Comments for Child Abuse Story From John G

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Jan 25, 2010
 John:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

There was something seriously wrong in the head with both your parents. They were twisted, cruel and criminal in the way they treated you. They didn't deserve to have a son like you. But mostly, YOU didn't deserve to have such uncaring, unloving, unbelievably ruthless parents. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Jan 25, 2010
 Tears in the heart; smile in the soul
by: Mark

John G,
I have little experience with a situation like yours, my abuse having been vastly different. Therefore, I can only impart to you that I'm truly, truly sorry for your suffering. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be so emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. My eyes were full of tears when I read about your Christmases being ruined, and that was not even the worst of your experiences. I don't think I could have survived your childhood, feeling so unloved, so I thank God that you did.
Your mother and father really lost out - they never realized what a treasure they had all along. If they had known how RARE and PRICELESS it is to be loved - especially the unconditional love offered by offspring - they wouldn't have killed your love for them, and in turn, they probably would have been happier people. I feel sorry for them; they tragically missed out on knowing and being loved by you, because you're a good man. I feel better knowing that there are good people like you in this world.
I'll bet you're a good father, too. I'll bet you let your children know how much you love them. I'll bet you tell them all the time.

With heartfelt tears,
Your loving kindred spirit,
Mark
Jan 26, 2010
 Always believe in yourself with alot of help from your friends
by: maurice

John G. well done, your story I can identify with, not so much the slapping and punchin about the head. but certainly the belt. No child deserves to be treated/abused in such a fashion especially by A Father/Mother whose roll is in life to love and cherish the child that they birthed. Alas you were born into a house rather than a home. A cruel/painfu;/sadsitic beating is know way to love and cherish a child. Your Parents were sickos, were inhuman, were abusres of a beautiful and lovely child. It was not my fault, I am not to blame, John G. Take spaecial note of what Darlene wrote to you. Her heart is a womans heart. A loving sincere heart that cares for each one of her visitors personally. Her words you sure can heed, take them to your heart, act on them, get help, talk through your abuse with a counsellor/therapist. Have a friend or two you can relate your inside your bellly button git feelings to, some on you can trust, who will listen and who will walk with you to be your sould mate in telling your story. There is life after abuse John G. Begin today having a healthy mind in a healthy body. become active and alive, take part wit your own age group in sporting and cultural activities. When young people mix and intergrate with their peers they educate themselves naturally. Get a whole different healthier perspective about who they are. They get to know their body beautiful and value it, respect it, evry so naturally. I'M SPECIAL, I LOVE ME, BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT.
Jan 26, 2010
 Living with reality.
by: John G.

Mark and Maurice.
Thank you very much for your responce to my statement on 25th of Jan. I am now 76 years old and have lived with my childhood memories and can deal with the pain it often times brings me, but its hard when friends and relatives tell you when they notice your hurting, its near impossible to hide. You should be over with that by now, even a brother at another brothers funeral this last summer said to me thats in the past forget it. I told him that it can never be in the past. When growing up I was much older than my years, you see the inviroment I lived in required me to think about survival from the beatings and the feeling of I am by my self in this world. My parents never in my life gave me one red cent, not ever. I had to fix broken windows, doors, cut lawns, paint shutters at the tender age of 7, 8. 9. I use to ride by bike I put together from peoples trash to construction sites selling candy bars to construction guys to make money. I created my own paper route and later sold it to a family that it helped put two sons through colledge. You see the severity of the treatment caused me to develope my skills at a very early age. Thats one good result of my childhood. Yes Mark you are correct my daughter and two sons hear from me nearly every day and the word love is used during every conversation we have and demonstrated all the time. My children and I have a very strong relationship between us and and their children eo as well. My abuse was established over a very long time and was very severe as a result its not possible to put it behind me, its also impossible to hide it from others to notice. I can and have tried to use it to motivate me to never put up with its negative influence on me and my current inviroment. I want to thank all of you people who speak out against the lack of love and effection for one another, never accept or tolerate it. Love John G.
Jan 26, 2010
 Be strong
by: Anonymous

John, what your so-called parents did to you was very pathetic, sadistic, brutal, cruel, sick and ungrateful. I am so sorry that you didn't have a good family growing up. I went through the same thing, too. Have you tried counselling? Be brave, John, and stay strong.
Jan 26, 2010
 I guess you are the exception to the rule but at peace
by: maurice

John G. At the age of 63 I can honestly say it is a great peace of mind to me to know that the effects of abuse linger on and on but don't stop living my life to the full in a positive constructive way. Oh yes the pangs of my what I would regard as being mild abuse compared to yours and many others who have related to me their physical abuse story. Abuse is abuse Thanks be to God I have been letting go of it since I was 33 years of age. I hope and pray John G at your age you are a winner over it and that you have loving family and friends to help you live your life to the full and the pain of your awful horrific beatings and abuse is almost extict. You prove one very real thing to me that we must let go day by day. year by year even the memories when we recall them. You have been a great man as even during it you knew you had to make a life for yourself. with all your innitivies to make a dollar. John G thank you. There is life to be lived after abuse and you proved it.
Jan 27, 2010
 Thank YOU for YOUR response to us!
by: Mark

John,
Thank you for writing back and letting us know that our words (and feelings therein) were helpful to you. I'm glad. As I go out into the world again today, it'll put a smile on my face to know that I (and others!) have helped someone, and it was appreciated.
I hope I'm not out of line here, but I don't think it's right to tell people that they should "just get over" their problems. As unique individuals, aren't we all supposed to proceed through life at our own paces? I know some of the people who say this are just trying to help, but I think it's simplistic and minimizing, and that YOU know best when YOU are ready to heal further. (Darlene, if I'm wrong, please don't add this paragraph in. Thank you.)
Lastly, I HAVE to add that you are very strong, brave, caring, optimistic, and friendly, John (and a very loving dad - good for you!). I've seen quite a few people in this world that could benefit immensely from having you as a role model.
Love back at ya,
Mark

From Darlene: Mark, I believe as you believe: one's path toward healing and recovery is completely individual. We go at our own pace, whatever that pace might be. I also believe that those who say "get over it" need to take their own advice.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Jan 27, 2010
 Our way through life.
by: John G.

Thank you all for your responses to my original story. You all add great value in what you have to say. I grew up in a neighborhood where houses were 20 feet apart and consisted of 2 and 3 family homes. My neighborhood was comprised of people of all nationalities an cultures. Everyone knew just what I was going through in my neighborhood because the kids my age saw at times what my father did to me and how long it took me to recover from the beatings. They were afraid of my father and when he came they went. They told their parents all about my situation. I had a few families in my neighborhood that said I could live with them, I guess they liked me and felt sorry for me. I could see what family life was supposed to be like in their lives and wished I could have been born into anyone of them but that was impossible and I knew it. I hated every day of my young life except for those few times when I was allowed to get away with a friend and their family but only for a day. I had to be in our house 365 days a year by 6pm, not outside on the front steps but inside the house. Since I was respnsible for my brothers behavior they soon learned I was afraid to repremand them or hit them in any way for anything they did to me or what belonged to me not that I had much of anything. In those days oranges came in a wooden crate with a devider between the sections and that was where I kept everything I owned. I had a cloth over it like a table cloth and it stood on its end. I kept it along side my bed. I slept in the bottom of a bunk bed with a top and bottom and it said USA (united states army) on the end. It was surplus from some army supply I guess. I didn't play with my four other brothers because they could get me beaten up to easily. All they had to say was that I hit them, there was nothing I could say in my defense to avoid a beating. My brothers were the enemy and could get me hurt, so I stayed away from them. After my I left my home to join the United States Air Force right after high school I had little or nothing to do with my brothers to this day, because of the relationship my father created between us. That was in 1952 and its now 2010, 58 years. I have not been to their houses in 58 years and don't need to see them or have anything to do with them. I do see them at weddings or funerals I go to, if they should be there. You see I view them as litter mates because thats the way my parents brought us up. When I do see them there is some talk about getting together but nothing ever happens. You see the love and careing that should have been there isn't and so we are stranges and thats the way it will be. I cant make them do something they don't know how to do or want to do. On the other hand I know whats missing and its not missing in my life, its a big deal to me. I can and will go on happily. Love you all. John G.
Feb 06, 2010
 John U rock!!
by: Joei

Yeah, John, like some others I cried a little also.
You story toree me up, but I see u won!!
"the best revenge is living well" remember that quote?
You Have. Instead of repeating the evil of your upbringing u created a real family
Enjoy your kids John u sure as hell deserve it.
Feb 18, 2010
 You Deserved Better
by: Collene

John,

I was dumbfounded by the cruelty of your parents. Maybe it was because you were the oldest...that would be something we have in common. I was the oldest of 4 siblings and everything was my fault even if I wasnt there. My mother was the terrorizor and abusier. My father just let it go on, if he was around. But it wasnt just getting hit, kicked, hair pulled, beaten with a belt or hit with something usually over nothing...it was the name calling, harsh words that I was nothing and never would be. The debilitating effect this has had on my life I can't say. I find it amazing you went on and seemed to have a life. I am so glad for you as you deserved far better. I wonder if your siblings just couldn't deal with it because they were afraid or ambaressed. I am glad for you you have children that love you.
Feb 18, 2010
 We all support each other to be winners over abuse
by: Maurice

John G one story beget another's but the one strand within all of them is the wanting to be healed from Abuse. Each of us have our own will power and inner strength to do that. Darlene sure is our hero to heed and listen to and be pro-active in her supporting and loving comment to each one of us personally. I like her words to Mark who made his comment to yours. She says and I quote. I believe as you believe one's path toward healing and recovery is completely individual. We go at our own pace, whatever that pace might be.====I also believe that those who say ''Get over it'' need to take their own advice. How empowering toeach one of us individually. I am certain she also does not want us to read it she wants us to act on it. Get all the help we need especially talking with a counsellor/therapist. She want us all to get off the bottom and stop feeling sorry for ourselves. To have a healthy mind in a healthy body. become active and alive, out and ABOUT , away from the four walls that will cave in on us if we let them. So John G look what you brought out in me by your story. Thank you.
Feb 18, 2010
 Collene comment on Feb 18th to my story.
by: John G.

Hello Collene and thank you for your comment to my story (John G). I am sorry you had to live with the pain and suffering both physical and mental while growing up. I certanly can feel your pain having had my share of it as well. One thing I can tell you is that your not to blame and need to focus on what it should be like so that you have a goal and not learn to be like those who abuse you. Most children that were abused at some point and time get out of the abusive enviroment and have to live with themselves first and the rest of the world around them. If you don't have a goal and learn to live through it all when you get out then you have nothing. For many years when I was captive in a horrible family situation. I looked at what it was supposed to be like by looking at the families around me. I saw love and effection, caring for one another all around me and longed for that but knew it would never be for me until I got out of that enviroment and I did when I was 18 years old. I had to minimize my exposure during the bad time knowing at some point I would get out and get away. I had a goal, I continued to look at my goal until I had freedom and in time it came. I hated the people that abused me especially my mother I expected more from a mother and didn't get it. My Father was an animal from the begining and my brothers didn't know the adversarial relationship he created when he made me responsible for their behavior. I didn't tell them they simply only had to learn that I didn't stand my ground with them because you see all they had to say was that I hit them and got a beating for doing so. That was big power over me and they not knowing why used it. I told one brother last year at another brothers funeral for the first time what happened to me during those beatings and that your father made me responsible for your behavior. He was shocked when I told him and he said he didn't know that. I told him did you think I was going to tell you at the time, it was bad enough when you didn't know. My brothers were brought up in an enviroment where they didn't know and never learned to love one another, or care for one another. As I said in my story we were brought up as litter mates not brothers, love didn't exist in our home in word or actions. I dont blame my brothers, I blame my father and my mother. Its to late now. You should think about your pain and hurt growing up and know that you learned the hard way and you will not let it happen to you, with the ones you love and care for. You can do a much better job of loving and doing things together that will make you a much happier person because you know how important it is.
Feb 18, 2010
 Thank you for your latest comment.
by: John G.

Hi Maurice

I see that you are a very active person on this web site and I thank you for your participation in minimizing the negative effects that people go through in life under the heading of abuse,in all its nasty forms. Darlene is a fantastic person in her own right she is most certainly one of gods chosen people here on earth. My hurt and pain both physical and much more longer lasting mental are what motivates me, to do what I can to make the world a better place especially for little inocent children. I am not a gifted person when it comes to developing an organization with a goal of changing how the world deals with abused children in all its forms. It is my belief that the system thats in place today doesn't work and we need a better one to replace it. I will be researching and looking for a way to motivate caring people to get involved and come up with a better model in the next weeks and months and will make comments on this web site on what I find. I will be looking for your input along the way. Thanking you all. John G.
Feb 19, 2010
 Thank You John G
by: Collene

John,

Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge my response. I am having a terrible time handling the situation.Why now after all these years...I don't know. I kept it deep inside for over twenty years it seems the lst ten years it keeps bubbling up to the surface. I bought Darlenes book and some other books from Alice Miller. I tried once to go to therapy ..but it seems so cliched, "It's my Mothers fault" I couldnt bring myself to discuss it. The only time I really discussed it was to warn my sisters and brother to never leave their small kids alone with her ever. My siblings pretty much have the same recolections as me, but as I bore the brunt of the serious abuse, they dont feel th same way I do...how could they. At least they somewhat acknowledged it. Anyway I just feel like a failure and hae extreem difficulties with relationships and relating to others period...I am a loner, but not really by choice. And I am very sad. You seem to have somehow been able to move forward and that's what I want to do also...I dont want my life wasted because of the first nineteen years. I noticed in your comment to Maurice you were going to do more about child abuse and you would post about it here. I would be interested in hearing about whatever your doing. I feel you have a very positive self attitude and that you are inherently kind and I appreciate that.
Feb 19, 2010
 My friend Collene
by: John G.

Hi Collene.

I am 76 years old and have lived with my physical and mental abuse nearly 70 years and its gets harder for me as time goes on. As I write this comment to you I am crying to the extent that I find if difficult to type the words I put on the paper. I have to stop and clear my glases and the tears in my eyes so I can see to type the words I want to put on the paper. I have hurt and anguish thinking what you went through that continues to this day.I love the fact that your hurt makes me cry for you and that I am a person that loves the fact that I care about people to the extent that I can cry for people I don't even know. Most of my life I could have cared less about someone like you but now I care deeply and feel your pain enough to make me go to tears. I feel its to bad for humanity that the vast majority of people could care less and that bothers me a great deal. I think if you look at your situation this way, you certanly know and can feel the difference between how your siblings look at what love is and how you do. You have developed the real meaning of just what real love is because you were mentaly deprived of it for a period of time. For me when I learn things easily vs the hard way, learning things the hard way imparts much more meaning to me. I have a much better understanding about the subject. Its much more important to me and I understand it better. You probably have a much deeper understanding about the love you didn't have over those around you that feel they always had it all along. I am very happy now that I can love much more deeply than ever before. I am a much more fullfilled person than ever before. Yes I will be working on what I call a Child Protection & Development Charter. An effort to motivate loving and caring people to get together and promote the reduction of child abuse throught the world. Its not hapening now to any worth while degree that I can see. I want to do what I can while I am still on this earth. Love and affection to you Collene.
Feb 23, 2010
 To John G, my friend
by: Collene

John,

Again thank you for your kind words. They help me more than I can say. I hope that you have many more productive and wonderful years on this earth. I will think of you every day and pray that God holds you in the palm of his loving hand. I will try to move forward...I don't know if it is better to let it all come to the surface and relive it and feel the pain again in order to understand or come to terms with it, or not. I really had no idea that the first 19 yeears had such a profoundly negative effect on my life and how I relate to others untill recently. But speaking with you has given me a bright spot of hope that maybe my life isnt the complete disaster
I feel it is. Our interation on this web site is a gift to me and I am very grateful to you.
Feb 23, 2010
 SMALL IS BEAUTIFU.
by: maurice

Thank you John G for your caring words and affirmation. each of us in our own right can do our special bit to make a difference with the support of friends and dedicated qualified/professional experts in the field of knowing and caring about abuse. You'll do your best with the support and encouragement of your friends and indeed now all of us who cared enough for you in the telling of your story bu our comments to you. A real source of good in all who have expressed their respect/love/and caring to you. Yes, Darlene which I learned recently is know as THe Relationship Lady. A great compliment to her. She is gifted, She is professional, She is a woman with a big heart from victim to victory and passing on her skills of affirming you and me and all her many visitors on her site. She was a VISIONARY when she set up her Site. Hi John G you live well, laugh alot, Love much. OK
Feb 23, 2010
 My Friend Collene.
by: John G.

Thank you Collene for allowing me to enter your struggle to survive your past abuse. My feeling is after living with my tramatic past for about 70 years, trying to keep a lid on the fire that was raging inside me. It started to boil to the surface and more often as time passed. I had much difficulty in living with the past. I would be moved to tears watching a sad movie or program on TV and I didn't know why at my age I would have this problem. I cant tell you why but I liked the fact that I could feel and care enough about the person or people in the program. I have been a goal orientered person all of my life. I feel one needs to allow the true and complete understanding of the past, good or bad, as you know it, come to the surface and deal with it.
Thru that process you will be able to modify your thinking first and your feelings secondly. The time for you to process all of the past and come to terms with it, the sooner you will be able go forward and build a meaningfull life for your self. If you don't walk yourself through all those feelings how can you hope to eliminate those you cant do anything about and those you need to work throu. The amount of time it takes to do this depends on you as an individual and not everyone has the same abilities. Paint a goal or a picture in your mind of where you want to go and work to get there. You cant skip dealing with some of the hard parts or you will continue to have blocks stopping you from getting to your goal. Thats how I survived and can live again. I have given myself another goal and my new goal is to make a dent in eliminating Child abuse in all its forms. Collene get and keep the faith, the faith in yourself. Your friend John G.
Mar 19, 2010
 To My Friend John G
by: Anonymous

John,

I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you every day.

Collene
Mar 19, 2010
 A response to your last comment.
by: Collene

Hi Collene. How are you doing with establishing goals to deal with the past. Its much harder to evaluate anything when its all mixed up in a big pot. Its like a bucket full of change, If you try to count the money as you take some of the coins out, say pennies, mixed with nickels and some dimes it becomes a real chore to count the money. If on the other hand you dump all the coins out and separate them in piles of each denomination and then count each pile separately. Its a much easier job to make the count. By the same token if you don't separate the past into categories and deal with each one on its own until such time that you feel comfortable with each one. Some things you will not be able to fully understand and resolve to your satisfaction. Those items you will have to decide once and for all time that you can do nothing about solving them, what ever they may be. If its something that keeps coming up in your mind you will have to get irritated with yourself for letting it bother you all this time with no particular ending in sight for you. In order for you to solve some of these issues, you have to say to yourself having gone through this or that, I have a better understanding of what real caring for someone is all about. You over the bulk of society will not take loving someone or caring about or for someone lightly because you have developed a much better understanding about just what that means. Your loving and caring will have much more meaning and as a result you can and should be happier for having gone through that process. You didn't cause the past to happen you just happened to be in the way of the past as it came along. You didn't ask to be born where you ended up. What was missing in your past,love and affection. You missed that growing up. Would you know it if you see it again, in your life. Work to find it. In my opinion most of the people who are professional in helping you understand the past and help you deal with it have uppermost in their mind earning a living doing just that. The longer you come to them the more money they make. I have no way to know what percentage of these people do a good job of helping people like us, but most of them I know about do not put you first. You need to walk your own way through this minefield and don't step on a mine the second time. After a while you will have answered all the riddles yourself. You stay on each one until it doesn't bother you any more or you understand what you can and cant change in your mind for the better. Then you move on until you have a handle on everything.
How much time it takes depends on you and your abilities. Not everything will you find an answer for, put those items in a box.
Your friend John G.
Mar 21, 2010
 The Respect for anothers dignity is huge and valueable on this site
by: maurice

Darlene is a true steward of her own special safe haven site. It is re-assuring she keeps a close watch on all who become visitors on it. It is also re-assuring that she acknowledges her visitors are respectful of each other feelings after abuse and the various levels and it's effects that people might be at when telling their story. Thank you Darlene for that. Nice to friendships building up too among some of her visitors. It is her special watch on all our comments to each that permits that. John G and collena it is good that you value each other, respect each other, are caring of each other in a sincere and genuine concern for each others moving on in your lives after Abuse. All comments are read very reflectively and with huge respect for the person sharing them with us. A learning experience for me. I get great affirmation from all of them. It proves we can re-assure each other that theire is LIFE after Abuse. God be with you John G and all who care for each other on this site. Darlene, God has blessed you in the setting up of this site for us and all who find it. I think you know my mind on that blessing and how important you and your comments are to each of us. I'm smiling because I might be threading on dangerous ground saying that to you. Stay with us. Amen.

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From Victim to Victory
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How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

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