Comments for Child Abuse Story From Lucy

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May 07, 2009
Part 1: Your brother...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Lucy, the issues with your brother are beyond what I can possibly provide within the confines of this space. I can only offer a few things. You can't live your brother's life. You are not responsible for him. You cannot even try to tell him who his friends will or will not be. You can only be there for him if and when he reaches out to you. And if he does reach out to you, it is imperative that you not compare yourself to him or in any way discredit what he has endured. The choices he's making for himself are extremely destructive, and ARE a direct result of what your parents put him through. They created the very thing they were trying to avoid. As long as your parents refuse to understand this, your brother IS headed for trouble, life-threatening trouble. The crowd he has turned to is his substitute "family"; the family he never had; the family that accepts him as he is; the family that he is willing to do just about anything to please, which puts him at great risk for further harm.

The fact that you beat him when the two of you were younger does not put you in the best position to reach him now. That's not a judgment, Lucy, that's a fact. Perhaps if you were to have a heart to heart sit-down with your brother and offer a genuine apology for the way you mistreated him would help to establish or re-establish a bond. An apology that includes an acknowledgment of how those beatings truly affected him: for example, the one person (you) he thought he could turn to for comfort was purposely hurting him. You see, Lucy, even if he wasn't getting beaten by your father at the time, he WAS beaten by you, a sister he loved, a sister who betrayed him, AND he was witnessing the beatings you received. Witnessing can be more damaging to the psyche than actually receiving the beating. Again, I'm not passing judgment. I applaud that you had the courage to admit your wrongdoing. You are now a mature young woman who understands the errors she made as a child, an abused child. What I'm really saying is that admitting this within the safety of this site is one thing. But it will take a great deal more courage to admit this to your brother. If you really want to help him (I believe you do, I can tell you love him), this might be the place to start, the place to start building trust. Maybe then he will be more willing to hear you.

See Part 2: What those beatings REALLY taught... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 07, 2009
Part 2: What those beatings REALLY taught...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The beatings your father endured as a child have turned HIM into a beater, a child abuser. He is twisted in his thinking (and so is your mother). Their motives do not excuse what they did to their children. They don't "get" that they are responsible for turning your brother into the person he is today. As long as they don't "get it", your brother's life is in danger.

Beatings do not dissuade a child from doing wrong or harmful things; beatings turn the child into a hateful, hostile and self-harming person. The beatings turned YOU, Lucy, into a self-harming person. Don't for one second think that it was solely the emotional abuse that led you to cut yourself and want to take your own life. The beatings reinforced your self-destructive thoughts and actions.

You and your brother have dealt with the abuse very similarly: friends, drugs, self-destructive behaviours. Like you said, "I feel like I'm looking at myself but worse." You also said, "My brother tells me he wishes he was never born and wants to die". His choices are self-harming, and based on where he's headed with his "friends", his choices are in effect suicidal. You, Lucy, did the same: self-harmed by cutting and you actually tried to commit suicide. This puts you in the position of true understanding. But in truth, neither of you really want to, or wanted to, die; both of you wanted—want—to be out of pain.

Your parents ARE still abusing him, even if neither of them beat him. He is being emotionally abused by both of them, and now possibly neglected by your father. By my calculations, your brother is 15 years old. Your parents are still responsible for him. Even if you report to CPS what they are doing and have done to your brother, at his age and given the crowd he has become involved with, chances are he will remain in trouble. In other words, Lucy, I don't know that you CAN help him. Your parents have to step up. If they continue as they are, they are pushing him into the arms of his "friends".

But you need help. Please consider some form of counselling for your own emotional residue. If your brother sees that you are making strides dealing with your own stuff, perhaps he'll consider making healthier choices for himself.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me, and I wish you and your brother all the best.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 07, 2009
Monsters for parents
by: Francine

Lucy, your parents are wrong. You and your brother are not stupid nor worthless, you are not crazy, neither of you are to blame; your parents are really to blame and they need help. But you both need help, too. Have you and your brother tried counselling yet? What your parents did to you guys is abuse. I'm so sorry.

May 08, 2009
At 21 your life is in your own hands. LOving words in the comments will begin your healing process.
by: Maurice

Oh Lucy you mention your Asian Culture back ground abuse is a very human thing very little of faith or cultural backgrounds can be given as a reason for abuse. Sadly though in many a person life situation because of such backgrounds abuse happens. Oh you poor child of your culture beatings seems to be the only way a percent of Parents knew to discipline and teach their children right from wrong. No child of the Universe or God deserves the beating s they received at the Hands sadly in the majority of situations from the Father. Real loving Parents of whatever Faith or cultural background never use beating as the way to teach their children right from wrong. 75% of the parents I've met who have shared their life's story with who were beaten by their Father's have not gone on to beat their children. I'm not going to rear my children they way I was reared. Again sadly your father did not go against his Parents and continued beating you and your brother. He abused you in all those beating Lucy. While leaving physical marks on you he also marked you emotionally. That is where Darlene takes over. Please Lucy take heed of her caring loving heartfelt words of support and advice. As you were so brave to share your story with her and her very special visitors I know you can be brave for yourself now and get help. I'm not saying that will be easy for you, take one step at a time and one day at a time building up your self worth/esteem and you'll begin to love the beautiful person you are now at 21 years. Letting go will take you time Lucy. Say I can do it, I will do it, I must do it for myself. I think if you share lovingly with your brother he will understand you and why you beat him. You knew no better at the time as you thought is was the right thing for you to do. Lucy, you have a loving caring brother of your own flesh and blood. He will see the light and won't go down the road of your Father. Lucy, your beatings had nothing to do with your self worth or self esteem. Your one very complete woman, articulate to express your story on Darlene's site. You have found a Haven of Trust by being part of her big heart and trusting visitors to her site. All feel your pain especially those of us who were beaten.

Jun 01, 2009
Put Yourself First
by: Rhianna

Hi Lucy,

My heart bleeds for what you had to go through. You and no-one else deserves this sort of treatment - being treated worse than a dog. Just think of it, if an animal were being treated in the ways you describe, someone would call an agency to come and rescue it. Sadly there was no-one there to rescue you.

Now you have to be your own best friend and rescue yourself. Put yourself first. Yes you feel responsible for your brother and the family, but how much impact you could really have there is unclear. I'm not sure how much you would be able to help your brother realistically. As for your parents, it is possible that they are not ready/able/willing to be helped... and I suggest that you are not the person they all need to turn to anyway.

As Darlene suggests, you could try to apologise to your brother. However, you are not responsible for him. I do not think you should be blamed for the behaviour you describe towards your brother. You were clearly acting that way because you had been brutalised yourself and were traumatised. In addition, you were not yet a fully fledged adult at that stage. Do you think that if you had been treated kindly you would have beaten your brother? I seriously doubt it!

Often when we have been abused we may feel responsible for rectifying the situation and/or for healing others. You and/or others may be casting you in a the role of rescuer. However, I think that your role should really be that of Nurturer - to yourself! I think you've got enough to deal with just looking after yourself. The only person you are truly responsible for is yourself. That is the most important task at hand. You put yourself first and look after yourself and let others be responsible for themselves, as they should be.

In your message you do not really say what sort of a situation you are in now. Are you safe, do you have supportive people around you, are you in a good housing situation, do you have a job, are you still taking drugs, are you self-harming?

I hope that you are not engaging in behaviours that end up victimising and punishing yourself further, e.g. drugs, alcohol, self-harm, abusive relationships etc.

I hope and pray that you learn to put yourself first, be very kind to yourself and that you will be guided to all you need to grow in strength, self-esteem and love for yourself.

I think that you are already a strong and courageous woman to have survived as you have. You deserve all the best life has to offer and I hope you get it. You are still young so you have your life ahead of you.

Maybe one day when you have progressed further in your healing journey you might be able to use your experiences to help others. You have learned a lot from that terrible time and there is nothing as powerful as expertise by experience.
You are a powerful person. Never forget that.
More blessings and love and power to you!!!

Jun 02, 2009
My life is my own now, I must begin to love me.
by: maurice

Lucy, you owe it to yourself to begin and continue your own healing process and LOVE YOURSELF first and then all tha Darlene is lovingly saying to you will make real and true sense to you. Sadly each one of us who were beaten abused have his/her own way of healing and coping with it. For now you are copoing and dealing in your own right. Likewise your brother is coping and dealing with his abuse in his way. Once you love and believe in your self enough I am sure in time you and your brother will make better sense when ye talk. I'm Special, I'm beautiful, I'm ME. Always begin and ened with yourself saying the above. Build up your own self worth/value/esteem By thinking positive thoughts and saying them out to yourself in front of the mirror. Don't just say them BELIEVE them about yourself too. I am beautiful is very difficult to admit after parts of me were molested and bruised badly. Only you with professional help and the help of your very few chosen friends can erase (never completely) those bruises/scars. make these parts of your body beautiful. Our sense of our beauty comes from within us so that only we can make our prettiness/beauty real on the surfice. Hi Lucy, say I can do it, I will do it, I must do it FOR ME>

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