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May 16, 2011
To Anonymous:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Your therapy sessions helped you to understand why you cut. You are now faced with deciding how to stop cutting. But that can only happen if you want to stop. As long as you get the payoff (your perceived release) and you don't question your perception, chances are you'll continue. Continuing along this path continues to have consequences: lack of trust, keeping the secret, not allowing yourself to fully feel the emotions that send you to cutting and thereby never giving them the chance to let you go. When you're ready to make a different choice for your Self, then perhaps you'll decide to go back into therapy to learn the tools and resources you need to deal with all the overwhelming emotions when they strike. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 16, 2011
The sooner, the better...Darlene is right!
by: Anonymous

Anonymous, your so-called mom is wrong. You are not stupid; you are smart and articulate. You are not pathetic; you are not weak; you are strong. Something's seriously wrong with her and she needs help. Oh, and did I mention that she also abused your sister mostly by grooming her to be anti-social towards you? Oh, and beating the crap out of herself in front of you really as nothing to do with you; in fact, it's all on her. Anyway, you are not to blame for her nearly-sadistic, ignorant behavior; she is to blame because she chose to abuse you. You were the child; she was the adult; she had all the power and only misused it over you. Oh, and mothers who abuse their own daughters are, in fact, one of the real abusers, so the sooner you tell, the better. Darlene is right! Please tell someone you really trust (yes, you can even tell your boss and co-workers) and keep telling until he/she will finally listen to you and help you.

May 17, 2011
THERE ARE WAYS OUT OF THIS 1
by: Anonymous

Hi!
I have witnessed most of the horrific things you talked about in your post. They are excruciatingly painful, incredibly scary, they sap the life out of you, the cause terror, anxiety and a feeling you are out of control and that it is "somehow" your fault for making another person hurt themselves. My father was just like that. He would hit my mother or starve himself, or break the furniture, or lie on the floor and pretend he was too depressed to get up, he wouldnt have showers or allow a wound to heal, or tell me my behavior would cause him to die, that he hated me and I was a ?snake? poisoning him, that he would commit suicide and it would be my fault?you name it? just because "we didnt understand him and made him angry". But I want you to know this! No person in their right minds does this!
To us, this is real because that's what WE KNOW and when our mothers/fathers occasionally make sense (because they arent "out of it" ALL the time), it gives us the feeling they are normal. How can they have normal discussions one minute, or say something normal and then LOSE it and do things like that? Just because they can sometimes make sense, or just because WE are related to them, or just because they are parents and so "they know what is best, they know WE are hurting them", it is NOT REAL. People like our parents can actually have normal conversations, even have some valid opinions and ideas, they might have jobs or talk about politics?whatever. They aren?t ALWAYS acting bizarre so when they act up our brains go ?hang on a second. This means its my fault because how can they be ok and make sense and then NOT make sense? Could they be right?? Would they be ok if we were different? Are we causing them this pain??

May 17, 2011
THERE IS HELP OUT THERE 2
by: Anonymous

The first step is to understand without a shadow of a doubt that your mother IS VERY ILL. And that makes her dangerous! She cannot stop herself from hurting you, your sister or herself and she needs to be stopped. In order to convince yourself please read about living with a mentally ill parent and you?ll see that its true. Just Google it! If you feel guilty know that it might not be her fault BUT it is a real condition and she NEEDS HELP. Please contact somebody and get your sister OUT OF THERE. My own sister, was so terrified and abused, she turned a blind eye and let me live in hell for years because she never told anyone. I was also very aggressive to her. And one of the reasons was because I was jealous of her. I saw her life as perfect, or that "she got out" and I hated to feel that she had a safe place to live, money and a life and I was stuck in the house. I was an adult but I was scared to move out so I was jealous. Never forget that anger can be a way to block emotions. Angry people seem to be stronger! They arent. Its fear hiding behind anger. It doesn?t necessarily mean that she ?hates you and is turning like your mother?. It could mean that she is copying your mothers behaviors to survive. Perhaps that's what your sister is doing. She is trying to protect her-self (subconsciously). But in any case, do YOU take the risk of letting her live there when you know that it is already affecting her?? Do not assume she will ?make it unscathed? because she might be not as strong as you. And she clearly doesn?t ?get it? as well or she would be out. Talking to her might not work. Just tell somebody and get your mother HELP.
In the case that I didn?t understand your post well and your sister is NOT living with your mother but is now abusing you, you absolutely MUST keep yourself away from her too. Because she is in no place to understand you and her actions just add insult to injury right now and make things so much worse. Do not think that because your sister is acting like so, YOU are to blame. My father had my mother, my uncle, my aunt and grandmother do the SAME things to me! His illness affected them so badly they all turned into mini versions of dad. Validity DOES NOT REST in numbers. Even if the whole town was acting like your mother around you, its STILL abuse and its STILL wrong! If your sister is out of the house, do not communicate anything until she gets the help she needs.

May 17, 2011
THERE IS HELP OUT THERE 3
by: Anonymous

You are both in danger. Do not feel bad that the abuse went on (and goes on) now that you are an adult. It doesnt matter how old you are. I had the same issues with self- blame. I am 32 years old and I still occasionally get abused by my father (now I dont live with them so the abuse is mostly verbal-I never stick around long enough to escalate to physical). I KNEW that what I was going through as an adult was sick and wrong, I knew that I was being hurt, but I couldnt stop myself from getting hurt because as I saw it "I was stupid and going back for more and it was my father so he must be right at least about some of the things he said". That is NOT THE CASE. It has NOTHING to do with being stupid or faulty or different to other people. It has everything to do with guilt, pain, and how you were raised. You were brainwashed and conditioned to respond the way you do! And please do not take being strong in other areas of your life as a sign that you "ought to be better". You are strong at work and with people because lets face it. YOU HAVE TO. You cannot starve to death or not talk to anybody right? Its this feeling that people wont understand that you are "faulty" and bizarre that makes you cut yourself and keep them at an arms length.
There are MANY different things the brain does in order to stop the pain. You chose self-mutilation. I am sorry Im using this expression. Just as your mother cut your soul, you cut yourself. Did you know that the pain and pleasure centre of the brain is the same? Its located in the same area. I used to pull at my hair so hard it would come off in my hands and hit my head till I got a head ache. Pain, blocks emotional pain. THIS IS WRONG. There is a reason you are doing this, there IS "logic" behind it. The brain, YOU, are doing it for a reason but this reason is NOT good for you! Its self punishing. Would you be doing this to a child? NO, of course NOT. So why do you feel you deserve such treatment? You see how things get confusing? The brain has a ready excuse for that?even though you would NEVER EVER dream of cutting another person, you cut yourself.

May 17, 2011
THERE IS HELP OUT THERE 4
by: Anonymous

Please go back to therapy. Please please talk to somebody NOW. Please find other outlets to express your pain and anger. You are cutting because you are angry at yourself and your mother and you are allowing this anger and pain to be turned AGAINST YOURSELF because you feel you deserve it. Even if you cannot feel it NOW, please please please trust me that its not your fault!! There ARE other methods that will give you exactly the same release. My therapist talked about a number of those and they stopped the self mutilation. After the self mutilation I became suicidal!!! I almost committed suicide because my methods stopped working and I didn?t have ways to relax or take stock of my feelings. All those THINGS CAN BE LEARNED. You are already going back and replaying the trauma in your mind and you feel the emotions. It?s the best time to get help NOW. You will get the BEST results NOW. Reliving the memories is done so that you can SEE how its affecting you. Its not something ?strange? your brain does. People do this all the time. You are lucky your mind is doing it now instead of when you are 50 years old, have lived a life of emotional pain, had kids and you suddenly started feeling like you do now. You have a chance to transform your pain sooner!!! Give yourself a pat in the back for being strong enough to relieve the feelings. You should be soooo proud of you.
It CAN CHANGE, it WILL CHANGE but you need to do it NOW. Do not wait until your feelings are over the top and then you start cutting yourself before you ask for help. You KNOW you are abused and this pain doesnt go away. You have already started to dissociate. You know what that is? The getting lost and not feeling in your body and not knowing if and what is real? This means ANXIETY so severe you will either get seriously ill OR your mind will block everything and just pretend its not there. Dissociation gets worse! I became so disossiative I thought my body didnt really belong to me. So please do not wait until it gets so bad, you cannot deal with it. Do not trust your feelings. Feel them but don?t trust everything they tell you. They will try to convince you that "its ok, I can go on living" or you might even forget. Feel the intensity the one minute and the next it might not even feel real. You might second guess yourself and say "do I really feel that bad? do I actually have it that bad? am I overreacting?". NO YOU ARENT. THE ABUSE YOU ENDURED WAS AWFUL. AND YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE because you ARE WORTH IT!!!!!

May 17, 2011
THERE IS HELP OUT THERE 5
by: Anonymous

If you do not believe me, please go read "basic human rights" and "the Geneva Convention" and you'll see how your life of terror has gone against what the UN considers as appropriate FOR THE HUMAN RACE. This might convince your brain so it will allow you to get off the guilt treadmill. Whenever you feel that you can ?deal with this? on your own or that it isn?t in fact so severe, or real, or that other people had it worse, just look at your life and how it is affecting it. Its not YOUR incapability, its not your personality that stops you from being close to people, it?s the self-protection you had to assimilate which is doing all that. Look at your life. Why would you be feeling so low if the abuse is NOT AS SEVERE? Im wishing you ALL THE BEST FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. We are ALL HERE for you if you need to talk. YOu arent alone! Im sorry for the long post but I?ve vowed that if I ever came across a situation that resembled mine I WOULD TRY to save people pain, time and suffering and help them reclaim their lives faster. Take your time and think things through. You might need to convince yourself that you need to get help and you might not feel like getting it now. Don?t feel low if you cant face a therapist right this instant. But know that there is an incredible amount of help out there and brilliant tools to get you where you want to be. To have a great life!! IT CAN BE DONE.

May 17, 2011
be brave: Be Strong: Love your beautiful Self
by: maurice

I am beautiful: Celebrate you: You are worth celebrating: You are worth everything: Your professional: Your intelligent: Your gifted: Tallented; with leadership qualities: Obedient daughter letting your mother abuse you out of a false love that she was right and you still were the nsughty girl even at 21: Sadly for you, you had such a sicko of a mother who never valued herself as a mother: Never loved and cherished you as her beautiful baby out of her womb: Darlene sure gives you hope: affirms you: gives you sturdy stepping stones to move on in your life: How to stop cutting that beautiful sensitive skin of yours: STOP NOW: I will: I can I must because I am WORTH it: Become active and alive: change your pattern of living: Your only 26 years of age: Young enough to get out there with like-minded people taking part in team sports: Sporting and cultural activities : Oh beautiful one: You say you find it hard to make friends build a relatonship etc: Now is your chance: I guarantee with a short time you won't know the difference: So on with the track suit out with the Women being a leader and sharing your giftedness and your tallents: You'll make real and natural friend forever: Then new horizons will open up for you the men will flow into your life: which ever just in case I have read your truthfullness wrongly: The feminine touch seemed to be there Annonymous: between the lines: Be gentle and kind to yourself and your beautiful body: Look in the mirror: Why would anyone want to abuse such a body; Now hug and cuddle love, kindness, understanding etc into that beautiful body: Soothe over the parts you cut with scented oils or creams: Medication creams if needed: Darlene gave you her loving comment from her woman's heart take ownership pf her comment profession beauty: I WILL I CAN I MUST: WHY?????????
Look in the mirror and say: because I am WORTH it; You won't wnt to be cutting ever again: Get therapy too Missy

May 18, 2011
Brilliant
by: Anonymous

Beautiful post Maurice! I used logic and you say it with feeling! That is exactly what Im hoping our friend gets! Best of both worlds!!!!

May 26, 2011
Don't let this distroy you
by: Elaine Ellis

I read your story, and it reminded me somewhat of mine.
Abuse is a horrible thing, and we must all remember that where one type of abuse is taking place, be it sexual, physical, or otherwise, there is ALWAYS also emotional abuse.
Your story is a perfect example. Not only are you being harmed physically, but the emotional blackmail that goes with it is damaging you too. Abusers are good at that. They seem to be able to push all the right buttons emotionally, making us feel guilty, scared, embarrassed, threatened, imtimidated, ashamed... and loads more. Probably because these abusers are so often people who are meant to be our "nearest and dearest". They know things about us that they can manipulate for their own ends.
You do not need to feel bad, or guilty; and I'm sure that in therapy you learned this. However, because you have been brought up with these feelings, because they have been drummed into you by your abuser(s), they are very hard to let go of. Abuse is not only hurtful, it is confusing. Because you are made to feel as though it is your fault. So you spend unnecessary time trying to figure out what you did wrong.
When you cut yourself, it allows you to release all those feelings. You feel "bad", so there is a need to punish yourself. Afterwards, you may feel better.
But you are kidding yourself. When you cut, you release endorphins into the body. These are what make you feel good (they are the body's own feel good hormones!). But the feeling cannot last for ever, because it is unnatural. Artificial. You have to create it.
How about working with your therapist to find other ways of creating that good feeling? You need to be open and honest about why you cut, and about how this action makes you feel "better". You need to be prepared to educate yourself as to your patterns of behaviour - what triggers your attacks on yourself. You need to learn to understand the links between your past abuse, and your cutting. And you need to work hard to break them.
You are now continuing to punish yourself unnecessarily. You have worked hard. You are a young professional woman, which suggests to me that you are clever, attractive, diligent, aspiring... Are any of those "bad" qualities?
You have a lot more going for you than you think, and need to leave behind your guilt and self-harm. Use your intelligence and insight to learn abou yourself, and to grow and develop. Don't be held back by your past.
I have shared my own story on Open Space, and you might like to read it if you think it could help. In the meantime, persevere. I wish you the best.

Jun 05, 2011
Thank you so much for all of your replies.
by: Anonymous

Thanks for your replies-

I am seriously considering going back into therapy, I know that I need to work my way through all of my emotions and all of the issues.

I am really scared of going back though- I grew extremely attached to my therapist, I think because for the first time in my life somebody listened to me. I never let him know my feelings but I dont think that I can deal with becoming attached like that again.

Thanks for your support.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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