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May 06, 2009
Part 1: You've been fed lies...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Jessie, you believe the lies your mother has flung at you, lies that have come from a woman who is deeply troubled, lies from a woman who has lashed out at you for things that could never be your fault. You couldn't possibly have anything to do with a divorce that was a choice made between your parents. Your mother isn't happy with that choice; that's clear. But a divorce is the ultimate consequence of the failure of a relationship between two people. Therefore, you will NEVER convince me that you are somehow to blame for what your parents couldn't work out. You, Jessie, are NOT to blame.

You said your mother was bipolar, but not on meds. Given her outrageous behaviour toward you, I can understand why you hate doctors; but I suggest your anger and hostility is misplaced, Jessie. A doctor only sees a patient for a few short minutes in the confines of his/her office; a setting that can't come close to imitating real life. A doctor does not have access to the patient's day to day life in order to monitor moods and behaviours; s/he must take the word of the patient and make a determination based on what can be observed. You said the diagnosis "would explain so much". That's true, Jessie. It explains, but does not excuse your mother's behaviour toward you. There is no excuse for her violent outbursts. There is no excuse for the despicable things she says to you.

Your mother is mentally ill. Nothing else could explain why she would say the horrible things she says to you. You are NOT a terrible daughter; you are a very good daughter. You are NOT ugly; you are beautiful in your own right. You are NOT stupid; you are smart and articulate. You are NOT a disgrace to the family; you are an asset to the family. You are worthy and lovable and deserving of dignity and respect. It's not right that you have to deal with a mother who does not see that for herself, but you CAN overcome those negative messages, Jessie. You CAN begin to see what your mother has said to you as lies. You CAN begin to understand that her headspace isn't where it should be. You CAN begin to give yourself what you have never received from your mother: caring and nurturing and self-love.

See Part 2: Child Help... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 06, 2009
Part 2: Child Help...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Jessie, you are a beautiful person, a beautiful person worthy of help. You need to talk with someone about what's happening to you. Talk to your father. Tell him what's been going on all these years. He's your father...it's his responsibility to make sure of your well-being. Talk to a trusted teacher or a school counsellor, or a friend's mom. A number to call where there are people who will listen to you is at Child Help: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). Child Help is staffed 24/7 with professionally trained counsellors, Jessie. They are not a reporting agency, although they can help you through the process of reporting if you decide to disclose the abuse. You've opened your heart by sharing your story here with my visitors and me (and I thank you for that)...now it's time to allow others in, others who are there and want to help. You certainly deserve that help.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 06, 2009
Not your fault
by: Francine

Jessie, your mom is wrong. You are not ugly; you are not stupid; you are not horrible; you are beautiful, smart, articulate and worthy of love and dignity and respect. Whatever happened to you is not and never will be your fault; your mother is really to blame and she really needs help. But you need help, too. You might want to tell someone, including your father, cuz you don't deserve to be mistreated in any way.

May 06, 2009
For many innocent children through the years simply because they accepted it not knowing
by: maurice

Many years later those of us who were abused without being aware it was abuse while it was happening to us. Jessica 1 you are one of many who find themselves in a state of poor health and low self esteem realizing all the time your mother was putting you down by yelling at you, making you stay isolated in your room for hours thus isolating you from normal contact with your brother whom she pitted against you which was also putting you down in his eyes. Jessica, great you have found Darlene's site. From now on please value yourself as being all that she says you are in her comments. She certainly is in the best position as webmaster of her site. She sure can feel your feelings and emphatise with you in them. With the help of your closest friend (s) you can be brave and be strong for yourself and get the help Darlene lovingly advises you is neccessary for you. Read her comments and be brave.

May 06, 2009
meds
by: Scott Canada

I so wished my insane,deranged,mentally ill father was on meds when I was growing up.Maybe that would have shut his ignorant mouth so as I wouldn't have had to hear it.But that was a long time ago and I am supposed to be over it by now right? I mean after all he is dead,its not polite to talk like that of the dead.Well I do....he did it,...him all by himself.He drove us all silent and full of fear and hatred and rage.We were physically and severely emotionally damaged. I feel as though I have the right to talk nasty about him now. Its might right ...right?..Ive earned it.And just thinking this way shows the damage that that man has caused.I wonder if meds would have helped. Now I see that I'm the one who should be on medication.Interesting subject.Parents who drive their perfectly innocent ,maliable children totally insane.What kind of parent does that and not see the damage they are causing? Thanks for letting me vent.

May 10, 2009
Was never your fault
by: Anonymous

Hi Jessie,
Like you I had an abusive unpredictable mother. She is also bipolar and never held our health in high enough regard to look inward and get treatment. Between her and a physically abusive alcoholic father I was left fragmented and feeling either rage or dead inside. Jessie you said this abuse has made you strong but Im afraid without help it could cause self harm. Your mother is VERY sick and she is unfit to parent. You never caused your parents divorce. More than likely your mother's instability caused the demise of the marriage. I often wish I had told my local DSS everything rathar than covering for my parents. Please have a friend call your local child abuse prevention social service and have them conduct an investigation. When they investigate be honest about the severe abuse. If there is one thing I have learned is chronic abuse damages in so many ways. It damages so badly it can cause you to want to take your life. Please understand words cut like a knife to the soul.

May 20, 2009
me too
by: Anonymous

I feel the exact same way. My dad is never home and my mom favors my little brother. When we go places I'm walking alone 50 feet behind them because my mom will find somthing to yell at me for. She sends me to my room for hours at a time for no good reason. I found a way to deal. It's not the best solution but I can't help it. I am a 15 year old drug addict. I do whippets everyday. I regulary smoke pot, drink, and pop pills. My pills of choice are TZs ,addorall, oxycontin , vicoden ,Xanax and E. I just wanted to ease the pain of being alone and isolated from my family. But soon my " habit " became an addiction. Me and my friends would load all the drugs into our bodies that we could afford and then hang out in one of our basements until we sobered up enough. At first it was just weed and than someone introduced me to uppers and faders. I would snort line after line and smoke blunt after blunt. Then I got intruduced to nitros. It would make me twitch and talk to the people in my head. It basically drove me crazy. But I couldn't stop. It was calling to me and a worshiped it. I love my drugs and there killing me. I'm so far away from people that I only talk to my dealers and people I get high with. Nobody cares about me. I don't want people to pity me. I also don't want people to do drugs. It's a very sad and lonely road. Please don't do what I do. Drugs are slowly killing me and I'm not gonna stop because I'm weak. Drugs have taken my life over. Please don't be like me.

Jun 19, 2009
You are not to blame
by: Anonymous

First, I want to encourage you by letting you know how much strength and integrity it shows that you have disclosed your story.

Second, you are not to blame for ANYTHING that has happened to make you feel anything other than deeply loved and cared for. Your mother has an illness, but that does not make the hurt that she has caused you any better. You do not have to defend her for any lie that she has told you. And it was never your fault for your parents' divorce. You were (are) the child. They are the adults. It is THEIR responsibility to make good decisions for themselves and for you, and it is their responsibility to show how to make good decisions for yourself and others.

I notice that you said something along the lines of "it's not a good way to get a guy in high school." I would strongly caution you to not look for any kind of romantic relationship with a guy for a while (until you have healed from this abuse, which could be a long time). The reason I say this is because, until you come to terms with just how valuble and lovely you truly are, you will always settle for less than what you deserve from a guy. May I suggest that you make a list of how you think that you should be treated by a guy (or friend, or even how a parent should treat a child?), or rather, how you DREAM of being treated. You should NEVER have to sacrifice ANY of the things on this list for a relationship (now, I don't mean...he has to be over six feet :P...but things like, I'd like a guy who knows me well enough to see through the words "I'm fine"). When you meet a guy who meets all of the requirements that you've made, then that will be the kind of relationship that you should be in. Since you may be with your mom until you're 18 because of the law, it might be a good idea to postpone dating until you can remove yourself from this unhealthy situation, because, as long as you are not healthy yourself, you won't be able to have a healthy relationship woth someone (and chances are, you won't be attracted to healthy people either).

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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