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Apr 25, 2009
Part 1: I relate to your anger...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I hope you don't mind me referring to you as Sydney. If you would prefer, I can go back and change Sydney to Daedra.

The fact that you still "hear" the screaming is likely contributing to the anger, hostility, resentment, and hatred you feel for your mother. The memories and feelings feed off each other. Having gone through therapy doesn't necessarily mean that suddenly all is right with the world. Healing and recovery is a process. I went through the same process when I was desperately trying to come to terms with the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother, and my father. I understand the deep-seeded hatred you feel for your mother, because I felt it with mine. Only I felt guilt for that hatred, because I believed I didn't have the right to feel what I felt. After all, she was my mother. She was the one gave birth to me. It was my duty to love her. But I didn't! I was all so crazymaking!

And then my therapist showed me that his office was a safe place to feel whatever I felt; it wasn't a sin or a criminal offense, the world wouldn't suddenly come crashing down around me if I allowed myself to feel those feelings. What my mother had done to me was horrific. She hadn't earned my love. I DID hate her. That was my personal truth, and I couldn't deny it.

So with the help of my therapist, I allowed myself to feel every angry feeling I could possibly feel for my mother. EVERY FEELING! I screamed and swore and cried and almost went hoarse with the screaming and hatred that I so badly needed to get off my chest. I had to accept that the woman?my mother--who was supposed to love me and nurture me and keep me safe from harm instead hated me and tried to destroy me. And the process didn't end in his office, Sydney. I went home and couldn't stop crying. But the crying was the grief I hadn't allowed myself to feel before. Grief over the loss of something I had needed but never got: the love of my mother.

But when the crying began to subside, I started to realize that I could give myself what my mother had been incapable of giving me. I could take back my power. I could ensure that I never again gave up my power to the woman who spent my whole childhood taking it away from me. No one would ever take away my power again.

See Part 2: YOUR power... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 25, 2009
Part 2: YOUR power...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Sydney, your mother no longer has power over you, unless you continue to give it to her. She's not worth giving up your power; YOU'RE worth keeping it.

You are still working through your process. You're used to advancing through your life at an accelerated pace; but dealing with the emotional residue of child abuse takes work, commitment and time, sometimes lots of time. Give yourself the credit you have due. You've come such a long way already. My goodness, you're only 19; I was 24-25 before I got to the place you're at now. You have a plan for what you want to do in life and the direction you want to head in. I think you're amazing! But it's not me who needs convincing. Sydney, you're weren't just a "good child"; you're a wonderful person.

Within these comments, I seldom refer my visitors to my book—I try not to be so bold or blatant—but you Sydney are one person I believe could benefit from reading it.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 25, 2009
A Sadistic Monster for a Mother
by: Anonymous

Sydney, your "mother" is wrong and will always be wrong. You are not ugly; you are not a bitch (excuse my French, please!); you are not stupid; you are not cruel; you are not irresponsible; you are not ignorant; you are not evil; my God, Sydney, YOU ARE NOT UGLY. You are beautiful, smart, kind, caring, responsible, articulate, and downright worthy of love, dignity and respect, all of which you were so coldly denied of as a child. I'm so sorry that you didn't have a good mom. Strangely enough, my parents would call me some of those names, too (but thankfully, not all of them). The only cruelty and stupidity that I see actually came from your scumbag mom. I hope your so-called mom gets locked up in the mental institution (or better yet, prison) for all those terrible, horrendous, disgusting crimes that she committed against you. Have you tried counselling yet? If not, I strongly encourage you to try it cuz you're worth the help that you need. I wish you all the best and I hope that you're in a safe place now.

Apr 26, 2009
Who am I...? I am me beautiful. I need always try to let the real me blossom
by: maurice

Sydney? Daedra? God created/made me, knitted me together in my mothers womb. I believe Sydney God never made Junk or a piece of ??? forgive my french. I am me beautiful because of God. Not what anyone else has said I am. Making me feel like a piece of Junk and miss nobody. Oh Sydney the injustice your mother meted out to you was truly sadistic. Wrong....Very WRONG. no child of a mother is or any where near the things she said to you. She is not a nice human-being especially a woman who birthed someone as beautiful as you. SYDNEY you must begin even though I know it will not be easy to Say about yourself I am Beautiful, I am amazing, I am a loving, caring, sensitive, with all the others gifts you have. You were born beautiful. As Job reminds us naked we came from our mothers womb and naked we shall return to Our God. who created us. Bare is beautiful so Sydney please begin to see and know you are beautiful. Ive no doubt you have a small number of friends around you who love you for who you are and not what that unloving mother called you. She was a bad and sadistic mother to be so cruel to you. No child ever born deserves that. Darlene is a good webminder/master she has given you really supportive, loving, kind words of where to begin to begin saying. I am beautiful and no one can take that from me.

Apr 26, 2009
Thank you
by: Daedra

I appreciate the kind words from everyone, and thank you, Darlene, for your stories. I've never heard anyone else say that it is okay to be hateful toward my mother. Her mother--my grandmother--was the only person in my family who believed me when I told her what my mother had done. My aunts, cousins, teachers, etc. said I must be lying because I was 15 by the time I realized it was bad, so obviously I was just acting out so I could go live with someone who had a house rather than a trailer. My grandmother was and still is very supportive, but she always tells me that no matter what I have to love my mother and want to be around her. She tries to understand, but I don't think she can bear to think that her daughter's own child can't love her.

I appreciate the above poster's sentiments very much, but I do want to make it clear that I am pagan, which makes me hated by many people including the grandmother who is still there for me. It makes me feel guilty that I accept her help, that I like being around her (and yes, I do love her very much), while I lie and pretend that I am Christian. I don't pretend with my friends or my husband, but with my grandparents I feel I have to. Similar to my mother, my grandparents believe people who are too different are demon-possessed and "bad." It's actually kind of ironic. They are constantly telling me how beautiful and good I am (particularly since I came out about the abuse), while at the dinner table they will remark that "non-christians have no morals" and "you just can't trust non-Christians." It's a dynamic I have yet to come to terms with, as I am reluctant to lose a part of my family that treats me with kindness. They aren't bad people, but they have never really (to their knowledge) been around a non-Christian. My husband's mother is kind of my surrogate mother these days--she's probably the nicest person I know--and she tells me that I should probably spare them the heartache of thinking that their granddaughter will go to hell. So far, that feels like the best solution to me.

Apr 26, 2009
Daedra:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

We can't change others or what they think, we can only change ourselves and what we ourselves think. And when others refuse to accept who we really are, but instead feel compelled to judge others, thereby forcing us to hide who we really are, it is them who are not following the so-called "Christian" way.

Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, you have a right to them. Although there are many who visit this site that vehemently disagree with me, I believe what's important is how we treat others, not what our faith or non-faith is. And for those visitors, I say to you, I will not permit this thread to become a place to debate this issue or to try to convert Daedra. I ask that you all be respectful in that regard.

Daedra, I also believe that when others are trying to hurt or harm us, we have a right to draw a line in the sand to protect ourselves, be it physically and/or emotionally. Distance is sometimes necessary. Respect the fact that your grandmother doesn't believe that; but respect the fact that this a very real need for YOU, and then be true to that need.

You, Daedra, are going to come through this with the ability to make a difference in many lives. Keep living your dream. Keep taking care of yourself.


A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 20, 2009
stay strong
by: julie (australia)

I have been visiting this site for a couple of weeks and have never commented, but I am hearing in your post Daedra, my life almost word for word. I believe mothers abuse and neglect can often be harder than a fathers. My mother kicked my father out also and took him to court to keep him away from us. We too were told we were possessed by demons and neglected, abused emotionally and physically. Validation is the key to healing, but I have never got that and am in my forties now so dont hold out much hope. It is especially hard to get validation when an abuser cons everyone else and "acts" caring in front of others.My mother was a Ph.d and still insists we were selfish, lazy, ungrateful. In fact I know now she was projecting herself onto us.she has devestated my ability to trust or have relationships and I wish I had accessed help when I was younger, how different my life might have been. Good luck

Sep 06, 2009
You are an inspiration
by: Anonymous

I feel a great deal of sadness for what you have endured but nothing can change that now...and yes, I do believe that may stay with you forever, but the saddest thing for me to hear from you is that you do not wish to have any children of your own. In my opinion, as a mother myself and survivor of abuse, I can truly tell you that motherhood has been the most wonderful and liberating experience. I doubted at times of the type of mother I would be but it is funny how I am the total opposite of my mother .... I wish you the best. Congratulations on your career. You are a valuable member of society.

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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