Comments for Child Abuse Story From Anonymous and 14 Part 2

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Mar 08, 2011
Addison:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Firstly, you are not to blame for anything, including not telling all that happened to you when you first disclosed. You made the decision not to tell because of fear on many levels, and you thought it would protect others—in particular, your mother—and their way of life. You don't know what the outcome would have been had you made a different choice. Secondly, choosing the higher good for the other person when done in love is NEVER doing so at the expense of your safety. Your stepfather is a sex offender. You are at GREAT risk of being offended over and over again by him. If you decide not to tell your mother (and I completely understand why you're so reluctant: the damned if you do damned if you don't scenario) you will pay a price that is too great. Your aunt loves you. Your mother is confused and not thinking about your well-being. I learned a long time ago that sometimes we must love from a distance. Please talk to someone you trust, and tell that person the truth. It's not your job to be taking care of your mother. It is your job to grow into a healthy and productive young woman. You can't do that when your mother has the blinders on and you're forced to live in a place that isn't safe. It's not fair that it is this way, but it is this way. And now that it is, you have to act in a way that will keep you safe. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 08, 2011
You are 100% right!
by: Gabrielle

I am SO SORRY that you have been hurt and that you find yourself now in the position you are in. You are NOT responsible for the abuse, nor are you responsible for your mother's happiness. I know you love her, I get that. All kids love their parents even if the parents hurt them. I was abused in the same way by my father and my mother chose him too. I'm 46 and a mother myself now, but I remember 14. That's a hard age even under the best of circumstances and I want you to know that I think you are brave and wonderful and 100% right! For only 14, you are so mature and have great insight. Trust your gut- it will never lie to you. I'm glad you have your aunt and I think you'd be better off with her. But whatever you decide to do, please know that you are NOT the crazy one! You are smart and brave and strong. I have a hard time expressing certain things too and I find writing a "letter" helps. Even if you write it and sit with the person as they read it. What if you printed your post and gave it to your mother to read? I think you explained everything really well in the post. Just a suggestion. Most of all, I hope you know that better days are coming and that you deserve to be cherished. Please be safe and NEVER let anyone hurt you. the Mom in me just wants to hug you and keep you safe. Someday you will be a mother and maybe then you'll see in your children just how helpless they are. I hope you can learn to be good to yourself and to believe that it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! God bless you sweetie.

Mar 08, 2011
i like you.
by: NB

i think that u telling in the first place was a very brave thing to do. i have selective mutism to so i no how hard it can be to say ANYTHING let alone somthing that important. have u thaught about taking to ur aunt first? mabye she can help u talk to ur mom. i think she needs to no the whole truth to understand u better and understand that the "man" she wants to b with doesnt deserve to have a family. i hope once the truth is out there evryone will understand a little better bc none of this is ur fault. u deserve better. keep us updated, im prayin for u.

Mar 08, 2011
Addison-Boulder, Colorado
by: GPM

There are several observations in your revelations of abuse by your stepfather and there are always going to be issues with your Mom as a result of her relationship with him

The first issue is your Mom and your abuser have a child together and obviously she has adult feelings for him- however misguided those feelings may be, or wiil become.

The second issue is your memory of a different mother from a different time- you remember the love and attention now lost. I can only imagine the hurt you feel with a mother you view as disloyal and uncaring- you see her as part of the betrayal you had to endure for two years.

The third issue is how do you deal with the memory of the abuse- a memory you want desperately to reveal to your Mom, knowing she is in full denial mode- what are the consequences of "to tell or not to tell"?

As to the first issue, Mom is just as much in a dilemma in her relationship with you, her son, and her husband/abuser, as you are with her. How she has chosen to respond to the dilemma is actually a truly normal, abnormal, response. She has chosen to minimize your simplified allegation that your stepfather, her husband, "touched me". Couple the "oh that's not so bad" reaction with the fear of telling the whole truth of your abuse and we see how it has allowed her an easy out- telling herself "nothing serious happened". This does not mean your fear is not a legitimate concern- it simply means you gave her a way out of having to deal with the abuse issue.

The second issue is complicated by the fact your mother fears being without adult male companionship. She sought the safety and security of an adult relationship, while your safety and security was compromised. The reality of this issue is you will probably never have the same loving mother/daughter relationship you had when you were younger, and as you remember it.

The final issue is what are the consequences of "telling or not telling"? On the one hand, revealing the full extent of two years of abuse might create one heck of a family firestorm- if you confront your mother one-on-one. On the other hand you may chose not to tell- to do nothing. This option may only result in things getting worse- not for Mom, but for you.

Might I suggest you consider confronting your mother with the full truth in the presense of a third party- a counselor, pastor, or law enforcement officer, and on neutral ground.

You have a very mature ability to articulate being abused by a family member. A resolution between you and your mother is all you seek- you're entitled to a resolution. All you need is that third party support and the love from your aunt, and you'll have your life and self-esteem back. You're a very special person Addison and never accept anything less in life, because you are special.

Mar 08, 2011
Don't worry
by: Leslie

Don't worry my mom made almost the same mistakes. See most moms think that if they love the guy you'll be more misarable without the male figure in ur life. Well they're wrong you dont need no man!!!! I'm sorry you are in danger of goin through that again is horrible i myself went through it :[ be btave and writeyour mom a letter i know is hard to talk i dont say anything to anyone about this but my mom knows and my dad's gone forever now. So the best thing i see for u is move with ur aunt and write her a letter from over there telling her everything. I know u want ur family back but ur safety is first for your future try to find a profetional therapist. I wish i could do much more to help! Im sorry.

Mar 09, 2011
Always believe in yourself: You'll be the winner over your abuser
by: maurice

You have been through alot in your efforts to heal from the hurt, pain, and effects of abuse by that bad step-father: Also the lack of love and belief from your mother who should be more cherishing of you: Give it time, don't rush back the time will be ripe when it all will happen naturally the wish you have to be back with your Mom: For now get all the love and support from your Aunt wo sure cares about you: with her and your few friends stay in education: live well: laugh alot LOVE much especially yourself: I am sure too with the help of your Aunt Darlene's comment will give you courage, hope, and support to keep healing and making progress in your wanting to make sense of it all: You will: Don't quit, don't give up and ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOURSELF I will: I can: I must: because I am WORTH it: Change your life style and your thinking: Have a healthy mind in a healthy body: Get out and about with your friends and fellow students your own age and gender and take part in sporting and cultural activities: Especially Team games: You know the differnece quite quickly: You will make real natural friends who'll open up your mind and horizons: dream your dream and make the difference in your life and those around you: You'll be a winner that you can be assured of especially if you follow Darlene's loving heart feelings words to you personally:

Mar 10, 2011
Addison...
by: AnonymousT

You want to tell. You want to be with your mom. The two might not work together.
Telling is best because it put the victimizer where they belong. Telling also can segregate the victim, hard to make a choice I understand.

My advice, is to tell. If ALL abusers were "told on" maybe they'd do it less. My advice is to move in with your aunt. And if at all possible, my advice is to see your mom AT YOUR AUNTS only & start counseling with or without her (not in a hospital).

My heart bleeds for you, best of luck to you.

Mar 11, 2011
It's hard to say
by: Anonymous

It's hard for me to say what I want to. I don't know if I have the correct words. I am 14 too. I was abused for many many years by numerous people. It's never your fault. Please know that. For years I protected my mom and lied for her because I loved her and I believed that things would get better if I just held on. I'm in foster care now, and I see that it's not my fault for what happened to me. For ten years my mom let my stepdad beat me and she left numerous times but always came back. She loved him more than she'll ever love me. When CPS got involved she forced me to lie to them. She began beating me herself when I was about 7. I hope that all is well with you. I hope that you can find love and peace in your life. I still struggle with anger and hatred and hurt. I will never forget but I'm trying to forgive. My mother is all alone now. My stepdad is dead. (He drank himself to death) She will never be able to change what happened. I will never be able to either, and neither will you. I hope that some day you will be able to tell your mom. It is the only way to find closure. Stay true to yourself and know that you are above what has happened to you.

Mar 14, 2011
Thank you!
by: Addison

Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. I cant even begin to express how much it means to me. Theres so much going on right now, Im overwhelmed. Its been comforting to read all your comments and to know that there are people that care and understand. I have taken everyones advice to heart and I have a plan I just have to get through this next week. Thank you all!

Mar 14, 2011
Hang in there Addison!
by: Gabrielle

I'm glad to hear that you have a plan. Hang in there and be safe. I care about you and I'm sending my strength!

Mar 15, 2011
Don't quit: Don't give up on yourself: Be a winner
by: maurice

I left my heart feelings in my last comment: great just to know you found all coments helpful and the words people shared with you from their hearts to yours affirmed you: Darlene sure gave us all helped us to have empathy with you Addison: Taking one day at a time I wish you the best in all you know to be best way forward for you: Be pro-active in understanding people's heart in there comment to you especially The One Darlene sent to you: her comment moved me to send you my heart true heart feelings: Always Belivee In Yourself Adison: I will: I can: I must: because I am WORTH it

Mar 21, 2011
I finally feel free
by: Addison

This past week has been the hardest week of my life. I finally got away from my house I just wish I could have done it sooner. Everyones comments/support made me realize that I deserve better that I deserve to be safe.

Maurice-I am worth it!

Gabrielle-I hit a very low point during the week and I felt like giving up. I didn't see the point. If my mom didnt care why should I. Then I remembered your words "I care about you and I'm sending my strength" those words got me through. thank you for lending me your strength


Mar 21, 2011
Good job!
by: Gabrielle

Hi Addison, I am so happy that you are taking good care of yourself even though it's so hard and even though you're not getting what you deserve from your mother. I have prayed for you and I am so glad that what we have written to you has made a difference. You just never know where support may come from or how what we say to others might make a difference in their lives. I believe that God uses us like that. I have been blessed by the loving and supportive "strangers" who have also been there and knew how I felt. Good job taking all the love and support and finding the strength to do good things for yourself. You deserve a beautiful life!

Mar 22, 2011
Gabrielle...
by: Addison

Hi Gabrielle, I agree we never know where or from whom we will find support. Sometimes its from the where we least expect it and those are the times it seems to impact us the most. I wote my story here not looking for anything or expecting anything I just needed to get it out of me some how but I didnt have anyone to tell. I got so much more than I expected. I never could have imagined the support and strength I could get from stangers. Its funny how "strangers" can sometimes understand us better than the people we are closest too. I never would have thought it possible to get the strength and courage I needed from people who I've never met. It showed me how everything we do or say no matter how small or insignificant we think it may be can impact others more than we may realize. Its amazing how a few simple words can change someones life.

I do have a question for you, you may not be able to answer or may not want to but I'm going to take a chance anyway. You said you were abused in the same way and your mom chose your abuser too, how did you deal with the pain that caused? When I told my mom I was going back to my aunts she refused to let me go so while she was at work I had my cousin come and get me. I took your advise and wrote my mom a letter and told her everything that has happened including all that happened just recently when he moved back with us. Before I left town I went to her work and gave her my letter. I told her I loved her, I didnt want to hurt her and I wanted to stay with her but that I just couldnt stay there with him. I had hoped that once she read my letter that things would change. That was almost a week ago and I haven't heard anything from her. I think that she has hurt me more than he ever has, I feel broken. I can hate him for what he did but I cant hate her. Its almost like I can deal with my pain from him through my hatred and disgust but I cant do that with her. I guess that was my very long way of asking does the pain ever go away? Will it always be there? I feel kinda stuck, I cant go back to how it used to be with us yet I cant really move forward either. I understand if you cant or dont want to answer, I just needed to get it out. My aunt and cousin are very supportive but they dont understand. I have been talking alot with my cousin but I think he is more angry than I am. He now hates my mom and doesn't really understand why I dont just hate her and forget about her.

Thank you for your support and kind words. You have been in my prayers as well.

~Addison

Mar 23, 2011
First, the short answer...
by: Gabrielle

Hi Addison, I am going to answer your questions and I want to think about it first so that I can be as helpful as possible. I don't want you to think I didn't want to answer, so for now I'd like to give you my "short" answer until I can collect my thoughts for the better one. The short answer is "YES!" It does get better, I promise. But you will need help to get there. My advice would be to find a therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse. Check out the website for R.A.I.N.N. Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. I think it's rainn.org They have great resources there and many are low or no cost. Also, keep talking! The more you let it out, the less power it will have over you. But, be careful that the people you share it with are trustworthy. the last thing you need is someone who could either disbelieve you or twist your words in some way. Surround yourself with people who will lift you up especially now while you are new to the healing process. I am going to share my story with you and I hope that something I have to say will be helpful to you. So, be looking for my next post and until then please remember that you are brave and beautiful just as you are! I'm sending you my strength, Gabrielle

Mar 27, 2011
dread...
by: Addison

I have my first therapy session tomorrow. Im nervous, scared and really dont want to go. Maybe Im just not ready.

From Darlene - Webmaster: Addison, I'm not usually in a position to be able to respond more than once to a visitor...but I really do want to tell you something that I learned after I went to my first and subsequent therapy sessions many many moons ago: When you're nervous or scared and really don't want to go, that's the BEST time TO go. No one is ever "ready" for therapy, because it is hard work. But what you must focus on is that you are ready for healing to begin. Trust the process, and show up, truly show up, for each and every session, Addison. You're worth it.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 27, 2011
thanks
by: Addison

Thank you for your time, I appreciate all that you do here. Its good to be able to hear from other people that truly do understand. I'm doing the best that I can. I do plan to go to therapy and will try my best to really be there. Thats actually one thing my mom has always taught me "be mindful, be in the moment". Its just the last time didnt go very well but probably because it was with my mom and i was still hiding everything. I still havent spoken about it out loud, only written it. Sometimes I feel like I have all these crazy thoughts and Im afraid if I share them they can be used against me. I still have this fear that I will end up back in the hospital. I get thats probably an irrational fear but its still there.

Mar 28, 2011
Safe Place: Safe Haven to express true feelings of the effects of abuse
by: maurice

Addison wonderful and beautiful person: Your the best: Be brave, be strong, persevere: Darlene thank you for re-assuring me and all your visitors of your honest, genuine, stewarding of your website: I know now as I think you are aware that your heart is truly a woman, sincere, with empathy to each of your visitors: special one anonymous go for your therapy, Dalrene has spoken from her heart to you: many moons ago ah sure now you are not that old Darlene: It is the same now as it was then Hard to sit down and really value and respect the professional and the trained to be a listener: God gave us these very special people for a reason: When I went, again Darlene all those moons ago I could not understand that such a person I was baring my heart and soul to could truly help me to be relaxed and to trust him: Go for it Addison, to me you are one very brave person. don't quit too easily

Mar 28, 2011
Addison
by: GPM

Therapy is not like going to the dentist, even though it may seem that way. Therapy is the place where you begin the facilitating process of dealing with the fears you have. I'm not sure there is a "cure" for what ails us when we choose therapy, but at least it's a choice we get to make.

I know you have reasonable fears to deal with- most people who go through what you are going through would. Fear's okay in most instances. It is the emotion that helps us recognize potential harm. What we don't want to happen is for you to develop an "abnormal" fear of something that is not going to be harmful to you. I see you're equation of therapy as a pathway to hospitalization. That's not going to happen, and neither is your mother's unwanted intervention- if you choose to enter therapy on those terms.

Go to therapy to get out of it what is best for you. Establish a trust and rapport with you therapist so the two of you can come up with "a plan". GPM


Mar 28, 2011
I'm thinking about you Addison
by: Gabrielle

I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that you are going to therapy. I know you're scared, but I also know that this will be such an empowering journey for you and I am so proud of you! As for me, I told you that I would answer your questions, so here I go. My father sexually abused me, my sister and 2 of my nieces. I had repressed the memories until after he died when our first child was 6 months old. When I disclosed to my Mom, I was as fragile as the baby he abused. I was very unsure of my memories and absolutely terrified even to speak it aloud. I had a good therapist and I have a loving husband, so I told my Mom. She said I was a liar and that I had, "gone hollywood." Which was her way of saying that I was just saying that because it was the thing to say and try to blame all my problems on her. My sister and nieces hadn't remembered yet, so I was all alone and was cut off from my family. It was SO hard and I was devastated. Long story short, my sister and nieces eventually came forward and said it happened to them too but my mother never did admit it or apologize for not protecting me. She died 5 years ago. Our "baby" is now 22 and I'm back in therapy FINALLY really dealing with the abuse and the effect it had on me. If I can offer one bit of advice, it would be to stick with therapy and do the hard work now so that you will be free to find love and make a family of your own where you can be fully "there" and break the cycle of abuse and pain. You have such a great opportunity for peace, love and healing Addison- make the commitment to yourself and work your butt off now so you can be free! I am so happy for you sweetie! Take care and be good to yourself!

Mar 29, 2011
Checking in...
by: Gabrielle

Hi Addison, I'm just checking in with you to see how you are doing and if you did go to therapy. Just know that someone who cares is thinking about you today. Stay strong, Gabrielle

Mar 30, 2011
the right words
by: Addison

Ive been searching for the right words to express how appreciative I am to everyone who has taken the time to give me support, advice, and encouagement. However, i havent been able to come up with anything. I come from a family of talkers, many talk/listen for a living. After things happened I felt like there was no point in talking. Words are only words, they are meaningless. They say talk is cheap, right. Until recently I was still in that frame of mind. Then I have read all of your comments. I never thoughts words could mean so much. Its funny that now I am struggling to find words that mean enough. I came across a quote today. I am thankful for all of your comments but saying thank you doesnt seem like enough. The only way i can think to show my gratitude is to truly take in all of your words and do my best to follow them.
"Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts" ~Henri Frederic Amiel

Mar 30, 2011
Gabrielle
by: Addison

Hi Gabrielle, thank you for sharing your story with me. I know how hard it is for me to talk about things so I'm sorry if my questions have made things more difficult for you. It really did help me. I have spent so much time worring about my moms reaction and thinking that I wouldnt or couldnt be happy without her. I felt kinda stuck since I havent talked to her so i dont really know what she thinks. In a way I felt like I needed her approval to be happy. Knowing that even though your mom acted the way she did and you were still able to have your own family and be happy makes me realize I can do the same. I still hope that my mom will one day see that maybe we both made mistakes and will want to be a part of my life. I dont know if that will ever happen and now instead of waiting for that I know I need to work on myself so that one day I can be happy no matter how things work out with my mom.

Mar 30, 2011
thanks for checking in
by: Addison

Gabrielle-I did go to therapy. I'm not really sure how I'm doing. Its hard its like everything I think and feel changes every minute. I had so much to say but once I was sitting in that office I couldnt speak, my words were just stuck. My thoughts just went all over the place and I couldnt make sense of anything. Now its like that is all I can think about and it feels like its happening all over again. I dont want to go to sleep because that is all I see. I guess I am ok not great not horrible but ok.

I know this may sound strange but dont think Im weird. I feel, I dont know, this connection or something to you. Sometimes I read your comments over and over and it makes me feel better. Its like you know exactly what I need to hear. I think Ive repeated "It does get better, I promise" about a thousand times. Today was a hard day and I felt completely alone then I saw your comment, it made me cry-a good cry not a bad cry. Sometimes its nice to hear that someone cares. I wish there was some way I could support you but I dont know how. I can only tell you how greatful I am for you. I care about you too! ~Addison

Mar 30, 2011
true hearts speaking from a distance can make a difference
by: maurice

Addison: loving you in resepct from a distace here in Ireland: Wishing a praying your first experience of therapy will give you the turning point to Alays believe in yourself and live your own life to the full in your own right with dignity: Love and cherish with hugs yourself and your beautiful body: You are WORTH it:

Apr 01, 2011
home
by: Addison

I want to go home, I just want to go home

Apr 24, 2011
home
by: A

i know you dont want to go home and see this man but just to see your mom. so if i was right about you wanting to see your mom again then ask your aunt if she can get your mom only to come over and sit with u so you can tlk to her and yell at her and tell her that u felt soo betrayed. i know how u feal my mom has to endure pain every freakin day because my dad verbal abuses her. but ever since i started a e-goals diary (2 yrs ago=grade 6) i felt better. one of wat i wrote is still my favourite here it is:when we went grocery shopping when i told that jacka** of a father to "Dont you dare say that to my mom she has no problems unlike u!!! so dont talk to me when you talk about mom being a girl dog. cuz im not 3 anymore i know that means b***h!Then he said "oh keep talkin like that and you'll never get married" then i'm like "oh i dont wanna get married to a man like YOU".

Soo after that day he shuts up when im around cuz he knows that he can never earn my trust ever again because of all the horrible things he said to my mom. and also because he knows if he doesnt stop imma go there and yell until i cry at him. and on that same day i wrote this:then i thought at his funeral i will pretend to cry but when i get to talk, i'll say at least he got what he wanted to die oh and im happy he died cuz now he cant verbal abuse me and my mommy ever again"

hope that helps and know you'll never be unloved because there are millions of ppl around the world waiting to help!

Nov 29, 2011
Worried about you
by: Gabrielle

I hope it's ok to post this here because I do't know where else to do it. I am worried about you Addison and I just need to know if you are safe. If you read this, can you please post a response so I know if you are ok or not? Even if you don't post a response, just remember that it does get better. I promise-promise-promise!

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



E-book: Victim To Victory

From Victim to Victory
a memoir

How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

Read more...

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