Comments for Child Abuse Story From K

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Apr 18, 2009
Part 1: Terrible and unthinkable consequences...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

K, you cannot hold yourself accountable for what you experienced at the hands of your father when you were a child. Of course you thought he had changed: you were a child; a child with needs that included her father in her life in a positive way. And as a child, you would not have known that your father was a pedophile and that pedophiles do not change their ways. Disclosing sexual child abuse is so very difficult for children because of fear; fear that layers over many levels, not the least of which the very real fear of not being believed. When your father stopped drinking, you thought that his molesting ways were directly tied into his drinking. How could you know any different; many adults believe this to be true. It's in hindsight that you now know the truth.

Yes, telling your husband about the sexual abuse you endured might have prevented the sexual assault of your daughter. But to languish over what "should have been" or what "could have been" is to do your daughter a huge disservice. Right now she needs both you and your husband more than she ever has; and she needs the two of you on the same page and with clear heads about how to help her. Pointing fingers, self-blame, guilt...all of this takes away from your ability to be there in a significant way for your daughter. And before you argue the point, your daughter knows that there is a major divide between you and your husband. And so do your other children. They can read your body language and sense the tension between you like no one else can. What's worse is that they blame themselves for it, because that is the nature of children. If this keeps up, your daughter will always regret that she told, which will put her at risk for further abuse. And your other children will have learned that telling results in so much family discord that telling is the wrong thing to do. I KNOW that you don't want that.

See Part 2: Turning pain into power... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 18, 2009
Part 2: Turning pain into power...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You did not molest your daughter, K. Your father molested her. You cannot change that. You cannot change the fact that you did not tell about your own sexual abuse sooner. You can only move forward, for your daughter, for your other children and for yourself. Whether or not your husband is ready to move forward with you is up to him. While I can understand his feelings and rage about all this, he's wrapped up in the "what ifs" rather than recognizing that the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with was assaulted by this man when she was a little girl, the residual of which carried with her through adulthood. You both need some form of counselling, K. You, in order to deal with the emotional confusion of being molested by the man who was in charge of protecting you and keeping you safe from harm, as well as the guilt you now feel for the assault of your daughter by this same man. Your husband needs counselling to help him through his own emotional unrest. And your daughter needs counselling, the type of counselling you needed as a little girl but never got.

K, it is a huge step for you to acknowledge that telling sooner could have prevented your daughter's abuse, not because of blame (blame implies intent...you did not intend for your daughter to experience what you experienced); rather, because doing so means that you can effect change in the lives of others. One, you can ensure your father is never again allowed to be around young girls. Two, the fact that you have shared your story here for others to read will open someone else's eyes. Others who read this will come to understand the importance of disclosing their own historical sexual abuse in order to ensure their daughters and sons stay safe.

K, your father destroyed a part of you when you were a child. Don't allow him to continue to destroy other elements of your life today. You survived the most betraying acts against you when you were so young. And now you can (I believe you WILL) come out of the adversity you and your family now face stronger and more united than you have ever been. But that is a choice you must make each and every day, a choice you need help getting to.

Sharing here, K, is a way to turn pain into power. Thank you. Your poignant story will make a difference in the lives of others, of that I have no doubt.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 18, 2009
Love is the winner when the truth is told
by: Maurice

K you sure a one very strong woman to share your story with Darlene, She has given you loving helpful ways to continue your healing after what you were put through at the hands of a very sick man your father. Heavy drinking bordering possibily on being an alcoholic does not excuse what he did to you and now sadly to your innocent daughter, darling, angel. Oh follow through with the helpful loving guidelenes of Darlene. Love will be the winner between you and your husband. The long lasting effects of being abused creates mistrust in us. Telling our story ain't easy even to our best and closest of friends. So help your loving husband father of your children to understand as to why you did not tell him till now. It will take time K but you be brave, be strong for yourself firstly and then your Children and husband. Darlene has given you loving words of encouragement and affirmation for you to begin with

Apr 18, 2009
Some men!
by: Linda

K.....Your story was short, but very true. I don't know why your husband is blaming you for something hideous your molesting father did. [Some] men are so clueless. [Some men] never want to believe it is true, because they don't want to deal with it. Your husband may be angry with himself for not protecting your's and his daughter from your father. It is easier to deal with if he can blame you for letting it happen. Again, you had no control over what your father did to you as a child. Report him to the authorities and send him to jail where he belongs, so he won't do it to some other little girl.

Apr 20, 2009
Why?
by: Hayley

why are you blaming yourself K? Your father made the choice to abuse you and your daughter, it isn't your fault. I know it's hard not to blame yourself, I will always regret not pressing charges against my brother after years of abuse. I sort of believe it was my fault, but only the longevity of the abuse, not the actual trauma itself. You need to talk to your husband, and make him realise that he needs to understand how you feel. Only you will know when the best time is for you, and what the best way is for you. You can do it, you have been so strong so far

May 01, 2009
The father
by: Angelica

Remember all those times in which you were abused? Remember all those times you wished you had a daddy to come cry to? The truth is your husband needs to be there for his daughter and his wife!!! Dont blame yourself for this!!! And dont let it get into the way of your family not now not ever!!! Be to your daughter all that you wanted as a Victim!!! Dont think about how you could have prevent it because it is already done. Just focus on getting your daughter through this, as a victim to my father I know your pain but I never had a mom or dad and i never will, you can be the difference in your daughters life! Be strong....

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