Can't Stop Remembering

by Lanie
(Florida, USA)

When I was a kid I was sexually abused. I was very small; pre-memory-forming small - at least when it started.

I can't fully remember who did it and maybe I never will... but I remember WHEN... and all too clearly I remember HOW it felt.

The thing is, I remember it all the time. I remember it when I'm driving. At work, when I am stressed, I can feel someone's ghostly hands on me. When I'm about to go to sleep that familiar feeling of panic and helplessness drapes itself over me until it's hard to breathe. Some nights aren't like that, though. Some nights I can fall asleep, and it is wonderful. Though, too often, I wake up screaming or out of breath from a nightmare.

I have developed some coping mechanisms that are destroying my life for when I feel guilt and shame because these feelings are so deeply tied into my core being, since I was a small child. Feeling guilt and shame have become unbearable to me and now I'm only trying to work on being able to survive those feelings.

I need to let it out because it seems no one around me can understand what it's like to go through this. It's exhausting, painful, disappointing. Helpless, enraging, but.. I'm beginning to understand.. it is bearable. Maybe just barely, but I can make it through this. The fact that I'm still here proves that.

I'm not mad at my abuser, for I'm sure their minds were as broken and damaged as mine.
I only find myself getting frustrated with Myself for not being able to accomplish more. To not shake it off... to not get back up and have all the energy and motivation I used to have before these flashbacks started coming back. As usual, the only person I am angry at is myself.
Although I recognize this is misdirected but it's just how I feel for now.

I hope I can make it through this. Sometimes I'm not so sure but most times I believe I can. I believe you can, too. If I can, you can. We will - together :)

I thank God for allowing me to have a new day of life, no matter how depressed I may feel or how happy I am to have actually woken up... I know each day is an extended opportunity from that day as a child that part of me was lost... an opportunity to say "f**k you" to that traumatic event and build myself up to a happy life anyways.


Thank you for listening.

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