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Mar 16, 2009
Part 1: Counselling and the line in the sand with your mother...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Carol, first thing I want to say is that I'm delighted you are in counselling. That tells me you have a willingness to treat yourself well, better than just about anyone ever has. It also tells me that you have tremendous strength; no one knows better either of us just how grueling and draining counselling can be, but we also both know how freeing it can be.

You've drawn a line in the sand with regard to a relationship with your mother; I really and truly believe that is a very healthy thing for you right now. It might not always be that way, but right now, you must focus on yourself and your own mental health. As you get stronger and more confident within yourself you may or may not decide to let her back into your life. Just to share something about my own relationship with my mother, I too drew that line in the sand. I did let her back into my life when I was in my early twenties, but she was so manipulative and controlling (she tried to get me to leave my husband, the most supportive person who has ever entered my life) so I drew that line even deeper. I was estranged from her for almost 15 years. The only reason it wasn't longer is because my mother was terminally ill with bone cancer, and as a member of my family of 2 sisters and 2 brothers, I became my mother's medical advocate. She died about 6 months later. But there was no Hollywood-type reunion, or anything truly lovey about our arrangement. I simply did what needed to be done in order to ensure her comfort and care. She had named me executrix of her will, so after her death, I ensured her wishes were honoured. There was no real love, but there was no hate either. I share this with you because I want you to know that whatever you do for yourself, as long as you did it in your own best interest, then it's the right thing to do.

See Part 2: Your uncle and emotions... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 16, 2009
Part 2: Your uncle and emotions...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

As for your feelings about your uncle...completely understandable. I too would get a great deal of relief knowing my sexual abuser could no longer abuse me or others. In fact, I myself and delighted that he can no longer abuse little girls. So for goodness sake, don't beat yourself up about that. Regarding a confrontation, it is my position that they don't work. They don't yield the results victims seek. They are rife with denials, minimizations, or worse, they end with the abuser blaming the victim; all of this serves to re-victimize. As you move through the process of counselling, perhaps you and your counsellor can do a mock confrontation with this uncle, one done within the confines and safety of the session. I did this in therapy myself, with both my mother and father; very cathartic indeed. I do hope you'll stay in counselling. With your positive attitude, you'll get a great deal from it.

The seemingly endless and "without reason" anger and hostility you feel are a direct relationship to the feelings you had to suppress as a child. Allow yourself to feel them, Carol, in the safety of your sessions and when you are alone. I found when this happened that I sometimes had to remove myself from a situation (going into the bathroom was a help to me) so that I could give myself a few minutes to just "loose it". If I felt I needed more and couldn't do it safely, I would give myself permission to have my meltdown when I got home. Sometimes that was easier said than done, as my emotions would surface uncontrollably. But giving yourself permission might be helpful most of the time; it was for me.

And just for the record, Carol, you have nothing to feel guilt or shame for. Guilt and shame lies squarely on the shoulders of your molesting uncle. He was the adult; you were the child. As an adult, he not only knew better, he took full advantage of your youth and your vulnerabilities. For that, he will pay a serious karmic debt.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 16, 2009
Carol F:
by: maurice.

Carol F. great you are in counselling, yes it is tough and painful but it will do you the world of good by staying the course. I have many friends who gave up because it was too much for them and are doing their best to have the courage to continue with it. Those who have died will nevr know now the awful hurt they've caused us whom they abused. Forgiveness of a kind is my way of letting them out of my life and out of my mind. dealing with my own abuse even during when the person was alive was difficult as I did not accept he abused me bacause. He was well dead when I through the help of friends and professional people said, yes I was abused. Carol be brave, be strong persevere with your counselling. Your lucky I hope that you can afford it or is there means by which you can be counselled for free.??

Note from Darlene: Maurice, you'll note I removed your email address from the title field above. I have a strict policy that does not allow personal information such as email addresses, street addresses, phone/cell numbers, etc. within submissions or comments. This is to ensure the safety of all who visit on this site, since there is no way for me to know who is visiting. I thank you for your understanding.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 17, 2009
similar
by: touched2mysoul

I read your story and the first lines I found familiar. It was my mom that abused me.. it was my dad that i made me feel safe. I too have drawn the line in the sand with my mother and i commend you for the strenght it takes to make decisions that you need to make to keep you safe. Cutting all ties with ones mother is very difficult even with abuse as being the reason. A mothers love is something we all cherish, expect and need. Take care of yourself... I wish you the best and thank you for sharing your story... i read it at a time that i needed to see similiarity in life... Though our stories are not exactly the same... there is a relating that i found and it helps to find that... it makes one feel not so alone.
I wish for you more love than your heart can hold.

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