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Dec 08, 2008
Perhaps you can learn from the lessons I've learned...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Paul, you may think you're alone in your experiences, but nothing could be further from the truth. As I read through your story, I found myself relating on many levels, but mostly, I found myself understanding on a level that might surprise you.

Allow me to share some lessons I've learned along my own path of healing and recovery. Perhaps you'll find some personal truth within these learned lessons of mine....

I learned how easy it was to circumvent my pain with the use of the self-acquired knowledge I had gained through self-help books.

I learned I was obsessed with gaining information from every imaginable source, not for the purpose of applying the information to my pain, but because I was trying to avoid my pain.

I learned that self-help books and analysis were helpful, ONLY when my motives were to actually incorporate the theories and philosophies within my own life.

I learned that I had to incorporate the theories and philosophies from those self-help books within my own life, but only after I stopped eluding my own pain. They could not be used as a mask to hide what it was I had to face.

I learned that I had defined myself by the past I had endured. I did not know who I really was, other than a child abuse survivor. I became my child abuse story. My story was who I was.

Then I learned that my story was just that, "my story", and that "my story" was in my Past not in my Present, and that I was now a fully grown woman with the ability to make choices for myself, and that I could no longer fall on "my story" to excuse my own dysfunctional behaviour, and that "my story" was made up of memories and thoughts about those memories, and that thoughts can be changed, and that when I changed what I thought, I changed how I felt.

Paul, as a child you had no power; as an adult you have the power to choose the outcome of your life. If you believe you won't succeed, you won't. If you believe that self-help books won't help you, they won't. If you believe that a therapist won't help, s/he won't. If you believe the power of positive thinking won't work for you, it won't work for you.

You are the creator of your own life, Paul; but as long as you think of yourself and indentify with yourself as a victim of child abuse, you will be doomed to live your entire life as a victim of child abuse. Change what you think; you'll automatically change how you feel.

You said: "Somewhere, somehow, the hurting that goes on in this world has to stop." You're right, Paul; and it starts with you.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I'll post Part 2 of your story in the next day or two, and your healing story after that. Right now, I have 7 submissions in queue, so please understand if it takes a bit longer.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 09, 2008
relating
by: touched2mysoul

I relate all to well in your quest to find out who you are and the relating of doing whatever you could to findout more information..
I found this site because on some level i too am looking for relating to my experience. I am looking for answers... the truth is i know i will never get those answers as the events are in the past...but i keep searching for who i was to have become instead of who i am... I understand your search... enjoy who you are... i thank you for sharing your story...i heard you and i relate.

Dec 14, 2008
Thank you
by: Canadian Survivor

Dear Darlene and Touched2MySoul,

Thank you. Your comments meant quite a lot.

In the week that followed my original postings, I came to understand that there were two areas I was completely avoiding all my life.

One was repressed anger and the reasons why.

The other, was the massive role religion played in my younger life, what it meant to me, and how it impacted on my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.

I was also able to look back at my childhood and realize what a beautiful little boy I was at age 4; full of hope and happiness.

This opened the flood gates. The numbing I have felt all my life seems to be opening up.

It feels joyous and terrorfying all at once.

No self-help book or intellectualizing is going to help.

I am doing what I should have done years ago.

I am going to a centre in my city where experts in trauma and abuse work, so that they can guide me through safely as I integrate the various traumas I experienced in my life, with my life history.

Thank you so much Darlene. You've opened my eyes, and so much more.

I will keep you posted.

Paul

Feb 09, 2009
Information Please
by: Anonymous

If you, Paul, are still checking into this site regularly, I would like to know the name of the support group you found in Ottawa. I am also living in Ottawa and can relate to many facets and feelings conveyed in your personal history. If you do not want to publicly post the name and/or location of the group you attend(ed), (inserted by Darlene: leave a message here, asking Darlene to privately email me with the details.) I would very much appreciate hearing from you.

Tracy

Note from Darlene: Tracy, due to safety concerns, I have a strict policy about leaving any personal information in comments and submissions. I've therefore inserted a segment and removed your email address in your comment. If Paul wishes to keep the group name confidential, but is willing to send it to me, I'll forward it to you via a personal email. I hope this meets with your approval and your understanding.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 08, 2009
HEARTBREAKING
by: CATALINO MONTOYA

I FEEL YOUR PAIN. IT IS NOT EASY TO STAND UP, BUT YES, IN LIFE, WE ARE MANDATED TO STAND UP NOT TO STAY DOWN.I WAS ABUSED TOO IN MANY WAYS, BUT I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING MY DESTINY. I HAD OVERCOME THE IMPOSSIBLE. IT WAS NOT EASY, BUY HEY, I STAND UP. FIRST, THAT EPISODE OF MY LIFE IS OVER. IT IS LOCATED IN THE PAST. I CANNOT LIVE IN THE PAST, BUT I CAN LEARN FROM IT. MY PRESENT AND MY PRESENT IS SO IMPORTANT, THAT I HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE THINKING ABOUT THE ABUSE. TO THE HELL WITH THE PERPETRATOR. BLESSING ARE JUST COMING TO MY LIFE. STAND UP.

Mar 10, 2009
To Anonymous who posted Mar 10, 2009:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Anonymous, I've not posted your response in this thread because it is intended strictly for validating and encouraging comments to the person who wrote their story; in this case, Canadian Survivor. If you could tell me what thread prompted your response, I will move it to the appropriate spot and post it there. But just so you know, I have no access to your email address if you included one (if you did, it's blind to me) in order to be notified of future comments. So even if I do move it, I have no way to notify you once I delete the comment from this thread. Thank you for your understanding.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir


Mar 10, 2009
Response to Darlene
by: Anonymous

Hi Darlene,

My response was initially to the Canadian Survivor but, because I had to reduce its length to 3000 characters, I lost some of the connection to his story (You may recall, Paul and I both live in Ottawa and I was initially looking for the centre he went to here for treatment). I'm pretty sure my whole blog entry was shorter in length than others I have seen posted and so I'm not sure why I was limited to the 3000 characters in my post (I initially had more written down but had to abort some of it). Anyway, that is why you can't see the connection between his post and mine.

Tracy

From Darlene: Tracy, I will move your post to its own page, but a few things I will point out first: One, I currently have 11 submissions in queue. I can usually only post 3 or 4 a day. Today I posted submissions from Mar 6th. Two, I will address your issues when I post your submission. Three, the 3000 character limit (approx. 500 - 525 words) applies to every single comment thread on this site, including those that have been written by me. Submissions themselves have a 10,000 character limit. That's why I have been known to post within the content of the submission, as well as in Parts on the comments. The character limit refers to spaces and the title as well as the comment. Prior to the 3000, it was actually only 500. While it may seem as though there are threads with more, it is most likely because there are fewer spaces within the comment. Four, I will now leave this thread exclusively for Canadian Survivor.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir


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