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Jun 09, 2009
Part 1: Your mother was not in her right mind...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Anonymous, your mother was not thinking right. Clearly, she was "out of her right mind" with rage, most likely from her own past. That's not an excuse, it's an explanation. There can be no excuses for such brutal behaviour toward a child. As for your father, by not coming to your aid, by refusing to intervene, he was an enabler, which made him every bit as responsible for the abuse as your mother was; when either parent chooses to ignore the abusive acts of the other, that parent is also guilty of child abuse. You were abused by BOTH your parents; and you felt it as the ultimate rejection. Anonymous, you were betrayed and abandoned by your parents. But not because you did anything wrong. You did NOTHING wrong. You are not to blame for any of what happened to you. Blame lies squarely on the shoulders of your mother and father. I hope you understand that on both a logical and emotional level.

You said your mother went after you and not your sister. That is a lot more common than people believe. The reason society has a difficult time with this is that it tears at the fabric of who we see ourselves to be, especially when the abuser is the mother. Society doesn't want to believe that mothers in particular, the caregivers and nurturers, are capable of harming their children. In truth, mothers are capable of many horrific acts against their children. And they most definitely are capable of targeting one of them. I point you toward an article on this site that I wrote some time ago. You might find it helpful: Why parents target a specific child for abuse Again, no excuses, just some possible explanations.

See Part 2: Intimate relationships... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jun 09, 2009
Part 2: Intimate relationships...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

As for intimate relationships, I'm not at all surprised you've had difficulties. You didn't have the best model in your home growing up. Your lack of trust in a boyfriend may well be unconscious mistrust in your father. You see, Anonymous, when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, the most influential parent in a child's life is the opposite sex parent. Not to mention your unresolved feelings of betrayal at your father's lack of intervention. It is possible that any man who enters your life will pay the price of your father's betrayal, which means that in order to embrace a healthy intimate relationship with a man, you'll need to work out your feelings about your father. For that, I strongly recommend the help of a counsellor or therapist. You mentioned that you're on meds; perhaps you're already seeing someone. I hope so. You didn't deserve to be mistreated as a child. You DO deserve help for the fact that you were.

I'm also going to take a risk and suggest a book, a book that is highly controversial, even blasphemous in religious circles. But before I suggest this book, I need you to keep an open mind. I need you to understand the difference between religion and spirituality. And there most certainly IS a difference. The book I'm about to recommend will show you the difference. Please don't write it off on the basis of the title. Conversations with God by Neil Donald Walsch is a 3-book series, but it can be purchased as a combined 3-volume hardcover. Try to overcome your feelings about "God" and consider—just consider—reading it, Anonymous.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jun 09, 2009
All mothers were reared differently
by: maurice

I guess we'll never understand how some couple meet, fall in love and get married and have children. While the majority of family life is 100% correct and happy families are created with the ongoing values being passed on when such children marry. It takes all kinds of to make up humanity. I guess nature begets nature in how some couples come together. opposites marry and have children. It looks as if you were born into such a family Anonymous 34. A mother needing loads of help herself using and abusing you at will making you feel inadequate, no good, etc when actually that is where she was at in herself. Having a husband your father who let her do the chastising and correcting and did not bother how cruel she was to you. You'll be fine, now that you have found Darlene's site. If you really want to get on in your life and really love the beautiful person you still are in yourself after all that happened to you then read slowly Darlene's helpful words to you. I guarantee if you really LOVE yourself you will and move onwards and upwards in your life. I will never understand like you how any adult could do such awful things to an innocent child's body so tender and beautiful Let your caring for those children be your inner strength to move on in your life. Think positive, act positive, be positive in all you do for yourself each day. Look in that mirror the bigger the better and say I love me. I am special and I can now begin to love all the parts of my body that were hurt and abused as being part of my physical beautifulness. Our beauty works from within out so acknowledge that any your prettyness. Go for that book Darlene suggests. treat yourself. God created you beautiful. It was not HE/SHE abused you. Don't be angry with Him. Don't be angry with yourself.

Jun 09, 2009
Forgiveness is for you....
by: Judy

not your mother. It is healthy to forgive for ones own sanity but your mother will need to seek her own forgiveness. Forgiveness does not make what she did to you 'right' - there was nothing right about what she did. However, to move forward in your life it was best that you forgave her - but you do not have to continue to let her harm you and you do not have to deal with her unless you want to. I am angry at her for hurting you and Lord knows she had better be glad she wasn't my sister, aunt, or friend because I would have stepped up to the plate for you. Anger doesn't solve anything but it is an emotion that consumes the mind and soul - it is good you let it go and I will have to do so at this very moment also :). Forgiving does not mean that you will ever forget - but do not let those memories hold you hostage to your past. Best to you! Judy

Jun 12, 2009
A Cruel Mother
by: Anonymous

Sweetheart, your mother is wrong. You are not stupid; you are not an idiot; you are not a dumb a**; you are not a b**** (sorry for my French, Darlene); you are not a moron; you are not a whore; you are beautiful, smart, articulate and worthy of love, dignity and respect, all of which you were cruelly denied of as a child. I'm sorry that you didn't have a good mom; my parents put me through similar stuff, too, and that stinks! I, like you, had always received punishments for something I, like you, will never understand, such as pointing out my dad's mistakes, running away from home, fighting back whenever they attacked me, wanting something that my dad would never let me have, using a household iron to straighten my hair, and more. They also like to yell at me in public and I hate it. Anyway, have you tried counselling? If not, please do so because you are worth the help you deserve. I wish you all the best. Hang in there!

Jun 12, 2009
don't quit, believe in yourself
by: maurice

Hi Anonymous 34, you're loved from a distance, keep believing in yourself and also in Darlene's website and caring/loving but firm words to you. Love your beautiful self now, get help, your very dear friends who love you for who are now will help you. Let go of your mother's abuse of you by accepting she was not a good mother, even though she still is the mother that birthed you. She was not a good mother, no fault of yours anonymous 34. You'll be fine, Always believe in your self, it is your life now that matters. Make it the best for you.

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