Comments for Child Abuse Story From Christina1

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Jun 29, 2009
Replacing negative messages with positive ones...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Christina, admitting that you still have these feelings is a huge step along the path of healing and recovery. If one can't admit to their feelings, then there's nowhere to start. You've done that, so be proud of yourself for that. Your mother being with you does not help the situation, because you revisit all those horrible memories just having her around. So as long as you want to keep her with you, you'll need to find a way to reconcile with what she has done to you. Counselling is one way, if that's available to you.

You are obviously a very loving person, Christina. So look at that and see what you really are: kind, compassionate, caring, loving...it's not a great leap to see that you are worthy AND lovable yourself. Re-write the messages your mother left you with. You have that power. And you have an incredibly wise friend. Keep HER words in your mind, and then whenever the negative messages rear their ugly heads, go back to that oh so positive message. And then tell yourself how wonderful you are. Because you are WONDERFUL, Christina. Believe it. You're the only one who doesn't see it. You see, even though your mother said those dreadful things to you, she wasn't in her right mind. So how can you even consider believing someone out of their right mind. She was ONE person. But now you've taken the torch from her and have continued to tell yourself all the lies she force fed you. These are YOUR thoughts now, Christina. Question those thoughts, and then reverse them. Take back the power you've always had.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir


Jun 30, 2009
no comparrisons can ever be made but are a help understanding similiar type's of abuse.
by: maurice

Christina 1. You are on very special woman/person ever so with your own unique personality. Great you have acknowledged this is me. Loving/caring/smiling/understanding/ feeling the other person feelings in a positive constructive way after all you've been through yourself. Darlene has built up that real side of you and made it your great quality. Your mother was ever so horrid to you, Nature works in strange and mysterious ways Christina, you accepting her to a degree now when all her family and friends are deserting her. You sure are a kind daughter. Please continue to believe in yourself, live well, laugh alot and love much. Think positive, act positive and be positive in all you do and say. Your lovely son (child) will be your strength to do that. I love ME. I'm Beautiful, I'm special. There's only one me and I can accomplish anything I want for me in my life.

Jul 01, 2009
you are an inspiration
by: Tiffany

Christina,
I am so sorry about what you went through as a child. It is so scary to be always anticipating such rage from someone you live with, especially your mother. She could not have been in her right mind to have done such cruel things to you. She treated you worse than a human (that's just my opinion) and you were a child. It was her sick mind telling you that you're worthless and better off dead but it is not the truth. It is incredible that you are so loving, giving, and compassionate to others despite how you were treated. You seem like a very special person. Take care of yourself the way you take care of others, talk to yourself and encourage yourself in the compassionate way you do for others. is there a friend or family you can reach out to, to get support and love the way that neighbor had given you? is your mother still treating you harsh? how is she treating your child? I hope things are better now. make sure you take care of yourself. my thoughts are with you.
Tiffany

Jul 01, 2009
Thank you!
by: Christina

wow, thank you all for your compliments! they made me cry... For so long, I always thought I was nothing. I still do...

I guess I need to learn how to get over that, but I don't know where to begin...

My mom totally denies any wrong doing. It's like she has amnesia. She loves my son and is not abusive towards him at all. I wonder why? I'm happy though, because he needs a grandmom and she needs him. She's alienated everyone in our family and calls me crying, because she is alone. Begging me to come over... I always say yes... My heart breaks when she cries.

Sometimes, I feel physically ill when she is around. She asks me for hugs... What? I cringe when she touches me, and I run for the toilet. As long as she doesnt try to "play mom" around me, then I'm okay. I don't want her to die alone and sad...

Unfortunately, I have no good memories of her... Only abandonment, fear, pain, suffering and the one time she stabbed me... I was beaten almost every day and hated living in that house. I can recall being as young as 3 and hiding behind the dresser when her heard her stomping my way...

I'm SO THANKFUL THAT I DO NOT transfer that to my son. There have been two occassions where he made me so angry, I wanted to smack him. I went into my room and cried. I FEARED I was turning into my mother (he's 5, by the way) and I told my sister about those two times. She said, "because you were so abused, you think that all angry feelings are abusive. All parents get angry enough to want to smack their kids. It's when they beat them, that they're wrong. You didn't do it. You're normal"...

I'm so afraid to become her.

Thank you all for your kind, kind words. I just wish I knew how I could forget it all... Maybe one day, I will have amnesia like my mom...

Ya know, because she acts like that, sometimes I question whether or not it all really happened and I feel crazy...

Deep down, I know it did... I wish it didn't though. Sometimes I wake up- heart pounding, sweating so AFRAID... of - nothing... there is nothing there... But, being beaten while asleep and waking up to that, really had an effect on me...

I'll take one day at a time... Thank you all for your love and kindness... It is so appreciated. May God Bless you ALWAYS.

Jul 01, 2009
Just some final comments...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Christina, you are SO welcome. It's always so appreciated when my visitors take the time to write a heartfelt thank you.

While I would love to comment in-depth to each person who writes me, I just can't do it. However, I've got a few minutes right now so I thought I'd offer a couple of my thoughts about your mother and her "amnesia".

It's likely she does remember, but choses not to think about it or has semi convinced herself that she wasn't capable of such malicious acts; after all, you wouldn't have her in your life if she had been THAT bad. That may well be how she's thinking in order to deal with the shame she harbours; shame that she keeps well hidden, of course. But deep down, she knows what she did and what she was capable of.

Her crying is a way to control; and it works like a charm. You see, Christina, you're a compassionate and loving woman in spite of what you lived through; and your mother knows that. Her crying is in part because of a deep seated fear of being alone, especially given the horrific way she mistreated you while you were growing up. The fact that you still have her in your life is something that fuels some of her fears, because there is always the chance that you'll put an end to seeing her. That would be the greatest fear she has; dying alone. So you see, in her mind, you hold all the cards, all the power, so all that's left is to try controlling the only way that works.

For your mother to have been so vicious against you, she must have come from her own nightmarish past. She certainly didn't come out that way. Perhaps now she's revisiting her own memories and the way things went down with her own parent(s). No excuses, but possible explanations. When you look at and understand the person your mother was as a little girl, then perhaps you'll see things a little differently. I certainly did with my mother.

I stand by what I originally wrote: you exhibit who you really are—a remarkably kind and loving human being—despite a mother who seemed bent on destroying you. We have that in common, Christina; my mother and yours were cut from the same cloth.

I do wish you and your precious son (your mother too) all the best. Thank YOU for writing such a lovely comment.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir



Jul 02, 2009
I'm not sure if all do, but I know a number who have abused who live in total denial
by: maurice

Christina 1, admitting one's guilt is hard at the best of times for most of us, but living with the denial that I was not capable of doing that to you is the most difficult for us who were abused to understand. Your Mother was not a good one and as Darlene say in her comment she (your mother) may be coming from an Nightmarish past which she is in denial of too. No excuses what-so-ever to be cruel, vindictive down right horrid to you. You be strong for yourself and your own beautiful child. You have a loving, caring, nature of a woman and a mother and a child. You epitimise that in your accepting your mother about the place even you live with all the hurt and pain she caused you. Please don't ever feel guilty about your own deep feeling towards her and how she makes you cringe and feel when she is close to you. your most understanding, don't let her be the winner, she abused you, It was not your fault, she needs loads of help (professional) for her to say sorry to you for all she did to you. Christina 1 you have an angel in Darlene, read her comments over and over again and hug yourself over and over again with her hug words to you. They are empowering words to you. You will be fine now that you have a lovely boy to shower all the goodness of a mother on. Your very human behind it all all mothers are, we all are and at times a child brings that out in mothers and parents, so it is okay to be firm with him and tell him that is wrong. From your own beating and abuse you'll be aware I'm not going down that road to love and cherish my very own beautiful child. Christina 1 look in that Mirror and love and hug that sweet mother/woman with all your female beautifulness/prettiness and giftedness. I am beautiful and only me can erase all those bad memories of abuse on my now beautiful body. Allow your friends whom you trust with your life to hug and touch that beautiful body of mine. It is a good and wonderful feeling to be loved and hugged

Jul 02, 2009
You are doing an amazing job
by: Tiffany

Christina,
You are a woman of incredible strength. Everything you are experiencing is so normal - feeling sick when you see your mother, being afraid you'll turn out like her,... you experienced horrific abuse. If you can get therapy, do so, because it is so helpful. Otherwise, maybe you can get support in other ways. You are so worth it. I think wondering if you're crazy and if it really happened is also normal. It happened to me. My brother sexually abused me and sexually and physically abused others in my family but when he wasn't abusive he could be really charming and sweet. so i thought i was the one who was crazy. people would say they met my brother and compliment me on what a wonderful guy he was. boy did that get me confused! I could love him and hate him at the same time! also, I know of a couple other abusers and all of them totally denied what they did. Anyway, my point is that you are absolutely not crazy. trust yourself and continue to take care of yourself. wishing you all the best.
Thank you for your words of thanks.

Jul 03, 2009
Very Moving
by: Melissa

Dear Christina,

I had to cry when I read your story - thank you so much for sharing this. I just got out of a relationship with a man who had a very similar background. He was abused so severely by his father: beaten, whipped, intimidated. He was made to feel that he was worthless; he was constantly reminded that he was worthless and that no one would love him. Needless to say, after years he began to believe it. While I constantly reassured him that I loved him, he always held back; I knew that he was too scared to let himself go. The fear crippled him to the point that we finally separated.
I want him to he happy and free from fear; whether with me or with someone else.
But can I ask you: Do you feel afraid of intimacy in the same manner? Do you think that there is something I could do as a loved-one to help him?

Jul 04, 2009
The value of Darlene's site human feelings the world over
by: maurice

Oh Chritina 1, I am so proud of you and how telling your story has helped others like Melissa to ask you how to heal her ex boy friend to love himself and allow others to love him and be intimate with another in a relationship after all he was put through by his cruel father in his life. One story shared is a great help to others who are Visitors to Darlene's site. Ownership of one's own abuse is a must because the pain of it belongs to that person only. There are so many similarities in stories but we must not compare, we must feel and empathise with the one doing his/her best to deal and heal oneself.I am certain Christina your story benefited many and your comment back to Melissa will help her help her friend. Honesty in telling causes natural re-actions in each one of us who read them and the comments. You are beautifully human, tender, loving, strong, brave, courageous, caring, especially of yourself that is evident when a visitor like Melissa asks you can you be intimate after all you've been through. After alot of loving of oneself first intimacy with another is a must to accept that for every abuser there are 75 other real human beings out there to love and be loved. Who allow and respect the one who was abused and respects them for who they are. I am certain intimacy is there for all of us who were abused. We need to believe in ourselves and have a strong Mirror image of how beautiful we really are after being scarred by our abuser. We must end up the winner for the love of ourselves. Christina 1 great being ever so close to you in our human respect for each other miles separating us but our hearts go out to each other.

Jul 05, 2009
Different
by: Christina

Maurice, thank you again for your kind, kind words. They mean so much to me. You are truly a very good hearted person.

Melissa... I am the total opposite of your ex. I was in several really bad relationships (none were ever physically abusive) but, I dealt with a lot of things just to keep him around. I have a different fear. Fear of abandonment. My father left when I was two and never came back. Apparently, from what I hear, that devastated me. From what I've been told by my older sis (who is 10 years older than me) and my grandmom, I was really very close to my father.

I've also been told that because I look like just like my dad and thats what hurt my mom the most. That that is the only reason why she chose me out of my 3 sisters, to abuse.

What I've told is only a very small fraction of her torment. She would not allow me to have any friends, at all. She used to like to embarrass me by making me walk down the street next to her hands full of my hair. I'm fairly tall, too. Always have been. So, she would grab me by my hair and make me walk down the street bent by her side. All the neighbors would watch and the kids would laugh at me.

When I got a bit older, I made 3 really close girlfriends. One day, when I went to school, I noticed that two of them weren't talking to me. They were avoiding me. The 3rd girl came up to me around lunch and said, "Yo, your mom is nuts. She called my mom and told her that you were a prostitute and on drugs and that I should have no interaction with you. My mom said that she didn't believe her. She said that if it is true, why would you call here and tell us this? She would need friends more than ever. She said your mom seems nuts." I cried... She was trying to get rid of the only friends I had in my life. It worked for two of them...

I got off topic, Melissa, I'm sorry... What I want to say is that people handle things differently. For me, I want so desperately for someone to acknowledge me, that I've dealt with any crap for so long, just so they wouldn't leave. I've been petrified of abandonment. So bad so, that just the thought leaves me crippled in the bathroom vomiting.

For your ex, he may be the opposite. He may want to not let anyone close to him, for fear that he may get hurt, and his defense is just to keep everyone away. Unfortunately, the only thing I can think of, is for him to get professional help. If he can't, then he may never change. It's hard. For so long you're told you're worthless. Your younger years are the most impressionable years. If they're tainted, your future tends to be. I know mine was/is.

All you can do is love him. I honestly don't think the relationship will ever be okay unless he takes care of his feelings. Otherwise, you may always feel like an outsider, looking in. And it will just hurt you more and more to watch him fade away. I'm sorry I don't have a better answer :(

Jul 21, 2009
Thanks for sharing
by: Lisa Summer

Reading your story brought tears to my eyes.I am glad you are a in a different place now emotionally, and still see your mum. I still see my mum too, and sometimes Is it and wonder if she even deserves to be a part of my life or my children's life. I guess forgiving her has made all the difference in the world ... to both of us. I feel the burden of the memories and agony has subsided now. I know, and more importantly, she knows, that from now on, our relationship has to be on my terms, and those terms are simple ... treat me like you would your respected friend at work or at church. Don't call me names, don't shout at me, don't beat me, don't abuse me in anyway if you want me and your grandkids in your life. Its been a long road before she finally understood my terms. By trial an error over the years she tried to have a relatiionship, and each time she would regress into her abusive nature, she would get a swift reminder from me that i was now an adult and no longer had to put up with her abuse. And indeed would not put up with it. She has gotten much better over the years. And I am glad for it. Feeling good in my heart. But my head still holds memories... I guess it always will. Thanks for sharing your story , it was amazing. All love and peace and joy to you forever and ever. God bless. Love from Lisa Summer

Jul 22, 2009
a ray of sunshine and hope, I'M SPECIAL
by: maurice

Christina 1, It brought great joy to my heart reading the wonderful words Lisa Summer wrote to you. A shining light to you in her admiration of you and herself. You both are good for each other. Always believe in yourself. I am Special. Don't just say it believe it. I love me and I always will, I am the most important person (woman) ever birthed. Forgiveness is a great healer, well done for being so brave. Christine 1 Darlene and all her visitors which includes me are ever so happy and proud of you. Live well, laugh alot, LOVE MUCH. Hug that wonderful and great woman in the mirror, era go on.

Sep 08, 2009
i hope you will be ok
by: gaeafreechs

i was shocked and was touched by your story. i can feel how hard it is to experienced those kinds of abuse especially to the person you thought who will fight for you and protect you in any way. is right that mothers are the protectors. please free yourself from any pain. I think that at some point you can feel hatred but you are not aware of it. please do a self reflection..

Sep 09, 2009
A loving person (Human) crossed our path's once again
by: maurice

The recent comment to you by a caring/loving human being I would say beautiful woman brought you back in my pathway of thoughts for you this day. Well, how are you journeying in yoursefl these days Special You. Stll loving yourself to bit & pieces in the Mirror I hope. I am the most wonderful and beautiful woman ever Birthed. Oh yes you are Believe it Christina1

Oct 27, 2009
there is hope
by: Anonymous

wow!you are a GREAT person!I don't know if I could have the strength that you do to except her into your home let alone into your baby's life after what she did to you..that just shows how truely wonderful and amazing you are!I would also advise you to get some counsling, honey.

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