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Mar 18, 2010
Laura:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Perhaps one of my visitors can help you find a group in the Orlando-Tampa area. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 18, 2010
Support help
by: Mac

Laura 4; Sometimes I will You Tube the theme form Touched By An Angel, and listen to it. It remindes me that we are never alone; even in the darkest moments we're surrounded by God's love, angels watching over us.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am apart of" The Lamplighters" offering support for those who have been affected by incest, child/adult sexual abuse. You can ck. out our main web site: www.thelamplighters.org. On there you can find links to support groups throughtout the US- World. It may help you find a group close to you. You could also contact Margie Mc Kinnon, founder of "The Lamplighters" She has written several books, & is herself a survivor of sexual abuse. "Repair Your Life" by Magorie McKinnon would be a good read for you. Youcould maybe ck. it out from the library, or get your own copy. I'm here for you, so contact me (through this comments page) , if you need a friend to walk beside you on this recovery journey. Proud of You! Mac

Mar 18, 2010
Confusing Love & Sex
by: Mac

Laura; I had a hard time watching the movie "Georgia Rules". Lindsey Lohans character was a mess, & because her father had abused her, she thought that the only way to relate ti men was tru sex. I was never taught/told the difference between right /wrong, proper/improper,love/sex, moral /immoral. As a child you believe & know only what you see or become accoustomed to in your home environment/neighborhood. That didn't make me bad, I just never knew the difference.Not knowing those differences can keep us in shame, as well, as repeating patterens that we were taught & lived, as children.Anyway,in the movie, she's attempting to seduce her mothers ex boyfriend, who cares about her & her mom. The quote that helped me break out of that confusion was this:"It's not your fault that your father never taught you the difference bwtween right & wrong, moral & imoral,....." Think hearing him says those words was as if someone eas saying to me, "It's not your fault Mac". That was the first timeit really sunnk into my brain, that yes, indeed not knowing those differences wasn't my fault, & that I didn't need to keep blaming myself for not knowing any different, for so long.Because you don't feel like you can talk to anyone about those things, you stay stuck, unitl you finally see that then, you didn't know, & weren't able to learn differently.....today we can discover the truth, learn, grow, be set free. When our innocense gets taken from us, it's easy for us to feel we are responsible for all those things that happened. Be easy on yourself,as your begin your reecovery walk. It's gonna be ok.

Mar 18, 2010
Our children
by: Mac

Be best for you to also find different shelter for your children than leaving them in that situation. I left my children, now ages 38 & 21 with my ex.Even though we may feel that they are better off without us around until we're better, believe me, that's not true. They need us well, but we also need to find a way to protect their innocence.My relaionships with my children are are the mends, as they can finally see a change in me. A change that says I'm better, & no longer feel I have to seperate myself from them to protect them. Passing on the legacy of abandodnment & detachment hurt them & myself as much as any verbal or physical abuse that happened. Leaving them vulnerable isn't what they need from us; that makes them targets of anger towards us, and puts them in a postion to be abused. My oldest is very angry,& says I am dead to him; you don't want to look back & realize that leaving them stuck, destorys any bonds between you & them.My daughter's comming around slowly. But reconnecting has to come on their time & their terms. They gotta feel they can trust you, & that you won't leave, abandon them physically or emionally again. Get them to a safe , neutral place, and close to us if at all possible. Be there to help protect them & yourself as much as possible.

Mar 19, 2010
MAC
by: laura

Mac.. thank you so much.. my kids are 22 and 19 and I left my ex and got an apartment and my kids are with me.. luckily they are ok except maybe my daughter who is 19 she was depressed but i can see a hugh change in personality in both of them.. my son is ok.. he couldnt stand him... so we are safe and together..
I wish i lived close to you I am not finding any luck with any groups around here lamplighters doesnt have a group in florida and she offer for me to start one.. but not sure I am ready..
I would of thought orlando or tampa would have one but cant find anything..
Its such a relief to be away from him.. he triggered so many bad memories for me.. I would talk to him and tell him my feelings.. but i felt like it didnt matter...I am glad to wake up to warmth... he would keep the heat on 68 and I would wake up to the cold every morning.. that triggered a bad memory as a child and when i said something to him he agreed to move the heat up to 72 mind you we lived in a mobile home which was horrible another bad memory.. ugh how in the world do i get rid of these memories ,, why am i still having these triggers of memorys?
He came from a healthy family so he could no empathized what i went thru nor do i think he really cared..
I am a rn worked hard to get this 2yrs now and he doesnt understand i have goals i want a house nothing fancy.. just all my childhood memories was from small singlewide mobile home with no central air and heat.. I am the first to ever went to college.. my dad use to tell me i was no good and a blacksheep that i was gonna grow up to be a "NO good drunk like my aunt". I proved him wrong on that one..
i am such a mess just need help really dont know what to do or who to turn to except you right now

Mar 20, 2010
Forgetting
by: eileen howard fralick

I just wanted to let you know, you are trying to forget something that you will never forget, forgiveness, is the way to freedom, and that could take a long long time. Embrass your past, use it to make you stronger, trying to forget is a waste of time, as it just never leaves you, I tried to forget, but something always reminds me of the past. I lived your life almost exactly, all of us did, the similarities in the stories astounds me. I know you are very strong, you are still here, tell your story, and write it down, let it all out, you are moving in the right direction, keep trying, you are making it. Keep reaching out. You are going to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made because of your childhood, we all made those mistakes. Learn from them, all humans make mistakes, even if they had great childhoods, they forgive themselves though, and we have a hard time with that. I am so proud to see one more abused child, standing up for herself. don't worry that you have made mistakes, your are only human. Forgiveness is the key, especially forgiving yourself. The person who did this to you is at fault for your childhood. not you. Love your kids, and see the world as a place where you can reach out and help yourself and others, when you tell your story, you help other like me. It is a relief to know I am not alone. It makes it clear to me that I did nothing to cause my abuse. thankyou for your courage, in telling us your story and for realizing you can go on and be a mother and maybe someday and grandmother, and a protector of children. You will one day be well enough to help other children, as you will see it so much easier than people who have never been abused. I hope you find the help you need, I wish I could help you, but I live in canada, so I have no contacts for you in Florida. Keep searching and maybe you will be strong enough someday to start a group if they have none where you are.Good luck and find the peace you deserve. I am 52 and just starting to find the peace I deserve. I have just finally forgiven myself. Forgiving him is what I am struggling with. Eileen Howard Fralick

Mar 21, 2010
thank you
by: Anonymous

thank you eileen for the support. i dont know if i am strong enough to start a group yet.. maybe once i work thru my issues i will..
but thank you again its good to know that I'm not alone..
I am such a loner and need to make some friends it goes back to trust issues.. every time i think i want to make a friend i get scared and pull away... I just dont know if i ready to come out of my shell its really hard....

Mar 23, 2010
A possible resource in your area
by: Mac

Laura; So far the only good lead I could find in your area is the organizatopn SOAR :Speaking Out About Rape (SOAR)
Address:
817 Virginia Drive #A
Orlando, FL 32803
United States
Phone/Fax:
Phone: 407-836-9692
Fax: 407-836-9693
Hopefully they could help you find a support group in your area, or redirect you to another local source for support groups in your area.
I will keep looking.Keep moving forward in your recovery; just know you are not alone!

Mar 23, 2010
Possible support connections your area
by: Mac

Contact SOAR in Orlando. They deal with rape, but they could possibly refer you to other agencies in your area for support groups for your needs. I'll keep looking. So far, Soar was the only organization close to you that could possible help you to find a local group.

Mar 23, 2010
Support in your area
by: Mac

Laura4; Here are 2 links for you to ck. out support groups in your area:
http://abusesurvivors.meetup.com/cities/us/fl/tampa/
http://abusesurvivors.meetup.com/cities/us/fl/orlando
Also in Orlando, is a group called Soar; deals with rape issues, but they would probably be able to refer you to support groups in your area also.
Hope this helps.

Mar 26, 2010
Keep going
by: James

Im only 15 but i read this and not knowing what abuse feels like even though my friends talk to me about theirs all i want to say is that your braver and more couragous than any other person in the world. You dealt with abuse from your dad, sister, husband and not one did you ever give up. All i want to say is keep on going.

Mar 27, 2010
thank you james
by: laura

thank you james.. its hard for people to understand.. if you never walked in their shoes .. you dont know... my husband now doesnt understand. not sure if he doesnt want to .. or just cant...
If i give up then i feel like my father has won he is still controlling my life.. like I see in my siblings.. I cannot not allow that its a everyday struggle constant battle to fight .. its drains you emotionally...
but I have strong faith in god and he never leaves me.. I know that and have to depend and trust in god..
but thank you for having empathy and understanding and just pray for me and my children.. thank you

Mar 27, 2010
mac
by: laura

mac. thank you for the resources.. I contacted soar and they have 2 groups on first and last weekend of the month.. i am still searching..
thank you for your support and helping me..
I am feeling better since i am away from my husband .
I can smell the fresh air and breathe again.. its crazy i know...but i just feel a relief ...cant explain it.. I am working this weekend but hope to attend the soar groups with the next one... still searching.. but atleast its a start..
i am going to christian counseling on tuesday with my husband... so we will see..
than you mac for your support I feel like you are next door to me.. even though u r far away.

Mar 28, 2010
just watched georgia rule
by: laura

well i just watched georgia rule and would recommend watching it.. It really hurts because my mom never has hugged me or we have never talked about what my father did.. I heard on the radio that you know you are healed when you feel sorry for the person that hurt you.. I wonder is that possible to ever heal? really totally... I cried like a baby at the end of georgia rule when rachel read the letter her mom wrote and they hugged each other.. the hurt i feel knowing that I will never get that... hug from my mother..

Mar 29, 2010
Did u ck. out those other resources ?
by: Mac

Glad you are doing good. If your husband was abusive , he may only be going to meetings with you, saying the right stuff, just to win you back, but not really changing. You sound great! Did you ck. out any of the other possible sites I listed for u to check out? Also might see if there are any "Celebrate Recovery" support groups close to you. They are a Christian based 12 Step / 8 Biblical Principles Recovery Program, that covers several areas of addictions,abuse/trauma. Glad u found a good christian counselor to go to.When u go to any support group,especially for sexual abuse, make sure if there are both men & women in attendence that the group breaks off, & men go to a men's group & women to a women's group. It's too easy in any support group where there is mixed company, to be around members of the opposite sex who might in their weak state try to take advantage of others in the group.Just give your first name if u feel comfortable, & don't share any contact info with others that could put u at risk.; just share personal contact info with a group leader. I consider myself pretty enlightened, but accocuple of years ago when I was staff in a christian recovery meetings of those with drug & alcohol addictions, 1 fellow in the recovery program got close to me,got past my better sence as he was very handsome & slick, & I quite working there, as he took advantage of me personally,......and that really stunk & screwed my head & heart up.That was in 2007-2008. Didn't know he had relasped on coke & was playing me for a fool,as he took advantage of my resource connections, & good heart. So u never can be too careful.Doesn't matter how good looking guys are, how smart they are, if they're no good, they're no good, .....and you gotta stay away from them. Love's not manipulation,abuse, lies, codependency,....and so on.Watch out for tale tale "red flag" signs, & steer clear of those guys....and don't go back to them no matter how sexy, handsome , they are. You deserve better! Let me know how things are going.Keeping you dear friend in thoughts & prayers as you walk this journey of freedom, hope,& happiness. Proud of you!

Mar 29, 2010
Books , Movies, Etc.
by: Mac

Be careful about reading some books or watching certain movies, as they could trigger bad memories,& set u back. I couldn't watch the movie "Precious", or read the book. Accouple non-fiction incest survivors book were also high-trigger materials for me, & I had to pass on reading them. It's ok to know what you can deal with,and not be overwhelmed by.It's kinda like an alcoholic going to a bar, a drug addict at a party where others are high, etc.,there's some places you don't need to go, and things that you really don't need to see.And that's ok not to do so.Maybe visualize recieving hugs from a comforting Angel, will help you feel the love that God has for you.

Mar 29, 2010
mac
by: laura

I feel like you are my guardian angel:).. thats good that u can tell I am feeling better starting to come out of depression and feel like I am a human.. I went to those web sites and didnt have much luck I cant believe there isnt anything out there.. but to be honest I am very scared about going..
I am a loner so it's gonna be hard for me to open up and trust...
and yes u r right my husband will say what i want to hear.. but he has his own baggage he is ADHD and is on medicine but they are taking him off of it and putting him on something else.. d/t sideeffects.. he is under a psychiatrists care for that.. but trust me he has no clue where i am at and never will.. I really dont think I have any intentions of going back.
yeah I shouldnt of watched georia rule I am gonna stay clear of those type movies for a while.. I also cant finish reading this book called "Breathe" by nicole bromley
thank you Mac u r my angel...just when I feel alone it puts a smile on face to hear you and gives me hope and encouragement...

Mar 30, 2010
Keep up the good work
by: Mac

Remember God's got u covered, & that we are here for u too. Proud of you girl! Realize that others there are feeling nervouse too, & relax. share as little or as much as u're ready to share.The recovery road isn't easy at times, but so much better than life in the darkness of abuse. Keep us posted. Visualize your friends on here being with ya, maybe that'll help make u feel more at ease. Yesterday i had a test too, about a movie. A friend called & asked me to turn this movie on, & I couldn't watch it. It started to trigger painful memories. At first I thought I owed it to that person to view it , as to them it was helpful.Then I realized that if it's not good for me, I can't watch it, so I changed the channel.Even though I've goten stronger on the recovery journey, there may be some things, that will always try to trigger bad stuff, & I just gotta not go there.Let me know how the support group goes. I am thankful for this site, & other resources to share with others. Sorry that there isn't a Lamplighter support group in your area. Lot's of OA's, AA's, but we need more support groups for what we've been tru."Celebrate Recovery" programs might be in your area.Google & see if if you can pull up Celebrate Recovery meetings in the Tampa-Orlando, area. Remember you gotta keep the focus on your recovery right now, & trust God to help others & your hopefully soon to be ex hubby get tru their stuff.Those Celebrate Recovery programs are usually held in churches. Proud of you!

Mar 30, 2010
hey mac
by: laura

well i went to see the counselor today we split the time 30 minutes each i havent seen my husband in 3 weeks..and i hate myself right now i am so depressed Mac cant stop crying.. he looks so much like my dad it makes me sick to my stomach !! the christian counselor said it's best that we had separated.. I told the couselor the truth and how he reminds me of my dad and how controlling and selfish my husband is.. I have a dachsund dog and i left her with him.. again he wins because she was suppose to be my dog and i wanted to take her but he said he was lonely and wanted to keep her..
so should i go and get my dog mac? i am so sad. and so sick and tired of letting me control me..the counselor said he is going go refer me to a counselor that i needed to take care of myself first
so we will see I will keep you posted.. I am very very depressed right now:( please pray for me...

Mar 31, 2010
You're in my prayers,as always
by: Mac

Laura, tears are good, & cleansing, so don't be afraid or ashamed of them,.Your tears are the tears of your inner child, crying out , happy to be heard & loved by you.Proud of you! My ex, & my mistakes where with men who were exactly like my father; sometimes we never realize that for many years....so u are ahead of the game. Good for you!Once we recognize certain truths that have kept us in the dark, we can see them in the light,& not rush into any relationship. Give yourself at least a year on the recovery road & thens some, so u will be stronger, & not in that needy victom mentality that we've gotten stuck in over the years. Pray, pray pray, & God will bless & surround u with good folks,etc. He didn't win! Go rescue a puppy from the Humane Shelter, that needs your lovin, give it a new name if it doesn't have one. It's a new day, a new you, a new family, new pet, new experiences, all so much better than before. Better isn't always easy, as we gotta grow,learn, make new choices, learn new habits,etc. work on you, get that divorce,make that clean break,& keep moving forward. Keep me posted.Keepin ya in thoughts & prayers. God's favor is upon you,get excitted,you can finally be the person you never go to be, happy, loved, enjoy life,etc. Keep in touch!we can all use each others prayers, so a shout out to the Lord for me is way cool too ! : )

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From Victim to Victory
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How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

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