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Aug 14, 2010
James:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

At 11 years old you were a lot more naive than you realize. And that's not meant to be offensive; it's just the way children are at that age. There isn't the experience or the cognitive ability to understand all that's going on and why at that age. Not to mention the innate ability to blame oneself for all that's going wrong. John killed HIMSELF, James. You didn't kill him. He was living with guilt and shame and other demons that he couldn't handle. This is NOT on you; it's on HIM. Always remember that. Please consider some for of counseling in order to help you deal with the repercussions of growing up in such an environment. You'll not only be a better person for it; you'll be a better Marine for it. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir


Aug 14, 2010
heartbreak
by: Anonymous

good lord you are one brave person James. My mother went through similar and she lives on skid row. Thee last time i spoke with her I told her i loved her and that god was with her. I understand why you let it go, you are a person filled with too much love. Please James understand you have made yourself a survivor rather than a victim. you are truly blessed for what you did, take care.

Aug 14, 2010
Thanks
by: James

Thanks for the feedback,
I've recently started therapy, but its related to PTSD/combat stress from Afghanistan. I want to see if I can get help about the sexual abuse, but Im afraid that those two birds are to big to kill with one stone. Would it be a bad idea to attack those 2 huge problems at the same time ?

From Darlene: I can't see how you can separate the two, James, as the PTSD you are suffering as a result of being on tour likely brought the child abuse to the surface because they are affecting the same part of the brain.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir


Aug 15, 2010
You are one BRAVE Man:
by: Maurice

James: Great you are a marine: But greater still is that you are one brave MAN. That is what you are and no more; Always believe in yourself: I joine the God Squad when I was 17. Like you I blamed myself for all that was done to me in absue: Never once accepting he abusd me: I lived with that nightmare: that guilt. Now what was done to you and S was far more cruel and absusive: Now that you have found Darlene's site it is your new beginnings in your life: You pay special heed to her deep hearted words to you: Your life will be WORTH living if you do: That man was evil: NOT your Fault; STOP blaming yourself: Great you are in Therapy: I too know many a young many who joined and spent time with the american army in Iraq: Their families were worried about them: Fine young sons: Brave young men doing a great service fro the ordinary people on the ground: I guess being a Marine asks something special from each individual: On the survice many carry their own Ghosts of their past but could be like you carrying pain and hurt: You have the opportunity now to Let Go; You are the most important Man standing today: More than likely a fine speciman of the MALE species: Darlene has given you one power platform to move off with her words to you: Bury the pain with that not so fine speciman of the male species: A bad man: His own guilt dealt with him: YOU are not to blame ever, ever, right: Always believe in yourself James: Sure you have alot of living to do yet: Live your life to the full: Have a healthy mind in a healthy body: I can: I will: I must: simply because I am WORTH it. Now HULK get on with your life: Think positive: Act Positive: Be positive: Let Go for your own peace of mind: Never forgetting: Begin with Darlene womnan's heart loving affirming words to you:

Aug 15, 2010
yes get help from what you went through as a child
by: michelle5

It was not your fault what he did too you or your brother and it most deffently was,nt your thought he killed him self.You was only a child your self and I know how it feels to want to keep it quite and not tell anyone I still have,nt told my mum that I was sexuly abused as a child and never will, she knows he used to hit us kick us etc because he did it to her too, and some part of us thinks if we keep quite it all go away, it does,nt, plus you was too scared to say anyhing, and we feel ashamed and we think knowone would belive us even if we were to tell, but you have nothing to be ashamed of your abuser did, and yes I would agree you need too get help for the abuse you lived through as well. But by telling your stroy on here you have taken the first step and probaliy helped others.

If there,s anyone reading this thats going through any kind of abuse tell someone don,t put up with it. by telling you can start to get your life bk and know it was,nt your thought.

Aug 15, 2010
Wow...
by: James

I can't believe the kind of responses I'm getting. We are truly a unique group, us 'survivors'. I think I rather like that term, survivor. Darlene thank you for your insight on the PTSD, I think the two are linked as well...I'm going to look into seeking a child abuse specialist in therapy. The Therapist I have now is an idiot. All he does is read from papers he printed off the internet, and I'd rather talk with a female therapist about it anyway. Something inside of me is so scared of facing this head on. Maurice, your a badass; your words I have written down in my journal, and will use them for motivation.

I had thought this journey ended years ago. But I unfortunately discovered, that it was only begining. Thanks again...

Aug 15, 2010
The hijacked mind
by: Peter Schmedding

Hi James, For a start, I really would like to thank you for telling us your story. Your experience, the abuse, the care for your step brother and above all your sense of true humanity? all that could fill a novel. Your story shows what the human mind is capable of and what can be committed in certain situations. What this man did to you when you were eleven years old in my view is nothing short of murder.

Beyond that. however, it is also an example of a process in the human psyche that is not often talked about. It is a behaviour that most likely we inherited from our pre-history ancestors, a time when survival demanded a different set of responses. Briefly, in cases of unusual stress the person is simply out of control. Later the same person may ask himself how on earth he could have behaved in this way, remorse cuts deeply into their lives and may lead to suicide. This process also explains how many otherwise normal and law-abiding people under extreme provocation suddenly become murderers. As a rule, consequently they spend years behind bars while nobody cares if in reality they are guilty or innocent.

After those helpful responses you already have received in the foregoing, the reason I am writing this note to you is that I believe some understanding of human behaviour might help to ease the burden that is on your mind. Our legal systems rely on rational behaviour. In real life there are situations where all our rationality is hijacked and we behave in ways as if directed from a force outside us. In your case John's intoxication at the time made it even worse. Without excusing the action, knowing all this puts the event into a different perspective ? hence this post.

On a personal note I can see you standing head and shoulders far above those who had a more 'normal' childhood without those terrible events you had to live through. As it did not kill you it made you stronger and you will continue to survive. You deserve it.


Aug 16, 2010
Be Brave: Be strong. Be persevering
by: maurice

James, what a boost and a lift up you gave me and I am certain Darlene and all who left comments: We're all for one and one for all in love, support, caring, concern for each other> Yes, Thanks to Darlene we can turn being a victim into Victory: Good on you James your a true survivor with will power: Live well: Laugh alot. Love much having a healthy mind in a healthy body: From one good bad-ass to another good and true bad-ass

Aug 16, 2010
This is getting harder by the day
by: James

Are you 'the' Peter Schmedding from Australia, child developement expert ?
Very intresting perspective from the 'his' side. Can't say it makes me feel any better. Then again, since I've started facing this, things only seem to be getting worse. I've been told that it is usually that way. But I'll walk the path.
Got with one of my squad leaders, told them I needed help with another problem and wanted to see someone else. He was good at keeping my privacy, but was a little disturbed that I wanted 'additional' therapy. Its all very embarrassing, as I have a reputation in my unit. No one seems to be as supportive as you all. There looking to put me on 'medical hold' now. Meaning, I can't do my job until the therapy is over, perhaps thats for the best. But still...
I don't know, it just seems like coming out with this is making things so much worse for me now. Everyday I've been getting worse news...

Aug 18, 2010
Looking forward
by: Peter Schmedding

Hello again, James. Your position is apparently much like climbing up a steep mountain. There will be set-backs and discouragements and it gets harder by the day as you said. To keep going forward, no matter what the cost may well take lots of your energy. And yet I suggest it is necessary to expect a positive outcome in the end. Keep on walking the path, see the top of the mountain and you will survive. In fact those painful early experiences give you a rare insight that one day may reveal themselves as a treasure. They might enable you to help others who had similar experiences. Let me explain:

You asked if I was 'the' expert. Yes, although I don't know if I could be called an expert but rather perhaps an example. As a child I was emotionally and in other ways abused/neglected. In midlife I had become an unwilling witness to a case where so much of my own early fate had been repeated. Unable to help, for me it was traumatic and as a result I changed from my job into my (call it) vacation and worked with kids for over 25 years. Now getting old I devote my time to writing from the experiences I had to live through. My experiences give me the emotional drive and the strength to offer support where I feel able to do so. I am now wondering if your early experiences may lead you one day in an, unknown at this time, direction toward an outcome that will be consoling for you and helpful to others at the same time.

Sometimes it is metaphors that are keeping us on the rails. If you drive a car staring into the rear vision mirror won't get you very far. Looking forward and keeping your eye on your destination and future, becoming master of your life WILL get you there. I believe in you and close with my best wishes and confidence for your progress.

Oct 21, 2010
Repetitve.
by: Jonesi

James, I would like to thank you for your story. I'm a sixteen year old who has gone through similar ... ordeals and on my seventeenth birthday, I will be signing my own papers for the military. Perhaps, a good way to cope? My best friend, who's in the (ch)air force, has had the same exact experience. My older brother, too. It seems like this crap is all around us; never fading. Remebering things like this is always hard, and this specific story is going to be in my mind for quite awhile after I log out of this site. Just knowing that you have survived, as well as many other people, has given me hope to maybe tell my own story and aid in someone else's escape one day. Thank you once again.

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