Bad to Worse

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

WARNING: DISTURBING MATERIAL DISCLOSED - I remember at 6yo waking up to my 7yo cousin being raped by my dad. I remember a couple days later asking her what happened... I especially remember her trying to explain what happened, but I didn't understand... that's when I asked her to show me. worst part is that I liked it... even tough I had a gut instinct it was bad. Maybe I did now it was bad. But I remember how it felt. We was always close... kinda felt right I guess... anyways. 7 years later, after moving away and back again I moved in with another female cousin... IDK how it happened but it did again. Lasted a few times... second person I slept with.

Not much luck as far as relationships.... dated one girl in high school. Went bad so I left for the Navy. Experimented a lot there... even though a co-ed ship... had things done to me I'm not proud of... because I am straight... but still... another thing to black out. Decided it wasn't for me after a few years... got out. And met my amazing wife, at the moment she is still my wife.
She put up with me from day one being an alcoholic. I was 20 and she was 31... for some reason this is when it went dark... often I'd pass out after too much to drink, and wake up in the middle of the night... no memory of doing so, well... had problems finding the bathroom. My wife has a daughter who is 7 younger than me, and a son who is 14 years younger, and he's autistic.

Well... I was blacking out almost every night for a while... from what I'm told. But a last year I did something terrible and it just makes me wish death upon myself... IDK how or why, but I swear I went to bed with my wife, next thing I know... I'm in her son's room... naked, giving him a bj. I woke up to my wife smacking my butt to get me off him. I freaked and left the room... started puking... as I was leaving the room she checked to see if what she saw was real... and there was saliva around his.... anyways, I'm not making excuses, but I seriously don't remember anything before her pushing me out... the rest is what she told me.

I just don't know what to do... if it happened I just would rather die. But I really don't see me doing something like that. I left that same night and a couple days later she told me her daughter said a few months ago after I had drank, I stripped down to my underwear and brushed her hair off her face when she was on the computer (next room from my video games) and was flirty. She went to bed and slept with a replica sword in case I came in. IDK... I know I wouldn't do this sober. And I've realized for a while I need to quit drinking... but it's one of few things that seem to help ignore my childhood... even if it's temporarily. I've gone sober for a week or so... and it's like someone opening a floodgate of memories from back then... I'm ok with a couple here and there... but all this at once... a white room is starting to sound not so bad.