Comments for Child Abuse Story From Kristen3 Part 3

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Nov 01, 2008
Very disturbing...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Kristen, children internalize everything. They believe they are the cause of all that is right and WRONG in their environment. That is multiplied many-fold when the child is told s/he is a "disappointment" or "bad" or some other such judgment that is directed at the child. This is what happened to you, Kristen. This is what happens to millions and millions of children the world over when discipline and correction focuses on the child rather than the behaviour. You grew up believing the lies about you. You grew up believing that you were a disappointment to your parents, that you were a bad daughter, that you made them do painful things to you in the name of correction. As I've said before, you were programmed and conditioned. All the messages you received just furthered that brainwashing.

Even though the disturbing caning you described above would not fall under the definition of child abuse, what happened to you is no less scaring. Your parents were ritualistic, methodical and on the surface may have seemed reasonable in the force used, but they were experts in brainwashing. The result left you with a psychological state of mind much like that of the Stockholm Syndrome. You as a child identified on a very deep level with what they were telling you and even became what you (and others) have mistakenly called a "willing participant". Overwhelming feelings of guilt would have you confessing to misbehavior, real or otherwise, in order to be punished and therefore "cleansed" or "redeemed" afterward in order to feel worthy of love once again. The psychological effects go much deeper. The actual physical punishment, the fear and anxiety associated with knowing what was to come, the belief that your parents were inflicting pain because they "loved" you, plus a host of other physical and emotional states, can all culminate and leave the child with fantasy and fetish, with a drive to reenact that punishment over and over again. It is not unusual for that adult child to seek out a mate who will take on the role of parent in order to continue fulfilling that "scripted" punishment.

You lived in a "Stepford" type home, Kristen, where your mother's role was to please your father. EVERYTHING in your home was programmed and scheduled. But I suspect something even more sinister with regard to the ritualistic punishments, especially when I read how your mother would "inspect" your bottom after a caning. I refer you to my article titled Can childhood spankings be administered because of or lead to a spanking fetish? to draw your own conclusions. Once there, you'll find other links that apply to your situation.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Nov 03, 2008
Unbelievable story
by: Linda

Kristen, You have sick parents and what they did to you was not normal behavior for parents. In, Americal that kind of punishment is called: Child Abuse....When a child is abused, it changes who they are and what they become in adulthood. I'm so sorry for your awful childhood, and I hope you can find healing.

Nov 10, 2008
A note in response to your recent submission...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Kristen, since you did not post your last submission in the form of a comment, I gather you do not want it posted. I thank you and appreciate the accolades and admiration; and if you want what you said to me to remain between us, I'll respect your wishes. If you want it posted here, let me know through a comment here, and I'll move it to this spot.

I find you amazing, Kristen. I hold you in awe for having lived such a rigidly controlled and deeply disturbing childhood, yet coming out of it with the ability to question and look at what happened to you. Writing your story on this website, and then taking in—really taking in—the comments that followed, was a much bigger step than you realize. This shows me how strong you are. You need to convince YOURSELF of that internal strength.

You have to take care of yourself, Kristen. You must look at yourself as your number 1 priority. That's not selfish; that's self-preservation. Don't worry about whether or not you comment on the stories of others who post on this site; when you are compelled to do so, you will. I've made commenting one of my purposes. I have a great deal of insight and much to offer in the way of knowledge and personal experience; I've chosen to use my gift of insight through my website. But that's not your path; that's mine. Your path at this moment in time is to find healing for yourself. Indeed, Kristen, in one form or another that is the path of EVERYONE on the planet. Never has there been a time where healing has become more important; individually and collectively. So stay the course. Keep writing.

And if I may offer you a bit of advice with regard to that writing...turn off your internal "editor". When that "editor" is on, you will be using your thinking mind which will have you editing and deleting and getting frustrated. But when that editor is off, you'll be using your emotional and intuitive mind (often termed "writing from the heart"). And when you write from the hear-t, you begin to hear, and then real healing can begin.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Nov 13, 2008
a response to a response :)
by: kristen

Hi Darlene,

My message thanking you and noting my admiration for you were intended to be just that.

I do not mind if you post them but they were more a personal just to you kind of thing.

My public messages for want of a better description are more of a way of unloading the pent up stuff inside. The sort of continual go round and round inside my head stuff that I just cant talk to anyone face to face for fear of the involvement of the authorities or to my friends for fear that I will be left on my own.

kristen.

I'll leave the mote between us, Kristen. Thank you for responding to the response ;)

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 10, 2008
no protection
by: Scott Canada

I understand your feelings.I understand the control it takes to not cry out.I understand how you were punished in a "costume" that im sure offered no protection.This bathing suit was very close to a bare bottom punishment.It gave little protection of your modesty and the pain is indescribable.I myself had clothing forcefully removed for the spankings I endured.I was placed across a bare lap with no clothing on so I know the embarasment you must feel.My punishments increased until a belt was used on my bare bottom,from a teacher at school.Having your body positioned in a way that reveals too much.The pain of that cane hurt more than just your bum.It hurts your relationship with your parents.You were a good little girl and had to hold on to this secret for so long.It is hard to talk about or write about,I know.You were punished even though you tried so hard to please.It feels good to talk about and share these secrets.It did for me.I hope you find someone you trust to tell your secret.It is great to be able to tell it on here.Just writing down helps.Someday I hope to find someone in my world to tell my story to.Im still waiting.

Dec 11, 2008
Thanks
by: kristen

Hi Scott,
Thanks for writing. Can I start by saying that just writing it and writing it here really helps me and maybe you too. I can not tell anyone else. I learned a long time ago not to talk and I am just not ready now. I learned that one of two things happens when you tell someone anything that they dont want to hear. Either they get the police involved or they freak out and deny me or avoid me. Just when I need them most to be a friend they are gone. So for me it is better to have friends than to be alone. If that makes sense. So right now, this is where I go to free myself and that is why I really value your posting. Because yes even just writing is good and posting here is better but having people read it is for me at least really kind of the best. Like you say in your posting, I hope too that you find someone to talk but I have to confess that I will not be talking to any of my current friends.

So I too would like to say that I understand your posting and I would say that tell it here. In a way, for me, school was an escape, a free time. I never got punished at school. Not that I can recall anyway. So I feel real sorry that for you, school was so horrible. I also cant even imagine what it would be like to be made to be punished bare. I am sorry to hear you had to endure that.

There are so many things that come up in your posting. Modesty, relationship with parents, secrets, wow my mind is all over the place. So these are going to be pretty random thoughts.

Lets see relationship with parents. Did it hurt my relationship. I dono. I really bought into it. Even now, I love my parents. Seems weird hey. One reason I do not want to see anyone is that I have seen stories in the news paper of people going to jail when they are old for child abuse things that they did when they were much younger. When I got older, late teens, I would confess to them and be punished. They did not have to catch me doing wrong. There were times when I actually changed into my costume and presented my self for punishment. I would tell them what I had done wrong. Weird hey. Even now, if were at my parents place and they said I was to be punished. I think I would just go along with it. I don't think I would be able to resist.

I was going to talk about modesty but I have to go. Will try again later. Thanks for listening.

kristen


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