Comments for Child Abuse Story From Angelina1

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Apr 05, 2009
Part 1: Understanding why...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Angelina, I must first congratulate you on your decision to further your education. You most certainly ARE intelligent and determined; of that I have no doubt. You are also articulate and extremely self-aware. I believe you when you say "I want to stop pushing people away, and address this. I want to find out who I am, and be happy. And I will." Your determination will go far with this goal.

Volatility, impulsiveness, and going from one extreme to another with love and hate are not at all uncommon when a person comes from the adversity you lived during your childhood. The volatility in part comes from unresolved rage and hostility at being helpless to do anything when your mother was beating you, and because your father—a man who's job was to protect you and keep you safe from harm—stood idly by and allowed it and therefore enabled it to go on.

The impulsiveness comes from needing to find the love you so desperately needed, but never got. You love so deeply because of that need (we all have a need for love), but crash hard and therefore hate when that love doesn't come about. The hatred stems from unresolved feelings of betrayal and abandonment.

Even though you made the decision yourself to go to a school 10 hours away, you are feeling isolated and alone now, most likely because being separated from your family after more volatility and back-and-forth between relatives and your parents is in essence reenacting what it was like being sent away when you were 13 years old and all the 'stuff' that came before and after. It's like being transported there all over again.

As for "pushing people away", doing so effectively prevents you from ever being hurt again. This is all about trust, Angelina; you can't trust because whenever you have trusted, that person has done one of three things: withdrawn their love, sent you away, or left you.

I know what it feels like to have parents who "wash their hands of you", Angelina. I know what it feels like to have love withdrawn. I know what it's like to be left alone. This is what BOTH your parents did when they chose to send you away rather than deal with the true reasons why you stole in the first place; reasons that they were—and still ARE—responsible for. The feelings of rejection must have been overwhelming.

See Part 2: Understanding why and the tragic loss of your ex... below.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 05, 2009
Part 2: Understanding why and the tragic loss of your ex...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Angelina, I've always found that understanding why I feel and act the way I do is paramount in discovering what I must do in order to heal from it, and therefore change it. We can't help what we feel, but when we change what we think we automatically change how we feel. In other words, if you change your thoughts, you change your feelings. I also learned that giving myself the very things I needed but never got from anyone as a child was critical to the recovery process. I learned that I had to rely on myself for love first; in other words, self-love. When I began to love myself, I found that others wanted to be a part of my life; and they began to love me too. But I needed help getting to these lessons. My help came in the form of therapy...I strongly recommend some form of counselling for you too, Angelina. I would be a tremendous act of self-love.

I also offer my condolences on the loss of your "first love". I'm not at all surprised at your unprecedented reaction at this loss. You were kindred spirits. You both suffered similarly. And you said yourself, he was the first person to love you because he wanted to love you. Given the betrayal and abandonment you came from with your parents, of course his death would deeply and profoundly affect you. When your mother made the decision not tell you because you were having such a good time in Boston and she didn't want to ruin it for you, when you did find out, you reacted to her decision as yet another act of betrayal. Again, a counsellor may be able to help you with the emotional repercussions this trauma left you with.

Thank you for sharing you story with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 05, 2009
To everything there is a season...
by: Linda Settles

The wise King Solomon, writer of Ecclesiastes (and 2 other books) made that statement: To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under the heavens. You have experiened so much loss, Angelina, and now you are in a time of grieving. This too will pass, hon. Take it from a devoted mother of two beautiful girls who have had their own personal seasons, you grow strong through the seasons of grief. You may not feel strong, but the roots of your life are going down deep and you are making some choices that will cause your life to blossom. You are naturally vulnerable in romantic relationships because you are hungry for love. God made us that way. He fashioned our heart as a receptor for love. When we are deprived of love, we long for it and we will often take any substitute that comes along to fill that need.
You are obviously reaching out for wisdom, so I want to recommend a book that helped me a lot. It is called: Hiding From Love/How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns that Isolate and Imprison You, by Dr. John Townsend. You can order it from Amazon.com or in any bookstore. This book helped me make better choices and I think it will help you, too.
God bless you, Angelina, as you continue to heal. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are bound to make some mistakes but focus on your good decisions and you will make more of them. You are a good girl and we (myself, Darlene, and others who read your letter on this site) believe in you. Go make us proud! Come back and let us know how you are doing.
We care about you.
Linda

Apr 06, 2009
Be Brave, Be strong, Be persevering
by: maurice

Angelina 1. you're very special, you're beautiful
you're courageous, it is great you found Darlene's
site, As Darlene is a loving. caring, understanding woman having journeyed through her own abuse to be the beautiful person she is to us all, her visitors to her site. She believe's in herself, she believes in you and me. It is genuine and real even though we are miles apart. sitting in our own space sharing our own story of abuse makes it easy and worthwhile. Knowing from Darlen that I've ben where you were at and at now having been abused. Telling your story and sharing the awfulness and it's effects on You Angelina I've no doubt that it is a relieve big time. Having found Darlen's site we must trust her in accepting her support and encouragement to get help. God knows we all need that in abundance. We need to be shwered with tons of genuine LOVE to compensate for the years of abuse we've been put through at the hands of non loving people who controlled us out of their own ignorance and selfish motives knowing that it was wrong. No other Human being has the right to be cruel and vindictive to the innocent, vunerable child/teenager/adolecent. Angelina 1 you've arrived, you've acknowledged you were abused. you have taken the huge step of telling your story, Just follow the loving words of Darlene/Linda and myself. It may take you time to pluck up the courage, but YOU CAN DO IT. knowing Angelina it will give you a whole new lease of life to live as your now beautiful self as you let go of all the scars/effects of your abuse by surrounding yourself with genuine people who LOVE YOU.

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
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