Comments for Brother is a Monster

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Oct 30, 2014
Anonymous:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

It took a great deal of courage to disclose the abuse, even anonymously. I commend and applaud you for doing so. I created this site in particular for people like you. People who have never before felt safe to reveal the depth and effects of the abuse they endured. Disclosure is the first step in a series of up and down steps when one comes from abuse in their past. A necessary first step. Congratulations for taking it!

It is difficult to see your brother in any other way than as a monster. That was your reality. The trouble is, the reality of what your brother was to you is keeping you in prison, not him. What he did to you continues to control you. In other words, HE continues to control you. And when he uses pathetic excuses like "you were always asking me about sex" he is basically blaming you for what HE did. That is typical of abusers. They point the finger of blame onto the victim, or they minimize the abuse, or they outright deny it. These are the reasons I don't advocate confrontations with abusers. They simply don't want to take responsibility for what they did. You are not to blame for what he did. It wasn't your fault. Fault lies on his shoulders.

What you are responsible for is how you respond now. How you choose to live your life.

When we believe we are not what we could have been had the abuse not happened, we limit ourselves to what we truly can be. Did your brother ruin your childhood? To a large degree, yes. Will he continue to ruin your life in adulthood? That's entirely up to you. That's the really good news! You get to decide who and what you will become. You get to choose how you will live your life and how you will make a difference in the world.

You can choose to live in a prison with a life sentence. Or you can take the key that is yours for the taking and break free, never allowing what your brother did to you to keep you locked up again. He controls and imprisons you only as long as you allow it.

Whether or not you decide to disclose the abuse to your family is up to you. Fear has prevented you from doing so all this time. Fear of not being believed. And that is a legitimate fear; many family members chose not to believe such disclosures because it tears at the fabric of the family dynamic. Family members often would rather turn a blind eye than admit they might have had some responsibility in the way things went down.

As for your brother, he himself may have been sexually abused as a child. That doesn't excuse what he did. He might have re-enacted what was done to him. This isn't for certain but certainly possible. Not all abuse victims go on to abuse, but most abusers have themselves been abused along the way. Again, not an excuse, but perhaps an explanation.

When your family praises him, that drives you nuts because you know they don't know him at all. Not the way you know him. So change that. Or don't change that. Make the choice, then live with the results. I know that sounds pragmatic, and it's intended to be. If you choose not to disclose, then how will they ever know. But don't disclose in order to lessen him in their eyes; that's not healthy. Disclose because you want to keep other children safe. Disclose because what he did to you needs to be told. There really is a difference between the intentions. If you choose to keep the secret, do so because it's healthy for you. Do so because you've chosen to stay quiet for your sake. Just don't allow your choice to stay quiet continue to torment you. It is in this torment that you stay locked in that prison. Only you get to decide how you will obtain and maintain your freedom.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jan 06, 2015
I understand
by: Anonymous

I couldn't read this and not comment. I too was abused by my older brother when I was 7 he was about 12 or 13. It was an on going occurrence for maybe a month or longer cant really remember. I am married with four kids and I feel the effects of the abuse daily. I deal with anxiety, depression, and major trust issues when it comes to my children. My oldest son is 10 and I have a hard time being affectionate towards him. Probably due to the fact of what my brother did to me. I say all this to say that I have a lot of battles, but only through Christ was I able to overcome and when I feel those things coming on I look to Him and he gives me strength. First I had to recognize the fact that I am a sinner, and needed forgiveness of my sins. Although such a horrible sin had been committed to me I still needed to repent. I carried a lot of resentment, hatred, and I was living my life striving to please man rather then God. I didn't want to forgive my brother, but thankfully though counseling I saw that I needed to forgive but not forget because Christ forgave me. See until I was able to look past myself and feeling overwhelmed by hurt (which is understandable) I couldn't begin to truly heal. I think that the abuse is something you will always deal with to some level, but you don't have to be overwhelmed by it. If your a Christian I would say look to Christ and pray without ceasing continue to ask Him for peace Phillipians 4:6,7. If your not a Christian I would say flee from your sins ask the Lords forgiveness, believe on Him and He will give you rest. I know how hard abuse is to deal with but you don't have to be enslaved by it. Feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety and list goes on. I hope I was able to encourage you in this matter.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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From Victim to Victory
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