. That does not mean that your resulting pain is any less valid or real. It does offer up an explanation. "Todd" was one severely troubled young man who went on to inflict sexual, physical and emotional harm. If he didn't get a very specific kind of professional help, he has likely become an adult offender.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 10, 2010
Thanks for having the courage
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are right, it is not your fault. You were young. When i was about 6, my friend and i were hanging out with an older kid from our neighborhood, though he was only about 8. We thought he was so cool and looked up to him. So one time he told us he wanted to play truth or dare and he dared us to take off our clothes. (we are both girls so my story is a little diff) but I remember I was uncomfortable but i didn't really understand or know any better. He made us do different inappropriate dares. I thought it was ok, and i blamed myself for a while for feeling uncomfortable. I never told anyone about this ever. I am scared they will blame me or ask me why i didn't tell them earlier. But you did a really brave thing telling your story. Thanks. Hearing stories like yours make me stronger that maybe i will be able to tell someone someday too. Hang in there and stay strong! I am very happy you have a good therapist too :)

Feb 10, 2010
Thank you, Darlene and Anonymous
by: Mark

Darlene - thank you for your kind words, and for the validation of abuse. Now you know why it took me so long to write my story. I'm STILL not entirely convinced that it was abuse (though a few people I know have confirmed it), because I can't find a law that proves it. But I'm working on convincing myself. Maybe I'm just a little ahead of society in trying to recognize it.

Anonymous - thank you for sharing your abuse as well. That was courageous; believe me, I know. I felt better after writing about my experience. Do you think you could tell yours? I promise I'll read it and write kind and comforting words back to you.

Thank you both again,
Mark

From Darlene: You're so welcome, Mark. But there is something I want to address in your comment above. Just because there isn't a law doesn't mean that abuse didn't take place. Those in the field recognize what happened to you IS indeed abuse. But this isn't about laws and labels. What is more important than anything is recognizing that you were assaulted (I have a page on this site dedicated to that kind of abuse at child sex offenders), that you have had to deal with the repercussions, and that you need help in dealing with those repercussions.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 10, 2010
thank you
by: boy

mark i've seen you give encouraging words to others on this site and its helped me more than you know. it gives me such hope to see that someone can come from a situation as devastating as yours and become such a kind and inspiring man. what happened to you was immensely cruel and unfair to say the very least. i'm sorry you had to go through that but i'm very glad that your strength has allowed you to become the person you are today.
thank you for being you!

Feb 11, 2010
The good you have done by telling your story
by: Maurice

Mark 2. Today after all of my 63 years I learned more about the innocence of children in every generation slowly became a cause of concern, so much so you telling your story at a time when Society is adapting it Laws to call it abuse. I never knew there was such a possibility of a child on child abuse. I know today many children and adolecents are playing with fire and all the under age sex that is going on a round me and the world today. Only yesterday in my local paper I read that there is more and more of it being highlighted to the Law. The police are putting it down as lack of eduactaion and the easier access by young people of pornograpic sites. Stangely it is no longer innocenece among children/teenagers. Mark 2. You are much younger man then me what Todd did to you none of my generation would even think about that. Oh yes, I too romped around ever so innocently with local neighbours children my own age in secret from time to time. Basically just undressing and chasing each other in the hay and the tree's in the woods. nothing more. When I went to boarding school the senior boys did more serious stuff to me. Again I just regarded it as innocenct play that went on in the school. I was ignorant of the workings of my body and the facts of life. I am ever so sad for you that you met a child molester, a bully, turning your friends against you was the pits. You sure brought the best from Darlene in her comment to you. I equally learned alot from her comment. Thank you Mark 2. Know Mark 2 arriving on Darlene's safe Haven for the abused is your saviour. Now with your own honest apraisal of yourself, for being so brave in realting and telling your story is will evoke new beginnings feeling for you. To live the Now time of your life more positevly, constuctively, so that you slowly get YOUR life back into Normal, natural being again. Don't blame yourself. Have a healthy mind in a healthy body. Begin to live your life to the full. You are gifted, articulate, highly intelligent, nobody's fool. Think Positive, act Positive, be positive in all you do and say about yourself and for your self from this day on. Look in the mirror, see that hulk of a man. Believe in that me that is looking back at you. Get out and about, Take part in team sports, in cultural groups. Your one big boy now, Don't feel inferior to anyone. Be true to yourself, your chosen few friends and your Family. Just be you, you wanted to tell your story for a reason. To be free of your past I would say could be one reason. You have real friends and Darlene NOW to give you real love in wanting what is best for you NOW. Live well, laugh alot, love much, I can do it, I will do it, I must do it, Why? because I am worth it.

Feb 11, 2010
Mark...
by: FJ

Mark, you seem like a really intelligent person and it is a shame that negative occurrences at school have stopped you from pursuing a career in teaching. I really felt this paragraph of your story, because being bullied at school has deprived me from experiencing social interactions that most other people take for granted. I get angry very easily; I?m bitter and paranoid.

I know that it is stopping me from doing things in life that I really want to do.

I feel sad that things have turned out this way for you.

I wish you luck, and I?m sorry. A lot of the time I feel angry at others for no reason, but at heart I just want to love people and trust people. I think if you don?t take risks, and you don?t put your faith in things, then you will never know what happiness is. I wish you could find someone that proved you wrong about everything, that you knew you could trust. Maybe even someone you could fall in love with and know that everything was okay.

Take care along the way.

Feb 11, 2010
To Boy, Maurice, and F.J.
by: Mark

Where were all of you when I was growing up?

That's not a joke. EVERYONE hated me in junior high and high school. I was not even mentioned in my junior high yearbook, and I haven't even been invited to my high school reunion (not that I would attend anyway, but it would have been nice to have at least been invited).

Years after high school, all I saw around me was the attitude of "This is MY life; I can do whatever I want!" or "Take all that you can, when you can." or (forgive my language here) "Screw or be screwed." I feel so out of tune with these notions; it makes me feel different from everyone else (as if I didn't already).

My family kept telling me that there were nice, decent, compassionate, caring people out there - I just had to find them. Well, I think I finally have. You are all helping to dispel my beliefs that people just don't care...about anything.

I just have to ask: are you all angels? Or does it just take traumatic events to create caring, unselfish people these days? I'm not sure, but I rather favor the first theory. You are certainly all angels to me.

To my friend, Boy: I REALLY appreciate your sympathy and kind wishes. You are a good person to feel my pain and write comforting comments. Thank you, buddy. I'm really grateful.

To my friend, Maurice: I've seen your comments to others on this website, and I want to applaud you for responding to so many people, and I'm sure Darlene is grateful, too. It saddens me when I see an abuse story that only got a response back from Darlene. It makes it seem as if she was the only one who cared. But I feel better knowing that we can always count on you to give sage responses to everyone here. Thank you.

To my friend, F.J.: I feel equally sad that things turned out bad for you too, buddy. I wouldn't wish my (or your) experiences on my worst enemy. And you wrote that you wished I could find someone whom I trust to prove me wrong about my misconceptions. Well, I trust you, F.J. So...thank you. I'll try to recognize my misconceptions for what they are. I promise. Thanks again, good buddy.

To Darlene - I apologize for the length of my comments. This one may be longer than my original story! I just want to tell everyone here how much I care about them, and a few words just don't seem to do that for me. Sorry.
By the way, I think you're right that "Todd" was abused before he got to me. I suspect his older brother; he was a bully with a mean temper, and used to put Todd through the most humiliating experiences. It wouldn't surprise me if sexual abuse had been one of them.

With deepest love for all of you kind, caring angels,
Your most solemn friend,
Mark

Feb 12, 2010
Mark and other visitors:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Firstly, thank you for your heartwarming appreciative words, Mark.

Secondly, I must point out something that is very important for all visitors to this site. There is never any guarantee that someone will write a comment to a person who has shared their story here. And that includes me. There are so many times that I cannot offer a comment because there just aren't enough hours in the day and/or I can't keep up. That doesn't mean I don't care; it just means that I'm a human being. Over the past several months I've had to seriously consider shutting down the comments feature on this site, and yes, even the submissions feature, because it has taken on a life of its own; one that I am ever pressed to try and balance with my own life. At any given moment, no matter how many stories I have posted, I have another 12 - 20 in queue. Some I must delete, most I publish, but I must read every single one of them. There is a tremendous time commitment on that alone.

I recognize that at this stage of my site, especially since it's been in operation now for almost 6 years, that there is an expectation of support by way of comments. But the purpose of this site and the sharing of stories was always intended as a place to finally disclose what so many have never before been able to disclose. Now that I've had the ability to put comments onto each and every story, commentary, article, etc., it has changed the dynamics of the site into something completely different. And while I love the interactiveness, the supportive and validating nature of the site, there will come a time when it will no longer be possible for me to offer comments. And when I don't offer comments, that seems to be a cue for others not to offer any either. Even those who offer comments regularly feel that it is okay to pressure me into commenting, which is not fair to me as a human being.

What I'm really saying in all this is that just because no one leaves a comment doesn't mean that they don't care. The value in the story is in recognizing that the person reading it will gain something from it (perhaps finally disclosing what happened to them or realizing that they are not alone), and the person writing it is finally able to share what has often never before been shared. This site, or any site, can only hope to be a catalyst for healing, not necessarily a place to heal, much as I wish that were possible.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 21, 2010
You are so brave!
by: melissa

Hey Mark2,
I read your story and I too have a similar one. Thank you for telling yours, it really helps me confirm what I already knew to be true. I was molested by a girl I knew who was only a year older than me at the time. I was thirteen years old, and she did take my virginity as well. This sent my lust for sex on a path of destruction.I really appreciate your story and maybe you should pursue a law against this type of abuse and go after the family members who most the times are the abusers who are creating these young abusers. Thanks again for your story. God Bless you and please don't be fearful of people. God did not put a spirit of fear on us because fear causes torment. Heal your wound and forgive yourself right now. Jesus wants you whole and well and to be a light in a dark world and make a difference because of this evil to turn it into some good to help others, in all the while help heal you!!! Love you in Christ, do not allow the devil to keep you in fear, it is irrationally, and no one can hurt you anymore unless you let them. Most the time people don't even know how easily you can be hurt, only the devil, people are just who they are and until they understand how hurtful thier behavior is, they don't even know they hurt you. YOu are a child of the Most High God, and if you have accepted Jesus into your heart to be Lord of your life, He is your protector now! You have nothing to fear, Greater is Jesus Christ that is in you, than the devil who is in the world to use people to hurt you. God Bless you, Now get up, and rise above this feeling of fear and seek the Lord for answers in what to do next in your healing process. Read the bible and start with the book of John. God loves you more than our understanding can even fathom, and just as much to protect you. Get up and go after your healing in Jesus. Your to valuable to let the devil win with this.God wants to show His love to you through people,so don't allow the devil to tell you lies concerning your fear of them. Yea, Jesus is coming soon, be prepared in your heart!

Mar 01, 2010
move on and enjoy your life to the fullest
by: andrea

you know, any abuse is awful. yours is still abuse. my older brothers friend did it to me when i was 12. i have a big mouth and told anyone who would listen. it was taken care of but not by police or anything like that. my brother handled it because he felt guilt. i recovered fine from it and you should try to move on and enjoy your life. that was one person. not everyone is bad or a chold abuser. try to enjoy life for what its worth. i have a 7 year old now and a great boyfriend. never thought it would happen and were thinking of having our own child. stayin in and being scared makes that awful kid win. you need to rise fromt that and not short yourself on happiness.

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this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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From Victim to Victory
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