All Came Back

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I am a male 39. As a male I tend to look at porn occasionally. I found out Tumblr has tons of blogged and or reblogged porn new, old, made just for blogs etc. It was pretty interesting going through people's blogs and their likes. A lot wasn't even porn.

A month ago I came across me. What I mean is a picture of me at around 9 or 10 in my underwear leaning on a white and pink dresser with a weird smile on my face. I knew where I was in that picture and the stitches in my chin told me the age because I still bear the scar from that bicycle accident. I was at a neighbor's house in his young daughter's room on my old street where I grew up. It sickened me to the core. Chills went up my spine.

Over the next few days I kept playing over any memories of the neighbor, his house. I always kinda remembered experimentation with a girl. And that fit in to it. I remember the camera now. And all of the clicks it made while pointed at me and his daughter. She had to be a lot younger than me because I know she didn't ride the bus or go to school yet.

I want to puke as I write this. As memories of being guided on what to do as the camera clicked.
I also feel sick when I think I went there over and over. I went there for it. I wanted it. I wanted to play with the man's daughter. So much isn't clear yet.

I do know I got into some trouble for playing with a girl my own age around that same time and her crying and running home. Her parents and my parents arguing and me being in trouble. I am pretty sure now I know why.

I don't know where to go from here. I am racked with guilt.

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